BUMP!

That's me,coming back down to earth.

I.Don't.Like.It.

I couldn't understand why I felt this way, I have never been this miserable coming 'home' before, I always like to come home. Then I realised that this is the first holiday I have ever had, real holiday, no worries, no work, no stress, time to please ourselves and money to spend on whatever we choose.

Then we came home.

The flight was great....we had a full row right at the front of the cheap seats, so we had leg room and more leg room and no-one on front to worry about, you know with Isaac and the touch screens and the lap tray. Heaven. HEAVEN.

I was worried, I can tell you now, about H. Long story short ( may have already written about it) H's ex wife was on benefits when he was at university, so he had 3 years of non payment of child support, which with interest was so much it was impossible to dent, he paid a huge amount back and even then, it looked like an impossible mountain to climb. The stupid laws in California mean that if there are arrears of child support, the man's drivers licence is suspended and passports are revoked.

When I came back to the UK, H worked like a dog to pay as much as he could off this balance, his tax return after a bumper year of selling with ADT then made a huge dent in it and suddenly, even though the balance was still terrifying, he received a letter to say that he was now eligible for a passport, he applied, received and kissed his passport, immigration was done and he arrived here the day before I went into hospital to have Elijah.

We have never stopped being grateful that he was able to get his passport and felt that the angels were with us. I ( because I am so good at worrying about everything) had visions of us touching down in the US and the security people saying " Aha! There you are!" and then tearing up his passport because the interest had made his balance at the child support place astronomical again, the plan was that we apply for his English passport and all would be well, H is a procrastinator extraordinaire, he didn't get the papers in on time, so he travelled with is American passport.

Marvellous, we sailed through every stage of the trip out there, holiday done....worry time again ( what if they didn't mind him coming back INTO the country but would take umbrage at him trying to leave) Phew, took a LONG time to check in, grumpy woman at the desk read every word in every passport, checked and double checked our faces and I know I didn't make it up, but she definitely checked H's passport twice ( he said she didn't but he wasn't sweating and praying and worrying, he was merely depressed at leaving his country and coming back to the Land of no sun) Still, long time but no trouble , we went though security ( with removal of shoes and scanning of MANY bags, took 1 suitcase, 2 holdalls and 2 back packs with us.....came back with 7 suitcases and 6 backpacks, I kid you not, I paid my uncle to drive it all down here because there was NO way it was ever going to fit in our car. ) Isaac's backpack screened as suspicious.....he got some night vision goggles for Christmas, they looked scary under x ray!! Cool to see the swabbing and testing for explosives!) then we went to the departure lounge and waited 3 hours ( have lots of pictures but have yet to download, maybe tomorrow) Eli was happy to be going home.



H? Not that he would ever say, complain or whine.....but I had the most enormous lump in my throat because I KNEW how he must be feeling, if I had ever come back here for a trip and then had had to go back to live in the states....I'd be feeling it too. I just downloaded some pictures.....this one actually made me cry a bit, it's at the airport, about 2 hours in and just before we were going to board,



Seth wasn't too happy about leaving grandpa either...



Settled onto the plane and were enjoying the moment of watching tall people squash their legs into the cramped spaces allotted them whilst we stretched and showed off, because we had the front row, with masses of leg stretching space and the big screen TV, tutting and rolling our eyes at people having the nerve to walk through our space to get to the aisle on the other side. ( see that huge man in the background, he sat behind H.....he was SO tall and his legs must have been so cramped, shame)



Just as I was thinking that things were going beautifully and thinking that maybe I wouldn't need that diazepam after all, along came a flight attendant shouting " Do we have a Howard ******* on the plane? Howard ****** !!!"

HE put his hand up and she asked " Are you Howard ******** where is your passport?"

