It's my party...

I am over it! I want to say that in case anyone that came to the party is reading this. It's my blog and I am going to say how horrible I have been for the last day or two ..so I remember not to make the same mistakes next year ( when we don't do a party like this years!)
It's just over 4 weeks til we go to Boston, I am saving as well as I can and thought I had done really well, my mistake was not changing the money over as I got it but keeping it in the bank until there was enough to make a transaction worthwhile...sounds sensible doesn't it? It does unless you are like me and you throw a party, one that you want to be wonderful for everyone that comes and you keep popping out to get that one last thing that will perfect it....because you have plenty of money in the bank, right? Right...then you have the party and it seems like a few hours of complete chaos, it doesn't seem like it went well, you feel sure that it was a flop, oh well, it's done, get over it...then you go to the bank to withdraw all that money you have been saving for your trip and see that you spent way WAY more on the stupid party than you ever imagined, those trips, spending £20 here and £40 there added up and pretty much half of your hard earned cash has gone, pppphut! Disappeared on a totally unenjoyable flop of a party.
*$%*"$!!!!!
So yesterday I was so miserable, so mad at myself, so completely and utterly stumped as to WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW?!?!
Well what I did now, was say to myself that no-one made me be so stupid about the party, looking at the pictures I see that other people DID have fun, I know we should have organised much more structured fun, the whole let them rip thing? Bad mistake, in years past we had a great mix of big kids and little kids and they really did enjoy just being able to have fun..this year we had over 30 little kids ( all between 4 and 9) and a few teenagers who were there because their parents told them they were going to be there and we had mayhem.
We had ripping off the walls of decorations and then wanton destruction of the same, we had way too much freedom with the smoke machine, we had too many kids with far too much sugar and ...well imagine it, that's how it was.
I couldn't sit in the front room where civilised people were sitting because I was quite keen to ensure the whole house wasn't trashed, I was also keen that the hyper than hyped kids didn't actually maim the slightly more reserved children.
I took what I had left in the bank and changed it to $s and I am going to do that every time I am paid, I will leave enough to live on and pay bills and we will be eating inventive and ridiculously cheap meals until Dec! Lesson learned, I will not be going crazy like that again, believe me.
Next year and I am sure we will do a party next year, we will have structure and set games, we will have invitations that are not handed out willy nilly and we will not have an open invite.
I did enjoy the after time of the party when one family who had arrived much later, remained after everyone else had left, I got to know them much better and I really was glad to spend that time with them.
We were all worn out after the party and for the first time ever, left the mess, that was another factor in the miserable saturday, sitting amidst chaos and mess and then seeing how little was left in the bank...that was a bad moment! I went back to bed until way after lunch and when I woke up again, H had cleaned, cleared, packed and organised, my mood lifted and things have gone better ever since.
I accept all the 'blame' for the mistakes this year, it is most unlike me to be so cavalier with money and to have not kept a close eye on what I was spending ( another factor that added to my irritation! No-one else to yell at !) I absolutely ignored all my inner promptings to set up games etc ( thinking the doughnut game and pinata would be enough ..oh foolish me!)
I am completely over my tantrum, spectacular as it was. I am happy about what we did, what I learned and am sure that Sophie and I will have a lovely time in Boston despite the fact that I will be doing considerably less shopping than I planned!
Sophie is very ready for the off, she is getting anxious to just go and have fun ( and so am I!)
Christmas is hurtling towards us and this year we intend to keep with our 'less is more' policy, concentrating on things other than gifts, the boys will have lovely stockings and 3 hearts desires under the tree, the last years have been so wonderful, with all the focus on being with family, decorating, treats unlimited for a few days, watching movies, visiting and being visited.
The boys have already made lists and I am thrilled to see that they are simple and achievable, small and exciting things that little boys can be excited about. Not a Nintedo Wii or DS to be seen. ( hooray, would hate to disappoint! Great that they have a big brother who does have a Wii and they go there and play for a while without getting stuck to the controls and forgetting that other things exist!)
Also, on friday, just as I was beginning to feel panic that things wouldn't get finished, the calendar alarm on my cell phone went off and reminded me that I had to go to the DWP ( benefits office) for what I thought was a regular review. Argh! I made it in time, onlt to discover that it was actually an interview with the fraud squad! ME! Mrs do it all by the book and don't ever risk anything illegal or fraudulent ever. ME!!
I was so past caring by this time, what with medical reviews and tribunals and more medical reviews and more phone calls, I just looked at him and said " Oh, right so why am I here then?"
"I am a compliance officer, what would you think that means?"
"could it mean that you try to find out of people like me are complying with your rules and regulations?"
"Yes, indeed, well done! " ( hmm, I wonder why there are so many posters up saying how outbursts of physical abuse will not be tolerated, could the condescending and sarcastic tone be a trigger often do you think?)
Anyway it ended with him telling me how pointless his job is, how easy it is to get away with fiddling the government and really there is precious little anyone can do when they do catch a rip off merchant and then, that he seems pretty sure I am on the level and as I looked him right in the eye, am honest and trustworthy. Wonderful, til next time. Bloody hell.
It was just a rotten weekend all in all, turned out OK in the end though and that's what matters after all. I think.
Still, it's all over now, a new week is about to begin, one closer to a few days of fun with my friends, can't come quickly enough if you ask me.

