I'll huff and I'll puff.......

I think, dare I say it that I am all done for Christmas, I am so excited because we have so many exciting gifts to give, not one of them has left us worrying about paying for it, I cannot wait until I see the faces of my family as they open their presents.
Isaac has a bow tie, he is longing for a bow tie, one that he has to tie himself, he has downloaded instruction on how to tie a bow tie, he wants to wear it and be grand. On the subject of downloading applications for the iPod, I was disturbed to see many downloads, the money comes from my account and H always lets me know if he is going to order anything from iTunes, because it is my paypal account I get the emails confirming the orders and the last few days there have been SO many, some free and some, most definitely not. I was feeling a bit miffed and spoke quietly to H saying " could you give me a heads up on all these iTune downloads because I really want to keep an eye on what is coming out of the account"
Baffled look.
"s'cuse me?"
"well, I know it isn't much in the grand scheme of things but today for instance £15...that adds up and there is all this extra expense right now"
Baffled look..then a dawning...
"uh oh...ISAAC!"
H was given another iPod touch while we were away, replaced by an iPhone, H was lucky enough to receive the now un- needed iPod touch, Isaac took one look at it and it has barely been out of his sweaty mitts since, he loves it. It seems he has learned how to download applications, accessing my account and obviously there isn't a password. I can't decide whether to be impressed or cross! He is now very clear on checking with H or me before he downloads any new applications. Little stinker.
While I was away H had dinner with my sister, when I got home he told me they played a game and he really wanted to find it and get it to play with the boys.
My turn to be gobsmacked..H and games? Wow...I had to find out more of this game.
He said that the boys were beyond hysterical while they played it, I managed to get it today ( actually my sister found it for me while shopping in a city a little way away.
Seth has a Chargers football kit, it doesn't matter to him that he will be the only kid in England to have one and in fact that may be the appeal! He will wear it til it drops off him I imagine.
Sophie has been helping me wrap everything and while we were wrapping the stocking gifts she said " Oh , well now I really know that you are Santa....it's real and I won't be getting a stocking this year" So she will be getting one, filled with little things she loves.
I went shopping at 6.30 this morning, what a treat! Not a soul around, I had the choice of parking, no crowds, newly stacked shelves and apart from the fresh fruit and veggies I have now done all the shopping. It feels great to be ready, without any stress, no panicking and just excitement now to enjoy the few days of holiday.
We had a hiccup yesterday when mum gave me the treats she bought for the boys, she made a beautiful hamper of sweets for the family and a box of gifts all dated and named for the boys to open, one every day until Christmas day. Such excitement, such joy! Such tissue paper and fighting and THAT IS MINE ...I WANT WHAT HE HAS!!!!
Too much for H who declared in no uncertain terms that he wasn't about to deal with THAT every day for the next week, they would get the gifts on Christmas day and not a minute before. Uh oh.
I called him a pompous arse and told him to get over it ..and then I shut up.
When the boys went to bed I suggested that perhaps we could keep the gifts upstairs and when the boys were up, dressed, had breakfast and done a chore for the day, they could have their gift....that worked and the boys ( 2 of them!) were ready to play the game. Isaac grumbled and I told him that he didn't have to help out but he wouldn't be getting the gift until he did his chore. He did it. He got his gift.
Seth grumbled the whole time but he did it and was thrilled with his go go crazy bones. At bedtime they were asking what their chore was for tomorrow ( and trying to trade off because those 2 tiny bags of rubbish outside the bathroom that need bringing downstairs....they are SO heavy and Seth is really not very good at rubbish duties and pleeeeeeease can he have Isaac's chore of taking the cans to the recycling box?)
The poor tree is just getting hammered, it's fallen over twice now ( What? Just because Eli was RIGHT there both times, doesn't mean it was HIM!) I came home from the Drs today ( pap smear, what fun! ) and found H had 'fixed' it. With a great big plank of wood...in the front ( I know, should have pictures but some things? Can't somehow make myself take them!) the branches were just hanging and broken....I have now tied the branches with cotton and hidden the plank as much as I could. It looks better, the lights are back on it, not trailing all over the floor. It could be a long week!
I had my eyes tested today, my eyesight is much worse than before ( which I knew because guess what? I can't see as well! How funny that they think they are telling you something you don't know!) so I have beautiful new glasses to collect on saturday, because I have no vision in the center of my left eye, the optician took pictures of my eyes, the inside of my eyes...that was SO cool to see. He was checking for retinitis pigmentosa at the same time, no signs of that which is always a good thing to hear.
He showed me the pictures and explained what I was looking at, the scar on my left retina is so clear, due to an anurysm there is a big old black spot right in the middle. It hasn't changed for 30 years and I have become very used to 'flicking' my eyes back and forth to read whatever is at either side of the blind spot.
This past week I have been checked inside and out, top to bottom! Pretty good news too, my sugar levels are great..4, whatever that means! My cholesterol level is perfect, my eyes are getting old but glasses make that all good and dandy, my blood pressure is really great for the first time in a very long while. I feel pretty darned good about it all to be honest.
This was a tough week as far as sticking to the diet goes but I am back on track again thank goodness! Drinking water makes such a huge difference, I keep filling bottles and then the kids drink from them and ..how do you back wash in a bottle with a sports lid? Ewww and gag.
I have set myself new goals and new things to look towards and I am sure they will help me keep going. I have no idea why sometimes are tougher than others, being tired is a bad thing, I was so tired with jetlag and having too much to do to nap or sleep properly, I feel better now and am excited again to lose more and change more about myself.