Can you imagine what I went through??? Turns out that he was showing as checked in but not boarded, somehow the boarding card didn't register, Al was well, my heart was allowed to keep beating.
We arrived back in England, ( raining and sort of cold but not painfully so) and drove in Barry's car (with trailer) to his house.
I am ridiculously tired and so can't remember whether I wrote about Barry's house before, skip this is I did.
Uncle Barry is dad's older brother, he is now either 74 or 76...he lives in the house he was born in. My Nan loved her house and lived there her whole married life. She gave birth to her sons in the bed they were conceived in, it is still in her bedroom, the same bed, same mattress and probably, the same pillows. OH MY GOOD HEAVENS. We slept there. Also, there is no heating.....apart from a gas fire in the teeny tiny lounge. The floor still has the original lino on it, with various old rugs. Same bathtub, same taps, same tiling, same doors ( same paint I suspect) it is a living museum. It is SO cold. We made beds on the floor for the boys ( but the wind is blowing under the bed and hurting may face!) we wrapped them up and they had blankets and hot water bottles and were asleep in minutes. I went to bed moments after H....he was lying very still, with the 15 blankets and eiderdown ( original, itch itch) up over his chin......so cold. I got into bed, want to know what time? 8pm HA HA! Tired isn't the word.....we fell asleep immediately......one of the boys woke up to use the bathroom, I took him and looked at the clock.....I was SO sure it must almost be time to get up. 10.30. Bloody hell. Back to sleep ( remarkably warm feather bed once that damp chill wore off, with 3 hot water bottles, socks and a husband) suddenly the light went on What the HELL? Elijah, apparently had woken up, been downstairs, eaten whatever he could find in the fridge, played with his toys and when he was bored, woke us up to play with him. 2.30am....ever had one of those nights that just keep going??
Seth woke up and so I dragged myself down to sit with them in the 6 x 9ft front room, put the fire on and sat...and told them to be quiet ( 3am our time, 7pm Californian time) they ate and played and without any warning, both at the same time they crumpled to the floor and lay very still. HOORAH! Took them back upstairs, crawled back into grandmas feather bed ( let's not think about 80 year old bed bugs) and fell asleep...until 8.30.
The drive back, oh dear. I decided I would follow Barry, rather than try and find my own way back. Mistake!
Barry has a theory, why drive on a motorway or a dual carriage way when there is a pretty back road?
He drives at 60mph, always, hell and high water 60mph. HE stays behind cars in the slow lane until he gets one that is driving at 58 mph, then he swerves out, overtakes and then right back into the slow lane, he doesn't overtake 4 trucks at a time, he overtakes one, back in the slow lane, overtakes the next one, back in the slow lane.....when I was following him, I had no idea if he was getting back into that lane because we had to leave the road and take another one, whether this was where we'd stop to eat.....so in and out and back in again.
As soon as I knew for sure where I was, I drove off into the perfect distance, wending my way home, for about 24 minutes when we hit traffic. It would seem that for some reason, Stonehenge ( bloody old pile of big rocks, what's the big deal?) was very popular and for over an hour we crawled along at 5 miles an hour......good view for a long time of bloody old rocks as we drove so slowly past.
Much muttering was going on, dear little boys were so weary they just stared ahead and made scarcely a sound the whole trip.
Oh the joy when I saw signs saying we were 34 miles from home, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open.....I actually felt myself nod off and opened my eyes just as I was about to hit a wall...I had to stop and clear my head, with Seth saying " we'll be here an hour, I know it, I want to be at home, please don't sit here PLEASE!"
Elijah saying " Oh but I want to be at home right now"
We made it home.
No Sophie, with the key. Called her and got her answer phone, called my friend who had the other key, she said she could bring it soon but was at work. Jordan called and said he would go and find her, he was right outside where my friend works and so he went and collected the key from her and got a taxi over here, in we came, there she was, asleep on the sofa, the house was a pigsty, dishes everywhere, laundry everywhere, bottles and cans overflowing in the recycling bin, kitchen bins overflowing and get this, Dan hired a van TWO WEEKS AGO, and drove all her stuff here, it was still in the KITCHEN and the HALLWAY and all over the damn place. It took me FOUR hours to make her move it and she still hasn't done the dishes.
BUMP
Welcome home.
Last night I bought fish and chips for dinner.....cost me more than lovely meal for us all in a nice restaurant in the states.
BUMP.
Washing machine is broken.
BUMP.
No one made my bed this morning.
BUMP.
Had to buy bread and toilet paper.
BUMP.
However,
Lovely hot bath ( when did I have a shower last? It feels like weeks ago but really it was on wednesday. I most certainly have been washing in between, even in aeroplane toilets, using paper towels) I stood in Barry's freezing bathroom with the bath that doesn't work and wondered what that metal bucket filled with water was all about, my teeth chattering as I strip washed, I felt a bit like a maid in olden days, standing on cold lino washing my nether regions.....if I'd had to use the water bucket the scene would have been complete. I have no idea how some people can go days without a shower or bath, I must have at least one a day, change my underwear at least twice a day or I feel I ought to stand a great distance from everyone else for their sake. The bath I had when I got home was heavenly. My hair was so knotted ( I didn't even comb it this morning, would have made me cry with the cold and ripping knots out of my head, hell, some things have to just get left out on mornings like this one!)
My own bed.
Half a room of chocolate.
Have 14 lbs of skippy peanut butter in my cupboard, 5 huge jars of parmesan cheese ( Kraft)
