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It's a special kind of mean.
I'm sorry, more of the same, the down bit of the up and down up and down.
Tomorrow someone is coming to view the house. We won't be here because H will be taking his 'living in the UK test'. I think I'm glad we won't be here, I dry heaved after the phone call just to tell us they would be coming. I don't want to witness the stomping through our home, opening doors and peering through windows. I don't want to feel whatever I would feel if I were here.
It really is salt to the wound isn't it? This whole, hey I know you are paying a big old chunk of money to live here every month, thanks, however....it's not enough and we are selling up, could you still pay the same wad of cash and at the same time, pack all your belongings, scrub everything in sight, worry about where the dickens you WILL live when it's sold- oh and let people wander through your home whenever they like, which means that you will have to keep it clean and tidy and smelling fresh because, we all know that even though you really want to leave it messy and not care if they see it looking like a tip because you don't want them to buy it....you will clean and scrub and tidy because you are proud and can't stand the thought that anyone will think you are a slummock. *Insert swear word of your choice right here*
I am SO angry.
Heart poundingly and head spinningly rage filled.
I am trying, really I am, to be philosophical. To be all ' what will be will be, and will be for the best, and all's well that ends well, blah de bloody blah. It just isn't working. I am learning that I am a control freak, and why not indeed...it's my life, why shouldn't I want to be in control of my life? The very idea that these people, no matter how kindly spoken, have this much say over MY LIFE. Mad. I loathe it.
I love the idea that we could stay here, the afore mentioned landlord is not the person coming to view tomorrow, just some rich bugger that fancies living here. £350,000 that's the value. $700.153.17 . Not in a gazzillion years could we buy it. We have to move. I have to accept that this is a much sought after property and there are many people who DO have the money to buy it and renovate it and live in it. Such is life. I am giving up the idea that we can stay, for my sanity I have to accept that this isn't our home anymore.
I am going to have to try and just shut off and not worry about where we will go, trust in the council and the Lord and wait. When we DO get a house, I will move in and set down roots that no-one will shift. I will scuttle in a corner and rock until I feel safe and believe that we can stay. I will pray for a garden and clothes line, for nice neighbours, close proximity to shops and buses.
If I win the lottery one day, I will buy a street full of homes and rent them to people like us, I will be the kindest landlady ever known, I will probably wait a year and see if the people love their homes, if they do.... I will give them to them. I will. Honestly.
I am coming to realise that whatever I say, my poor old brain is unstable, my name is Helen and I am depressed. I am shaken very easily. It doesn't take too much to make me want a dark corner and absolute silence. Having said that, this IS much, having your home snatched from under your happy heart is not a trifling thing.
Tomorrow someone is coming to view the house. We won't be here because H will be taking his 'living in the UK test'. I think I'm glad we won't be here, I dry heaved after the phone call just to tell us they would be coming. I don't want to witness the stomping through our home, opening doors and peering through windows. I don't want to feel whatever I would feel if I were here.
It really is salt to the wound isn't it? This whole, hey I know you are paying a big old chunk of money to live here every month, thanks, however....it's not enough and we are selling up, could you still pay the same wad of cash and at the same time, pack all your belongings, scrub everything in sight, worry about where the dickens you WILL live when it's sold- oh and let people wander through your home whenever they like, which means that you will have to keep it clean and tidy and smelling fresh because, we all know that even though you really want to leave it messy and not care if they see it looking like a tip because you don't want them to buy it....you will clean and scrub and tidy because you are proud and can't stand the thought that anyone will think you are a slummock. *Insert swear word of your choice right here*
I am SO angry.
Heart poundingly and head spinningly rage filled.
I am trying, really I am, to be philosophical. To be all ' what will be will be, and will be for the best, and all's well that ends well, blah de bloody blah. It just isn't working. I am learning that I am a control freak, and why not indeed...it's my life, why shouldn't I want to be in control of my life? The very idea that these people, no matter how kindly spoken, have this much say over MY LIFE. Mad. I loathe it.
I love the idea that we could stay here, the afore mentioned landlord is not the person coming to view tomorrow, just some rich bugger that fancies living here. £350,000 that's the value. $700.153.17 . Not in a gazzillion years could we buy it. We have to move. I have to accept that this is a much sought after property and there are many people who DO have the money to buy it and renovate it and live in it. Such is life. I am giving up the idea that we can stay, for my sanity I have to accept that this isn't our home anymore.
I am going to have to try and just shut off and not worry about where we will go, trust in the council and the Lord and wait. When we DO get a house, I will move in and set down roots that no-one will shift. I will scuttle in a corner and rock until I feel safe and believe that we can stay. I will pray for a garden and clothes line, for nice neighbours, close proximity to shops and buses.
If I win the lottery one day, I will buy a street full of homes and rent them to people like us, I will be the kindest landlady ever known, I will probably wait a year and see if the people love their homes, if they do.... I will give them to them. I will. Honestly.
I am coming to realise that whatever I say, my poor old brain is unstable, my name is Helen and I am depressed. I am shaken very easily. It doesn't take too much to make me want a dark corner and absolute silence. Having said that, this IS much, having your home snatched from under your happy heart is not a trifling thing.
Labels: Happy places, Hard stuff, home
posted by The other me | 1:29 pm
6 Comments:
I really feel for you....same thing happened to us a year ago. We were living in an upper duplex when we received the notice that they wouldn't be renewing our lease. This was were my daughter was born in 2003 and were our blended family came together. The place wasn't great( no yard, have to keep kids from running around too much on the landlords head) but it was big and our home!...We are now in a 4 berdoom home, big yard, basement, 3 bathrooms ..and all this for the same price!!!...so i guess things do work out as i'm sure they will for you too...Have faith!!!!....My daughter still remembers the old place...she refers to it as the brown house...(she even asks to go back to her brown home) Breaks my heart everytime. :(
i fear i am a control freak also so i know how awful you feel. i can't wait until all is said and done and you canfeel happy again. i know you will, it's just the in between time that is hard. we really don't ever know what life will throw at us next do we? i'm just going to let you voice your sadness and tell you i'm here and will do whatever i can if you just ask. no suggestions, no telling you it will all be well. that is what i want just for a day or 2 when i feel so miserable.
Big hugs. Vent away! It's completely understandable to feel the way you do! Life is just down right unfair sometimes!!
I am so very very sorry you're having to go through all of this. Life is bloody unfair sometimes.
I can't imagine having to come up with 700K! Our house wasn't even half of that! YIKES!
700K!? Oh Helen!! My heart is going out to you! My tenant may be leaving in September...it's only one bedroom, but you could send those deliscious boys up here to play with my hooligans anytime you like! And we have a yard with swings and a slide! And I would certainly consent to a clothesline! We're close to buses and school, and a few conveinience stores....If only is was that easy :(
HUGS!!
~Lisa~
You are tagged! When you get a chance, stop over at my blog and read my 7 things post then compile a list for yourself, if you haven't already. We are supposed to tag 7 ppl but heavens, i only have 3 readers who have blogs...so you are one of the lucky ones! LOL! It's always fun to read little tidbits about you anyway!
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