UH OH! I am sitting her and everyone is sleeping..and a whole new stack of iPod downloads just came through....maybe someone else is using our account? Wow £25 in 2 days that's a whole ton of games, there are at least 20 or more free ones as well. I have deleted my bank details and changed all the passwords so nothing else can go through but my goodness, I am pretty sure Isaac didn't order this many! I think he won't be getting his hands on the iPod tomorrow either.
I wouldn't know where to even begin to order anything from iTunes!
I would assume someone got into our account and did think that until I just remembered that I went to check on the boys at 10.30 and Isaac was still awake and because there is no school they can take the iPod and watch a movie, usually Isaac watches 10 minutes and crashes..tonight he was till up 2 and a half hours after going to bed! So,if it takes a while to process, it is entirely possible that even after having it explained to him that he must not download anything without checking with us, he still did and it went through just after 11pm.
Oh well now NO-ONE can order anything because I took off all my card details, it'll be iTune cards or nothing from now on. Bloody iTunes and iPods and anyway, what's wrong with a good book? Nothing, that's what!
This has taken me a ridiculous amount of time to write, in between cancelling cards and changing passwords, waking H up and listening to him huff and tut because now he can't get back to sleep, reading emails and signing into Facebook a gazillion times, anyone know what I have had to sign in every single time I want to see anything on FB today? Look at a comment, sign in, see a picture, oh look time out sign in again, try and reply and Sorry we have a problem please sign in again.....yelling at the laptop hasn't worked at all, it's all very irritating indeed!
I am off to do some huffing and tutting myself now, don't see why I can't join in, seems its the day for it. Still, there's always tomorrow!

It's my party...