So many bottles of Excedrin, Nytol and kids Ibuprofen that we look like drug addicts ( can only buy Tylenol in boxes of 14 here, you can only buy 2boxes at a time and if you do buy 2 boxes, don't even TRY to buy some childrens' Tylenol at the same time because it is NOT ALLOWED! Stupid law started to stop people killing themselves with an overdose, if you're that determined to kill yourself by taking paracetamol you'll just walk from one shop to the other until you have enough.) So, we had fun buying bottles with 500 in "LOOK.....500 in this one!!lets buy 3.....HA! they LET me!" ( seriously we DID that! And found it fun!!)
Have my own laptop back with lovely blogs in the favourites and my own buttons and stuff. ( as soon as I can stay awake long enough to read them I will, I missed reading you while I was away. I have fallen asleep twice while typing this.)
I am tired of eating, really tired of looking so fat ( H took pictures of me while I wasn't looking, darn it that he bought a camera, am horrified and yet determined the way I was 2 years ago.....here's hoping it works again, even if I lose it and gain it back, well better than just keep gaining, isn't it??) I am truly a fat person, not chubby or a bit overweight, I am a real huge blobby fat old lady. Darn it.
Slimfast is half price.
Shops here do loads of buy on get one free, real bargains in the grocery department.
I have a nice home, which could be fantastic, I intend to make it breath taking this year, watch me and Ebay work miracles.
I am going to move more. I don't mean house ( although that may well happen soon enough) I mean myself, I want to be well. I am not well, at all.
While I was away I had, the most horrendous case of strep throat, blisters and pus covering the whole throat and mouth. I had cold sores, I had the itching thing and then, just as my throat started to heal ( 10 days into the holiday) my hands went crazy, argh, blisters upon blisters, swelling like you wouldn't believe. They started to clear up on the day we were leaving, they are now merely thick skinned with nails down to the quick ( strongest steroid cream made and prescription only, that I took with me just in case!) the skin is now peeling off and well, you can imagine how beautiful I feel as well as look can't you?
Marilyn had some cream that was miraculous, it soothed my splitting skin and began to heal it almost right away. I sort of hated how it felt on my hands for about 10 minutes but it really works, REALLY.
So, when grandpa gave us quite a lot of cash, the day before we came home, H and I determined that our holiday would end with a bang....you think for a second we were going to bring back that cash, change it into pounds and halve it? Use it for what bills? Food......sod off...we were going to spend it, every last cent, watch us and see we said, he went one one, I went another with Marilyn and we darn near did it, he came back with nothing but change and I had $74, I decided I was going to Nordstroms and buy me some of that horrible feeling cream that would make my hands smooth. Off we went, hmmmmmm hand cream and also some Acne moisturiser that would make my skin look nice and clear......yes, I shall buy it because I have to spend this cash, ......Thankyou lady.....except Marilyn bloody well paid for it! "You bugger!! Thankyou" I said and then "well now what? Take me to Babies R us, I got me a grandbaby coming so let me at it!" Oh we had such fun and I almost bought the dandiest wing seat thing that swivelled and rocked and did it all...but I stopped myself, I had bought myself some lovely jangly necklaces and already had my beautiful leather handbag and new Fossil wallet, new clothes and shoes and more crocs, what else do I need.
My grandbaby got a big old pile of clothes ( And some pink ones fell in there, 3 weeks and we'll know if it can wear them!! ) I bought all kinds of gadgets I have never seen here too. This thing that washed pacifiers if they fall on the floor, slips into the nappy bag and what do you know? Wash them germs right off ( only Dan had a dummy out of my babies and I used to suck them when they fell on the floor, how sanitary!!)
I bought mats that go under the high chair, hooks that go on the stroller handle to hang your shopping on, load that pram up with your bags of shopping. I bought handy straps to put the drinks bottles in so the little git can't throw the juice away, books and toys and every kind of natty thing. Things that hang on the bath to keep flannels and baby wash in, one to hang on the cot for nappies and wipes etc, gas drops, a bottle that has a syringe in it, you draw up medicine and then it goes into the teat ( nipple) so the baby sucks it instead of spits it.
Snot suckers ( why can't we get them here?) I love this little blob baby, as much as I ever loved my own. I love being able to buy it things that sometimes, when it's your baby, you can't buy because you have to buy nappies and wipes and milk. I think that's a Nan's job. I got a T shirt that said " I didn't do it, you didn't see me do it and I wanna call my Nana"
Anyway, we're home.
I just unpacked the cream and moisturiser and damn it to hell and back, the stupid lady at Nordstroms gave me the TESTER for the moisturiser, I went to smooth some on my poor old weary face and it was all gloopy, ewww then I could hardly get any out and noticed it was the almost empty TESTER bottle. The saleswoman told us she usually worked on the Estee Lauder counter or something and was in a tizzy anyway, so she must have just grabbed that one and put it in the bag. If only I had had the chance to look at it while we still there!! Can hardly take it back and complain and get a new one. We got back just in time to throw it in a case and leave. Pttttttthhhhhhhh.
Also, H had one of those decal things made for the car, Dad, Mum and 3 little boys, one with a basketball, one with a guitar and one dancing. We left it behind and can't explain to grandpa what he should be looking for. I know it has to be right there in the front room....to him it may just have looked like a piece of paper left behind, I bet he threw it away.
Otherwise, all is well, all is back to normal and that, my dears, is as depressing as hell.
So, what we have to do is sit and make a plan, something to work towards and really set our sights on. I am forming a plan. Very good.