Jam on it.

H is away today. This doesn't happen often at all, he is here, always.
I worry that I take this man for granted ( and know that I do) he is just so quietly here, getting on with what he does, so quietly that I hardly know he is doing it, until he isn't here, not doing doing it. Oh my hell.
I used to be so competent and confident and sure of how good I was at things. I rarely got phased by even the greatest trial.
H left at 5am to go to the temple with some other men from church. He loves the temple, he positively thrives on everything there.
At 6am Isaac woke up ( too early, sooooo early for mum) snuggled into bed with me, phew. 6.20am Seth got up " It's SATURDAY, cool 6am, oh...into bed with mum, wriggle squirm relax, phew. 7am Eli up, everyone up.
By 8am I knew this was going to be a long day. The boys are going through a 'testosterone is us' phase, me boy- me fight. Exhausting, loud and dear me please let the grandbaby be a girl one because frills and frocks seem to appealing to me lately.
As dull as it is to keep harping on about it, we are still having trouble with money, or not having any. Still the problems over that late tenancy agreement, still not getting money through, still having to rob Peter and not pay Paul. Rainy day, no money apart from just enough to Tax the car ( £99 for 6 months yeegads) so the day was stretching ahead in a painful way.
Hoorah then for Jane who called and said she would take Seth and Isaac ( when is it finished are we going home yet?) to the movies. Ahhhhh, heaven.
The thing is, H is so hands on with these boys. He plays basketball, he reads, he teaches, he talks, he shows, he even jumps on the trampoline every day. I stay on one side and do all my stuff, I get things done without little boys harassing me, I nip out to the shops and I get things done. I have jam on it.
Life is pretty smooth, until H isn't here. I see just how much he does and I am left feeling a quivering heap of helplessness.
Have to tax the car ( Oh NO, must take them with me, 3 of them, all at once, all the way over the road, all 26 steps away, and stand in line and sweat over the fact that they may not be good boys.) What is heavens name happened to me?? I have jam on it, that's what. Spoiled brat in fact. They were fine, they were good boys, I did it. Of course.
I read to them this evening, usually so relieved when they trot off at 7.30, lantern in hand, book in daddy's hand, I sigh and relax and know that tomorrow we will do it all again. Tonight I sat and read, Tennis shoes and the feathered Serpent, sitting on the toy bench in Isaac and Eli's room, Seth spread on the rug. As I read Seth got closer and then he was sitting right next to me, leaning on my arm. He is the least smoochy of all my children, most like his dad in the emotional department, he is tough and manly and pah! All that smoochie stuff. Until bedtime, when he needs his fix, he needs to be stroked and kissed and have his back scratched and all on his terms thankyouverymuch.
To have this little boy be the one to snuggle into me, to feel him melt onto my arm as he listened and relaxed, well I got to see why daddy does this so willingly every evening.
I see how poorly I have been. This whole moving, cleaning, worrying time has made me a whole other person and I have forgotten a lot of what matters. I get so cross lately, my head so full of making ends meet and trying to make this whole holiday happen, the noise and the boys and the mess has made me crazy. I am sick of yelling and feeling ,my head throbs with the pretzels on the floor, with the mess Elijah seems to molt. He walks through a room and leaves trail of crap behind him, if it can be spilled, crushed, crunched, torn, tipped, trodden, Elijah is your man, he is delicious with his puffing and his " huh, ne'er mind, it don't matter, iss a attsident, Iss Otay" but dear life how much can you take in one day? On wednesday he had a banana milk, in a bottle from the shop, he was so excited LOOK, he said to gramma, look-at-I-dot" held it high and ..well he hadn't put the lid on properly, all over his head, all over the floor and he stood, drip drip, "oh, iss otay, it don't matter does it?" and it doesn't really. Before I know it he will be all grown up and unclumsy, I will think of this time and miss it. I hope.
Somehow I have to try and get back a perspective on this life. I am tired of feeling so cross and worried. I understand that I have to do the less pleasant chores and I have to get things done, I just don't want to keep missing the important stuff while I get it done.
H is home. The great thing about having someone go away is being able to welcome them home. Welcome him I did too, lovely man.

