I might not look old enough....

Good grief. That's about it, the sum of how looking after a just one baby/toddler makes me feel.
How did I forget how to do it so quickly? No word of a lie, I have that baby on fridays when his mummy goes to work ( with his daddy) and I am in a constant state of either panic of befuddlement.
How on earth I managed to be a single parent to 3 little children with special needs, have 2 babies 11 months apart, live alone with 2 babies, 11 months apart while pregnant with baby number 6 and H was in America for 5 months, is beyond me.
When I have Joshua, I don't shop ( not for groceries, we can wander around looking at things until he throws one of his spectacular tantrums, the likes of which I am positive none of MY babies ever threw.)
I don't bring him here because for the love of plugs, this house is absolutely NOT baby proof, not at all , he is in heaven when he is here because WIRES!!! LAPTOPS!!!!! TEENY TINY TOYS!!!!
So, we stay out and we wander, which used to be sort of lovely and we would chat and look at things, he would love to watch the world pass him by. He USED to.
He's all big and walking now and dammit, he wants to WALK!
Last week, Mel said to me, " Oh he won't go in the pushchair anymore" to which I replied " Ahem....see how he big HE is? See how big I am? Guess who's going to win THAT battle"
He threw such a tantrum today that when it was over ( and he was still in his stroller) he had little blood spots along his forehead, from the pressure of ALL THAT SCREAMING!
We went into one shop to buy ME some new T shirts and when I went to pay I handed him a snack and said " Thankyou Grandma" the lady and I were exchanging pleasantries and then she said " Did you say Grandma?" when I said that I had said that she said " Wow, you don't look anywhere near old enough to be a grandma!"
I loved her.
Mel called, after I had picked the boys up from school and taken them home ( dropping them outside the door to avoid bringing him into the death trap house of wiring) and said that she was finished early ( " Oh, did you? Lovely, shall I come and pick you up so you don't have to wait for the train = OH...THANKYOU!!! STAY THERE! I WILL GET YOU! THE TRAIN TAKES TOO LONG! DON'T MOVE!! I AM ON MY WAY!)
I picked her up and together we went grocery shopping. Sitting in the trolley Joshua seemed to be happy watching the shoppers and looking at the shelves..and in a split second ( thankfully when Mel was standing right in front of him) that little git got his legs out of the trolley, stood up and flung himself commando style out of the seat! Mel caught him and we both stood like total morons staring at each other because WHAT IF?!?!?
When I got home, I felt as though I had run a marathon or been awake for 3 days and nights.
The feeling though, of being the grandma is so wonderful. Oh that handing them over at the end of the day? Priceless.
I might not look old enough to be a grandma but I can assure you I feel plenty old enough.

Swings and roundabouts.

Some grumpy stuff
All morning I had the voices, those nagging miserable thoughts that were telling me what a waste of time it all is to even try and lose this amount of weight. Reminding me how often I have tried, and failed, how slow this is and how long it will take. A small thing started it, I washed my fleece jacket and dried it in the tumble drier, it shrunk, it is tight and the sleeves are short....oh how that made me feel like crap. That led to all the old feelings of how useless and fat, ugly and hopeless I feel.
This is when, ordinarily I would give in, oh it's too hard, why bother when it's obviosuly a waste of time blah blah. This time though, my head is fighting back. For every " ugly/ fat/ useless" thought there is a " well stuffing your face won't change THAT will it?"
For every " What's the point, you've never managed to lose all the weight before" there is a " So? this time can be different, can't it?" Even a " look, give in and go back to how it was...then what? More self loathing and misery, even if you don't lose another pound, you are better and healthier than you were 6 months ago" and so I carry on.
My legs and back have been so bad this week, so much pain. It seems that the leg pain is related to the back, nerves are trapped and so as the day goes on the nerves are pinched and send pain to my ankles and make that spasm thing happen. This week has been awful and my first reaction to feeling pain of any kind, is to comfort it with food, sad ? Eat. Hurt? Eat. Miserable? Feed it. I can cook such great food and I love to do it and I love to eat it even more! This week I have made some great dinners and a fabulous soup but I didn't give in and bake, no fluffy cakes, no cookies, no rice puddings.......no short blasts of heavenly comfort.
I want to kick it all up a notch but even walking makes my legs and back hurt more, the flip side to that is, the weight I am is contributing to the back pain, the more weight I lose the less I will hurt, maybe it will be worth causing extra pain in the short term to help the levels of pain on the long term.
I am such a sissy though.

Some good stuff.
It is way too cold to go out in this weather with the boys, earlier this morning I went to the workshop and brought in a box of dinosaurs that have been packed up since we moved out of the barn, that's nearly 18 months....Eli can't remember ever seeing them and Isaac was more excited than I can remember him ever being about them. They played with them ALL day, hours and hours of nice playing, games and imagining and playing some more and sharing.









At dinner time, Isaac said to Seth ( who had joined in briefly once or twice and absolutely refuses to admit he ever loved dinosaurs and knew every name of every one) "Hey Seth! SETH! Let's put the dinosaurs into groups!"
Seth looked at him with such distain and replied " No, Isaac, we won't, we will not behave like autistic people!" Heh! What? Has he looked up autism online or something? Who told him autistic people like to line things up and group them? Also, how did he manage not to comment on H's panicked suggestions that we NOT put the meat eaters in with the herbivores......NO! Lets NOT......oh look you mixed them, we should sort them out again tomorrow, bring in both boxes, keep them SEPERATE!

Sophie brought Joshua up for an hour or so, he is delightful, completely divine and getting so big and boyish. He is over 23lbs and in the 90% for his height too, glorious hair and the sweetset disposition. ( unless he is cross and then he is quite formidable)


( Grandma! Tell him! He' touching my laptop!)


(That's better, I have to check my emails.)


( yeah, OK seth, I get it!)


( DUUUUUUUUUUDE!)



I love the way this baby looks at me, he has that smile that makes you feel like you are the very person he has been waiting to see. Beautiful boy.

I hope that the negative feelings I have had pass quickly and that I am able to see the wonderful things more clearly. In the meantime I shall remind myself that it is only by feeling sad sometimes that we are able to see and appreciate the good times so much more.

New cars are fabulous but....

Not a touch on this......









Joshua Alec. 3 Months. I am his grandma. I think I pretty much have it all.

Just because.....

He is, quite frankly as perfect as it is possible to be AND gramma gets to have him all to herself sometimes.


And somehow, this is one of my favourite pictures of him, those tiny little hanging legs, so tired after being pulled up with a tummy ache, blessed relief by lying on a cushion and hanging over the edge of the chair ( with daddy hovering to make sure he doesn't fall)


Daddy's big hands holding his tiny boy.


Endless kisses on that velvety head.


Blissful sleep.


And a picture to show how like his Uncle seth he is, Seth was 2 weeks and Joshua 12 days when these were taken, same pixie face.

I post these today because from now on, for a few posts it will pretty much be Boston, more Boston and even more Boston. Its almost here, the trip, the meetup, the fun and laughter.
Oh how excited am I?