One down.....

A week has passed already, on sunday we leave this heavenly haven and head for Grandpa's, which will be..what? Not sure. At all.
This is bliss and I think I will remember the glorious feeling of returning every evening, weary and foot sore, to find a beautiful clean room, fresh beds, creatively folded face cloths and towels, that we left soggy and crumpled in the bath, new and clean, folded and waiting to be used once again.
every second of this hotel stay has been worth the money, the boys ( well and us of course but somehow it doesn't seem to be such a positive thing to admit that we adults are scarfing enormous meals at 7am) eat the hugest breakfast of fresh fruit, bacon, eggs, cereal and pancakes and we all head out on whatever adventure we plan for the day.
We have seen such excitement and joy over the smallest things, having planned on taking them to sea world, we went to Redondo Beach on tuesday and saw dolphins and sea lions playing right before our eyes....how can paying $300 to sea some captive creatures performing tricks ever top that?
We are, I think going to a wildlife park tomorrow. Things have been topsy turvy because of Rob's turning up, the fact that as soon as we left him at the train station he went right back to grandpa's house has messed it up more. He doesn't want to be with us, I think he just wants to be at grandpa's where he remembers being happy ( or at least free to be a bugger, who knows?) It is somewhat reassuring to see that despite appearances, he is still 'well' enough to do exactly as HE pleases and to hell with the rest of the world. Reassuring and incredibly annoying, he is still calling the shots from behind his slumped demeanor and, I suspect, laughing at us while he wins. Funny how, even in his paranoid and hidden world, he clings to his cell phone and uses it often ( does that smack of a little maybe not as paranoid as he may give the impression?) He said yesterday that he needs to head back today, very good, I hope they will exchange his unused ticket from sunday, or someone who is less sceptical will pay for it, my hands are staying firmly in my pockets holding onto my cash, thankyou very much. I paid for Sunday's debacle, that's enough from me for this trip, wouldn't you say?
I am feeling a little weird about this trip at the moment, being at grandpa's yesterday brought out a lot of the old H which never was particularly appealing to me, this house is one of bigoted and sexist attitudes where women are inferior and totally not understood. I found myself sinking into that old feeling of being worthless, how a 10 day stint will affect me is to be seen. I can't say as I am looking forward to it at all.
the room we are to sleep in houses a desk and computer, it has junk and more junk and a blow up bed in a box. It will be a sharp shock after this suite at our glorious hotel.
Elijah, at least has softened towards the dogs thank the Lord, yesterday he discovered that rather than savage and untamed beasts, they are actually fluffy and friendly miniature poodles ( and a dog that is uncannily like Santa's little helper on 'The Simpsons') he touched them and beamed with the pride at such bravery and then began to chase them. This could turn out to be a good, or a bad thing, we'll have to see. I rather enjoyed the carrying him in, sitting him in a chair and watching him sit still for 2 hours in case the dogs ate him. He somehow thought the carpet was a rabid dog infested area and must be avoided at all costs, if he dares to move he would leap from couch to chair, making the dogs think this might be a great game.....and jumping in to join him, oh the screams.
I am hoping that I can get to the house when the others are out, that way I can sneak over to Marilyn's and between us we can set up some kind of sleeping arrangement that will be a fait accompli......for some reason, everyone truly believes that this one blow up bed ( albeit a good one) is more than enough for 5 people. It is not. I look at the box and can feel the scorching hatred ooze from my mind and soul. A woman of my age and size should never, no NEVER be asked to even contemplate a blow up bed of any description, to have to share it with a husband and 3 children...WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING????
Marilyn has suggested once or twice that I just leave them to it and stay at her house, which is looking very appealing to me! The thing is, the blow up bed has no bedding, not even a sheet, are we to lie right on the rubbery topping and cover ourselves with a thread bare towel? What? Sleeping bag? I am even looking on craigslist for beds or sofa beds because I am not, absolutely
NOT sleeping on that bloody poncey lilo.
If I can get over there and Marilyn and I can set up a room that is acceptable I might start to relax about it, right now every time I walk into that room ( that must be about 12' x 91) and try to imagine how we will all fit, my stomach burns with the heat of a thousand ulcers ( peptic ones if they hurt more than regular)
Kara and I went through the fridge yesterday, we found lunch meat that expired in Oct 2005. H and grandpa were horrified that we threw it away because it wasn't even blown out or green, nothing wrong with that! I am on a losing streak here people.
I do know that we have it right, living in the UK and coming here for a doozy of a holiday is perfect. I am loving every moment of it but have no qualms about travelling home again in 2 weeks.
I hope H returns to his English living self quickly when we return, the American testosterone, selfish, arsehole version is not so much to my liking. He is slightly sheepish this morning after my pointing out the error of his ways last night, I'm sure after 20 minutes on the road later he'll be right back into arsehole mode. I shall worry not, I have the bank card and have no fear of using it, amazing how THAT can wipe the smile off a chauvinists face isn't it?
If there are a few things that make me turn into a snarling witch it would have to be these things,