Scratch that.

We may have an answer, a horrible, dirty answer that is ewwwwwww but ahhhhhh if it is true.
SCABIES. Ack. Incubation period of 4-6 weeks, which means that right when I was cleaning this house, the female mites began to burrow and lay their eggs under my skin, ready to hatch and eat me alive right now. Dear Lord.
When I was headed to the Dr this morning after a night ( apologies for mental pictures about to be conjured) of leaning against a table, wearing nothing but big old ladies knickers and some throbbing welts ( ha ha that should send some interesting googlers my way) and howling in pain and frustration, I prayed that somehow this lovely caring Doctor of mine would know what to do to help me.
We sat for the longest time and we went over and over the steroids, do and don'ts and shouldn'ts and pros. We worked out the maximum amount of piriton I can take ( an extra tablet in the middle of the night , whoohoo) and my heart was sinking, I sat with the miserable thought that she wasn't going to be able to help me. As I was leaving she looked up and said " I wonder if it could be an infestation of scabies?" and DING!! I knew it was.
I was SO excited because as awful as it is, I know that the treatment is so simple and it WORKS. The only 'if' we have is the fact that very rarely do the scabies affect the head or face and my head AND face have been affected, my poor face. If I wasn't so miserable about how I look usually I would have taken pictures of my swollen face this morning, itchy and swollen but not angry and red like the rest of my body.
I came home and had a bath, slathered the lotion on ( ahhhhh so cool and soothing) I stripped my bed ( again) right down to the mattress, feather pillow top taken with the duvet to be cleaned and mites killed ( £22) new pillows bought ( £11) sheets, pillow cases, covers, blankets all boiled and cleaned.
I had scabies once before and although it never got anywhere near this level, I remember the itching was the same, that awful boiling and needle like itch. Starting on hands and feet, working it's way to the trunk and always worse at night and when hot, bathing and sleeping are times when the itching is at it's most painful.
I have felt better all afternoon, the itching is coming on now ( 6.15pm) but I am told that the itching can continue for 2 weeks even though the mites are killed almost immediately.
I called the council, they called environmental health. Landlady is going to be in trouble and that scares me, although all this helps our case in getting rehoused. I just so hate trouble, I loathe confrontation. I have to come up with a plan that will legally cover us, she said stay here rent free, that could backfire. I need to come up with a way of having her say she has refunded us the rent to cover expenses met during the moves.
This has cost us so dearly, both financially and emotionally, don't even start on physically. I am done. I know that I cannot deal with one more issue to do with this moving situation. I need that holiday. It can't come quickly enough, if I could wake up tomorrow and be in the sunshine, in the clean hotel being waited on and enjoying recreation and FUN, I would go in a heartbeat.
I am fast developing a cleanliness obsession, always a bit freaky on the clean front I had managed to let go and see that there is more to life than a shiny skirting board. Now I find myself squirting and scrubbing and checking to see if everything is clean and not germ laden and filthy or stinky. I am so tired.
I hope that tonight is more comfortable, if I can manage to see even a tiny improvement I will be happy. I just can't stand the thought of no end in sight.
I think the end IS in sight, thank goodness.

Is it over yet?

£600. The car. to mend. Just to get it legally on the road. SIX HUNDRED POUNDS.
Every day I am more determined to stop bloody whining and turn my face to the sunshine and count my blessings etc etc.
£600.
The good news is... I didn't think about impending homelessness at all today. yeay.