Every which way.

This post will be all over the place, flip flopping from one thought to another, I have been awake most of the night wondering where to go and what to do next, this will be a jumble of some of the ideas and thoughts that I have had.
The council be damned, is the first one. This week I have seen and heard that we will not be helped by this organisation ( using that name lightly as , pardon my french, they would be hard pushed to organise a piss up in a brewery, however....) they have lost paperwork, done nothing with the information we have given them, neglected to update the information and work on anything to do with our case. All that is bad enough, maddening enough but they pushed me to a new limit by insisting that unless we behave in a way that is completely against everything I have been taught and believe in, we stand no chance of being helped.
First flip......
I am watching my mum buy a new house, she has had to sell the home she had with dad and buy a smaller one that will be more manageable and cost effective. She is 69 years old, every week we hear of another bill that must be paid before the sale and new house purchase can go ahead, another hold up, another blow....each one a little more disheartening and disappointing.
When my dad died, he had nothing to leave, no money but he did leave the house with no mortgage but with a couple of loans against it. He had no treasures that could be sold, no earthly goods to speak of. When he died though, he did so with such dignity, with absolute peace of mind, not a shred of guilt or regret because he lived as he taught us, he lived the way he knew was right. He had so much integrity that there was no choice for us but to see and learn and build up our own standards by his example. We watched him die, surrounded by people who took time out from their busy lives to some and let him know that he was loved, that he was admired and that he was known as good man.
For me, that was more valuable than any material inheritance, I knew that when my time here is done, I want to be able to die with that same knowledge, that I had done as well as I could, that I would be remembered as being honest and good. That matters to me. I have seen people face death and be eaten up with regret, trying to scrabble together and say sorry, to right wrongs and make things 'better.' We never know when we will be faced with death, probably right then, that we just live in a such a way that should it come unexpectedly, we can breathe a sigh of relief and feel content that we did our very best to live well and do those things that are important to us.
Flop......
H and I chose, without consciously making that choice known out loud, to pursue treasures that can't be counted in monetary terms. we have family, we have memories, we have closeness and standards that to us mean a lot. For us, somehow, even with brains and the ability to make good money and have careers, those things have eluded us, given the choice to make money and miss time with children etc, we chose to 'make do' I know that many people seem able to have it all....we haven't managed that. We have time with our children that many couples don't get, in time we feel sure that the rewards of that will be immeasurable, already with my bigger kids, I see what good I did by being available at all times, I see that in foregoing for myself the 'trappings' of wealth in order to be at home, my children have confidence and abilities I don't think I have myself. Now we don't have that choice, illness and events have us locked in a life that we have made good but is too late to change.
The choices we have made mean though, that we will never have the stability to buy a home, we don't have that choice, we are eternal renters.
I appreciate those people who have the means to buy and rent, I hate them sometimes because we are so at their mercy and more and more we are thrown from pillar to post through no fault of our own. However, I do appreciate that we are where we are because of choices we made, suck it up and remember the things we DO have that matter. All well and good.
So.....this is where we have hit a block that I am not willing to clamber over. The council have told us, several times, that in order for them to house us, we have to dig in our heels, when our time in this house is over we have to stay here and force either our landlady or the new owners to take us through the courts and evict us. If that doesn't happen then we will not be deemed homeless because legally, we are entitled to do this, we can stay until we are forced out by the courts.
How dare they tell us to do such a miserable and underhand thing? What about the people who are buying this house? the chances are this is a dream for them they could well be working out every penny, they have worked and chosen to buy this house and make it their own. They have a budget, I am sure of that, they have dreams. Imagine when they have finalised the deal, signed contracts, breathe a sigh of relief that at last this is their home.......then discover that we aren't moving out, that they now have to find extra money to take us to court and have us evicted? I won't do it. I won't be responsible for putting anyone through that...what if that were to happen to my mum as she completed on her new home? Where would she find that extra money for court fees? Where would she find that strength to deal with that extra stress and misery?
So, we lose out, in a way, we have found a couple of little houses, one is too small, we're all for downsizing but we need more space than a shed. One we have seen is small but still lovely, a bit like this one's very little sister. Right in town, hopefully big enough..we'll see on thursday. The council will not have to house us, we hope. I am not scuttling away beaten though. We are going to see the MP for our town, I am going to be writing letters and causing a stink and I might even take this to the newspapers, because I am so disgusted that these people who are paid to look out for families like ours are NOT DOING THEIR JOB.
They are dishonest and underhand. The man in charge of our case hasn't even got a list of housing associations that he works with , how can he call and ask how many houses they have if he doesn't even know who they are? It took me one morning to find a list, make some calls and discover that they will not ( with the exception of one association) divulge information about available homes to anyone but the council. He could find out with one call what homes are available, when more will be vacant...but he doesn't do that, he sits and waits for them to come to him and then he forgets who needs what.
I learned that 2 houses just right for us have just been allocated, our names wouldn't have been put forward for either of those because when I spoke to someone else on friday and he read our paperwork, according to what is written, we are living in a house that is 'adequate' that we have no medical points, that we are faced with impending homelessness but have the option to sit down and as yet are not 'even' facing court eviction, so no sweat then, no need to even consider us.
He tells people to cause contention and misery to hardworking landlords and home owners to make his job easier. Hateful, low life scum of a man...and he is not alone.
The council be damned, but we won't be.
If we have to move into a tiny house and pay over the odds, if we have to keep going through this misery and worry, I suppose that is what we will have to do but we will have the knowledge that we have not been the reason of anyone else's misery or stress. We will be able to hold our heads up high and know that we did what was right. Maybe our reward will be in heaven.......we can but hope!
Now, we have to dig deep, tighten our belts and try hard to get enough cash together to pay yet another deposit, another month in advance, removals and all that jazz. Here we go again. I would choose to live in a caravn and have a clear conscience than do what they are telling us to do.