Treat me as though I am stupid. Then duck, or hide because that WILL get you a smack.

Treat me as though I am inferior to you. Try it and see.

Tell me how to spend MY money when it is ME that has scrimped and saved and worried and managed to somehow do it all. Don't try this at home, or away-- because that's like daring me to spend money I don't have, just to show you.

Make plans that involve me but don't bother to tell me, then expect to have a nice day, with me tripping on silently behind. Ha ha....you think?

Ignore me when I talk to you.

There, am ready for the day now. we all know where we stand, don't we? Rolled my sleeves up and fastened on my bank cards, I feel some retail therapy calling me, a rather fabulous outlet place is the plan of action. Ahhhhhhhh, I feel myself relaxing as we speak.

Quick! Before it changes!

Good things, good luck and WHOOHOO stuff is happening, all at once and ( please don't let me jinx it! Blgger god,keep this to yourself, don't tell the blogger gremlins so they can bugger it all up! Thankyou.)
First of all, the holiday...it's time to change some pounds for dollars.
Ahem....

Live Rates as of 2007.11.16 22:58:33 UTC.
1,000.00 GBP United Kingdom pounds
2,052.21 USD
United States Dollars
Except -poo! I already changed my money and it's gone up since then, last night it was $2.041. something.

Anyhoo, that is certainly a great rate is it not? Glad I'm not coming here from there...that's be sad.

And then, well, you know the car, my car. Rust bucket and dear as it is, stinky and more and more embarrassing to be in? Well, today, on freecycle, someone posted about a car that is a mere 7 years old, that's practically from the factory isn't it? A Kia, that does 35 miles to the gallon and on a run it'll do 45. Mine, right now does 13. THIRTEEN miles to the gallon when petrol is £4 ( $8) a gallon. And.....THEY ARE GIVING IT TO ME!! Tomorrow we will go and see it and check that it will get through an MOT etc.
I am almost beyond excited, I am holding out until we see it in case it is a lemon and all too good to be true.
It is one of these


I have no idea what colour it is and I can hardly wait to find out, colour means everything to a girl.
Funny thing but we have this Knex stuff that Isaac so desperately needed last christmas, he hasn't touched it apart from perhaps twice to tip it all out and then leave it. I have looked at it and thought about selling it on ebay and haven't. This evening I thought about it again and just imagined someone like me, trying to gather a decent amount together for some little boy for Christmas and thought that the best thing to do is put it on freecycle, which I did. I had emails immediately and promised it to a lady with 6 kids.
Just as I emailed her back to arrange when she could collect, I saw the email for the car and replied.
Sometimes I can't help but think of Auntie Margaret who would always say
"cast your bread upon the waters....and it'll come back buttered."
Never a truer word said!
If this works out, a huge prayer will have been answered, my poor old clutterbucket is so on it's last legs, it coughs every morning and we tell it how marvellous it is to keep taking us where we need to go, to continue to allow us to stuff it with furniture. I'm not sure how much longer it will keep doing that.

I also found the most beautiful wool rug yesterday, 8' x 5'6" and not a mark on it. £25 in a thrift shop, I'd take a picture but there is a stuffed animal zoo arranged on it and I just to tired to move it all and take pictures and pretend that my floor is always this clean and tidy.

Landlady called today, poor thing she is so poor that she just can't afford to have the repairs done on our house. Does Jordan want to move in and pay her another £250.
I. think. not.
She said some other stuff that has nailed a few more nails in her coffin.
I am trying to keep my promise to H not to fret until we come home, to leave any worrying until we have had our holiday.
The thing is, last week I came home late one evening from some errand or other and as I walked through the door I felt I was home. IMAGINE!
I am beginning to feel a teeny bit of something other than hatred for this place.
If something else came my way I wouldn't bat an eyelid walking away from it but I also feel that if we stay here, I can cope with that.
I would like to leave and rent somewhere NOT owned by this woman, who charges full rent but then tells us that she can't afford repairs because oh dear, her mortgage payments are so high and she has 4 properties empty. This is NOT my problem, one day soon she'll have another empty one and some tenants that have cleaned, repaired, beautified and put up with for too long, gone.
Mum says the barn has a TO LET sign outside. I love the barn.

H and I have a long term plan, still in it's embryonic stages, that we hope will turn our future around. It's time. I just hope that I can fight the fear away and have the courage to do what it will take to get it done. We'll see.
My skin is terrible at the moment, who knows why ( the only thing I can think of is that the holiday, therefore the flight, is getting closer. ) I am getting my knickers in a twist about flying and also, having to sleep on a blow up bed at grandpa's. Look, I don't sleep much, when I do sleep I want it to be good sleep, peaceful snuggly, comfy sleep.
I am very overweight. I have the most vivid imagination.......let me paint a picture.
Overweight mother of 6, weary and aching after a day of such excitement as say Universal studios. Tired me......into the bedroom we go ( small room, I would say maybe 10' x 10?) in it there will be 2 queen size blow up beds and FIVE people, fat old me, larger than he used to be but still compact and delicious H with his arthritic neck ( what a couple we are) and 3 farty little sweat buggers aged 4, 6 and 7.
I shall creep in and the others I hope, will be sleeping. Tip toe, tip toe.
Crouch down, begin to lower my bulk to blow up mattress and FLUMP.......now if H and I share one mattress and put the boys on the other, that mattress may not have a hope in hell of staying inflated. Hmmm lets put one kid and one parent on each mattress and the remaining urchin on the floor on blankets or something.
SO, here I go....oooops ooops WHOOOOOOF.....whichever kid is sleeping on that airbed is going to SHOOT up into the air....catapulted out of slumber to hit the ceiling fan, or wall or just right out of the window because I kid you not, I have some serious weight behind me ( and in front of me, nothing if not well balanced) my boys are little sparrows, with arms like sticks and xylophone rib cages, they look like they have been in a famine, I look like I caused it.
Yes, you may well laugh but I tell you what, all I need is a musty pillow and a tight sleeping bag and I'm off, I'll take my chances in a doorway somewhere, at least then someone might walk past and throw some change my way, hope is a marvellous thing.
Grandpa has dogs, well actually, H has one dog at grandpa's house. Taz, who thinks he is human and is quite possibly the only dog I have ever come close to liking. He thinks he is a person and during my time at grandpa's house with the brother in law from misery street, that dog put up with a whole lot of secrets and whining from me, all he asked in return was that I move the boys out of his dog bowl before they'd eaten all the food and to share the pilchards I craved when pregnant with him ( the last request was a tough one because those pichards in tomato sauce? Mmmmmmm, I'll fight you for them dog)
H's sister is at grandpa's house at the moment and she has 2 little dogs, of the jumpy kind, so 3 dogs, one father in law, one sister in law, one husband of sister in law who is sometimes there and other times, not. One husband, 3 children, me and 2 blasted blow up beds. And quite possibly a partridge in a pear tree as it will be christmas while we are there.
I am looking forward to getting there ( without plane crashing, terrorists or any travel hassles at all, please) and I am longing to smell the evening air, I adore the smell of California in the evenings, quite different from Utah which is also pleasant smelling in the evening, during summer but not a touch on California.
I look forward to shopping and friends, apple and cinnamon soft pretzels, Mongolian bar-b-q at the Mall's food hall.
In fact, I am looking forward to much more than I am dreading. Just not the bloody blow up bed, dear life.
I so want to take the boys to candy lane to see all the lights, what memories.
We are going to have to rent a car and I WILL HAVE TO DRIVE!
Oh see? Itch, welt, scratch. Funny how I can drive over here on these windy tiny roads and not bat an eyelid, H can drive over there and not flinch......he doesn't have a licence anymore though as it expired, we don't think he can renew it as he lives here now....it'd be great if he could so I don't have to drive on those big old roads with those insane drivers in their monster trucks and 12 lanes.
Marilyn, come everywhere with us and let me follow you and don't drive faster than 30 miles and hour and ram all those mad buggers out of the way for me.....OR even better you AND Brian come everywhere and you drive our car and he can drive yours and I will kiss your arm all the way there and back and tell you how completely fantastic you are and I will send you mingles every month for the rest of you life. I am so not kidding.

What a difference a day makes.....

11 yards of material @ £1.99 a yard.
2 reels cotton thread.
Recycled cushions, pillows, stuffing etc.
Aprox 9 hours of concentration, planning, swearing and satisfied sighing.
3 packs of sewing machine needles whatthehelldammitforbloodyhellsake.
An enormous amount of determination and excitement.
Husband that does drilling and follows instructions and tells me how clever I am.
A clever me.
And a room can go from this....



to this.....





Is this a cosy and rich looking boudoir or not? It is. I like it and I am now a little
keen to redo the whole house, can't though because we are going on holiday and must save and pay for things and eat etc. Which is why we still have blue frills instead of new ones, carpet is blue so I can pretend I planned it this way.
I am absolutely going to spend much time in Michael's and JoAnne's and will come home armed to make this house somewhere I can be proud of.

I am so much better, what a relief, I saw my Dr yesterday who patted my arms and told me how good it was to see me looking better and also smiling ( because I am going to be a grandma, not Nana because the other mum got to Nana first and I will not be one of a pair) She said that my poor old body is at it's weariest and lowest ebb and was very happy to hear that we are headed for sunshine and hotels, shopping and FUN in a few short weeks time.
My sister is here and we spent the day together with 3 of our little people, we caught up a bit and just enjoyed being together, she is my friend and we spent so much time together before we both moved to the States. Sometimes I miss her so much that I find I have to just not think about how far away she is. Times like today and precious. Happy day indeed.

It's a special kind of mean.

I'm sorry, more of the same, the down bit of the up and down up and down.
Tomorrow someone is coming to view the house. We won't be here because H will be taking his 'living in the UK test'. I think I'm glad we won't be here, I dry heaved after the phone call just to tell us they would be coming. I don't want to witness the stomping through our home, opening doors and peering through windows. I don't want to feel whatever I would feel if I were here.
It really is salt to the wound isn't it? This whole, hey I know you are paying a big old chunk of money to live here every month, thanks, however....it's not enough and we are selling up, could you still pay the same wad of cash and at the same time, pack all your belongings, scrub everything in sight, worry about where the dickens you WILL live when it's sold- oh and let people wander through your home whenever they like, which means that you will have to keep it clean and tidy and smelling fresh because, we all know that even though you really want to leave it messy and not care if they see it looking like a tip because you don't want them to buy it....you will clean and scrub and tidy because you are proud and can't stand the thought that anyone will think you are a slummock. *Insert swear word of your choice right here*
I am SO angry.
Heart poundingly and head spinningly rage filled.
I am trying, really I am, to be philosophical. To be all ' what will be will be, and will be for the best, and all's well that ends well, blah de bloody blah. It just isn't working. I am learning that I am a control freak, and why not indeed...it's my life, why shouldn't I want to be in control of my life? The very idea that these people, no matter how kindly spoken, have this much say over MY LIFE. Mad. I loathe it.
I love the idea that we could stay here, the afore mentioned landlord is not the person coming to view tomorrow, just some rich bugger that fancies living here. £350,000 that's the value. $700.153.17 . Not in a gazzillion years could we buy it. We have to move. I have to accept that this is a much sought after property and there are many people who DO have the money to buy it and renovate it and live in it. Such is life. I am giving up the idea that we can stay, for my sanity I have to accept that this isn't our home anymore.
I am going to have to try and just shut off and not worry about where we will go, trust in the council and the Lord and wait. When we DO get a house, I will move in and set down roots that no-one will shift. I will scuttle in a corner and rock until I feel safe and believe that we can stay. I will pray for a garden and clothes line, for nice neighbours, close proximity to shops and buses.
If I win the lottery one day, I will buy a street full of homes and rent them to people like us, I will be the kindest landlady ever known, I will probably wait a year and see if the people love their homes, if they do.... I will give them to them. I will. Honestly.
I am coming to realise that whatever I say, my poor old brain is unstable, my name is Helen and I am depressed. I am shaken very easily. It doesn't take too much to make me want a dark corner and absolute silence. Having said that, this IS much, having your home snatched from under your happy heart is not a trifling thing.

I'm gonna pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again......again.

Just as soon as I have had a bloody good moan and a whine and even a swear perhaps.
Our landlady came today and told us that she is selling our house, you know, our home. MY HOME. This one that I love and is perfect and big and posh and right where we need it to be.
I wanted to write about our trip to London, on our own, with no kids and show you the picture of H's ice cream at Harrods



and tell you to look at his hands and grasp how HUGE this thing was, with its apricot sauce and it's fancy berries, with the sorbet and cream and stuff, but MY HOME!
8 weeks, that's how long we have to find somewhere and secure it and pay all that money for search fees and credit checks and guarantors. Removal vans and ..........so then, can't think straight to show you H's donut at Covent garden



I would have taken pictures of what I ate but who wants to see dry crackers and a lettuce leaf ( and if you believe THAT you need your head testing, or to get out more or something)
What about the men with trousers around their ankles and tutu's on...



No, can't tell you any of that because I have to tell Jordan that the time is right for him to move on and find a place of his own. ( actually, he just came home and hugged me tight and said that he is very ready to have his own place, he will do everything he can to help us find somewhere and he loves me)
Also, because some things never change, I have to tell Sophie that her days of not going to college and staying in bed and waiting for the fairies to make it all OK are over. When we move it will be H, and me and 3 little boys. Sophie is going to have to get a full time job and a house share. She has been more or less living at this woman's house anyway, so hopefully she can move in there and pay her way.

I was going to tell you all about how we got off the train at Piccadilly circus and were surrounded by police cars and fire trucks and sirens from all directions......someone had thrown themselves in front of a train, think about what I could have made of all that if I'd used my imagination ( because thankfully we didn't see it, just heard the announcement " due to a person under the train services on the Piccadilly line have been suspended")
But I have to leave this house that has been the first place that has felt like home for years, the house that we all fit in and love.
That has chandaliers and big hallways, 2 bathrooms, oh twoooooooo bathrooms......
As the landlady arrived the men that had just finished draft proofing and insulating the house were leaving. So, the people who are here next winter won't be pumping £60 a week in the gas meter. It will be warm and cosy and cheaper to run. This work was done by the council, free of charge because we have Isaac, so they just improved and increased the value of the property for our landlady, it's alright for some, isn't it? We won't benefit at all from that little project although it was me that did all the paperwork and dull admin.
I look really old today, weary and worn down.
I don't feel as though I can do this all again and for what? A year somewhere else until we get moved on again?
I was so excited to tell you about the boys waking up at 4.30am on tuesday and thundering down the stairs yelling " See if Daniel is here !!! DAAAAAAAAAAAANIELLLLLLLLLLLLL !!!"
I was longing to tell you how he took them to the park and on a nature trail for 2 hours, how he told them that they could look at the lake but not go in it....SPLASH...Elijah.
How he had gone to visit Gramma and Eli ( who had been with gramma) saw him and insisted that he needed to be with Dan and not stay at gramma's and watch High school musical.
How he had them standing on logs and was telling them some tale and then " I need a WEEEEEEE!" said Elijah as he dropped his drawers and let nature take it's course.
How he looked exhausted when we got home at 10 pm with Eli fast asleep on his lap, Isaac fast asleep in bed with ALL his clothes on because OH NO.....can't get changed or undressed if mum or dad aren't here here.How he smiled and said " Sorry it's messy, I really tried but ... hell.....I learned that no matter HOW fast I clean it, they can unclean it even faster"

My head though, is just full of MY HOME and my envy of landladies and lords ( who thought that stupid thing up? Lords and Ladies, my arse) and how easy it is for them to change peoples' lives at the drop of a hat and leave us feeling so helpless and bloody worthless and stupid because damn it, if we didn't make choices that mean property and money and 'stuff' have always been low down on our list and family and tons of kids, battered old cars and rental properties have been what we have because that's just how it is. Ha ha look at the stupid people who hand us their money and pay our mortgages and leave themselves open to any kind of problems because they aren't smart and money wise and are so STUPID!

There are toilets on the coaches to London, teeny tiny little toilets that make me feel like a whale because I can just about fit in and pee if I am really desperate, ( and I ALWAYS get desperate because as soon as I know that I can't pee because that means using that horrible little chemical toilet, oh no, bladder is filling, can feel it filling....must not need wee, cannot stagger along coach and try to squeeze in that little loo) but make me sweat because one bump in the road and I could fall against that door and show the back of the bus just how tight that fit is and how white my big fat bum is.
A man went to for a pee and if I wasn't so consumed with the whole home being snatched away from us thing, I would so tell you that he was HUGE, he looked like a massive aboriginal warrior , he went for a wee, I know this because my seat was right opposite the toilet door, I could have knocked on the door if I had so chosen or even shut the door for him while he wee'd because he didn't, shut the door that is. I think he may have thought he had but he hadn't and my eyes almost flipped inside out in their efforts to look anywhere but at that gap and don't listen ... LOOK AWAY!!!! Ewwww he didn't wash his hands either, good job I am an English lady because I ignored him and looked away and won the battle over that urge to tell him he isn't in the outback now and over here, on our coaches to the Capitol, we wash our hands after we have done a wee and we DEFINITELY close the door.
We also don't fling ourselves at the feet of pretty landladies who at least had the decency to come and tell us face to face that we have to leave this house, we don't weep until they leave and we smile and say oh, that's a shame because we LOVE this house and of course we will be in when the agents come TOMORROW to measure up and ...no we don't mind at all having a FOR SALE sign outside out front door so that every time we look out of the widow or leave the house we are reminded that this may be our home but it isn't our house, so we have to leave. Don't give us another thought ...... I wish I could use my stiff upper lip to beat the crap out of something, my stiff upper lip that along with the quivering bottom one has broken out in 3 humongous cold sores in the last 4 hours.
So, we had a lovely time in London, my husband and I. I wish I could have told you all about it but we're losing our home, again. 7 homes in 7 years, here's to number 8.