I am over it! I want to say that in case anyone that came to the party is reading this. It's my blog and I am going to say how horrible I have been for the last day or two ..so I remember not to make the same mistakes next year ( when we don't do a party like this years!)
It's just over 4 weeks til we go to Boston, I am saving as well as I can and thought I had done really well, my mistake was not changing the money over as I got it but keeping it in the bank until there was enough to make a transaction worthwhile...sounds sensible doesn't it? It does unless you are like me and you throw a party, one that you want to be wonderful for everyone that comes and you keep popping out to get that one last thing that will perfect it....because you have plenty of money in the bank, right? Right...then you have the party and it seems like a few hours of complete chaos, it doesn't seem like it went well, you feel sure that it was a flop, oh well, it's done, get over it...then you go to the bank to withdraw all that money you have been saving for your trip and see that you spent way WAY more on the stupid party than you ever imagined, those trips, spending £20 here and £40 there added up and pretty much half of your hard earned cash has gone, pppphut! Disappeared on a totally unenjoyable flop of a party.
*$%*"$!!!!!
So yesterday I was so miserable, so mad at myself, so completely and utterly stumped as to WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW?!?!
Well what I did now, was say to myself that no-one made me be so stupid about the party, looking at the pictures I see that other people DID have fun, I know we should have organised much more structured fun, the whole let them rip thing? Bad mistake, in years past we had a great mix of big kids and little kids and they really did enjoy just being able to have fun..this year we had over 30 little kids ( all between 4 and 9) and a few teenagers who were there because their parents told them they were going to be there and we had mayhem.
We had ripping off the walls of decorations and then wanton destruction of the same, we had way too much freedom with the smoke machine, we had too many kids with far too much sugar and ...well imagine it, that's how it was.
I couldn't sit in the front room where civilised people were sitting because I was quite keen to ensure the whole house wasn't trashed, I was also keen that the hyper than hyped kids didn't actually maim the slightly more reserved children.
I took what I had left in the bank and changed it to $s and I am going to do that every time I am paid, I will leave enough to live on and pay bills and we will be eating inventive and ridiculously cheap meals until Dec! Lesson learned, I will not be going crazy like that again, believe me.
Next year and I am sure we will do a party next year, we will have structure and set games, we will have invitations that are not handed out willy nilly and we will not have an open invite.
I did enjoy the after time of the party when one family who had arrived much later, remained after everyone else had left, I got to know them much better and I really was glad to spend that time with them.
We were all worn out after the party and for the first time ever, left the mess, that was another factor in the miserable saturday, sitting amidst chaos and mess and then seeing how little was left in the bank...that was a bad moment! I went back to bed until way after lunch and when I woke up again, H had cleaned, cleared, packed and organised, my mood lifted and things have gone better ever since.
I accept all the 'blame' for the mistakes this year, it is most unlike me to be so cavalier with money and to have not kept a close eye on what I was spending ( another factor that added to my irritation! No-one else to yell at !) I absolutely ignored all my inner promptings to set up games etc ( thinking the doughnut game and pinata would be enough ..oh foolish me!)
I am completely over my tantrum, spectacular as it was. I am happy about what we did, what I learned and am sure that Sophie and I will have a lovely time in Boston despite the fact that I will be doing considerably less shopping than I planned!
Sophie is very ready for the off, she is getting anxious to just go and have fun ( and so am I!)
Christmas is hurtling towards us and this year we intend to keep with our 'less is more' policy, concentrating on things other than gifts, the boys will have lovely stockings and 3 hearts desires under the tree, the last years have been so wonderful, with all the focus on being with family, decorating, treats unlimited for a few days, watching movies, visiting and being visited.
The boys have already made lists and I am thrilled to see that they are simple and achievable, small and exciting things that little boys can be excited about. Not a Nintedo Wii or DS to be seen. ( hooray, would hate to disappoint! Great that they have a big brother who does have a Wii and they go there and play for a while without getting stuck to the controls and forgetting that other things exist!)
Also, on friday, just as I was beginning to feel panic that things wouldn't get finished, the calendar alarm on my cell phone went off and reminded me that I had to go to the DWP ( benefits office) for what I thought was a regular review. Argh! I made it in time, onlt to discover that it was actually an interview with the fraud squad! ME! Mrs do it all by the book and don't ever risk anything illegal or fraudulent ever. ME!!
I was so past caring by this time, what with medical reviews and tribunals and more medical reviews and more phone calls, I just looked at him and said " Oh, right so why am I here then?"
"I am a compliance officer, what would you think that means?"
"could it mean that you try to find out of people like me are complying with your rules and regulations?"
"Yes, indeed, well done! " ( hmm, I wonder why there are so many posters up saying how outbursts of physical abuse will not be tolerated, could the condescending and sarcastic tone be a trigger often do you think?)
Anyway it ended with him telling me how pointless his job is, how easy it is to get away with fiddling the government and really there is precious little anyone can do when they do catch a rip off merchant and then, that he seems pretty sure I am on the level and as I looked him right in the eye, am honest and trustworthy. Wonderful, til next time. Bloody hell.
It was just a rotten weekend all in all, turned out OK in the end though and that's what matters after all. I think.
Still, it's all over now, a new week is about to begin, one closer to a few days of fun with my friends, can't come quickly enough if you ask me.

Big, slow steps.

This will be one of those posts that I hope will write itself, my head is a bit jumbly with all kinds of things to write and I am hoping that if I start, the rest will flow.
Sophie ran out of her medicine and didn't tell me until friday, after the doctors was closed, so she has been without for 4 days. Today she was so jittery and so miserable, the weather is atrocious, pouring hard with rain and cold. She walked to work and discovered her shoes have holes in so her feet were soaked before she even started work. She was scheduled to work from 11 - 4.30, I went into Asda at 4pm to collect her prescription and she looked about ready to explode, she has had such a rough weekend, she can't understand when she feels like this that it is a withdrawal and a need for her medicine, she really thinks that she hates everything, she was so sure she hated work, hates the people there, is irritated that people were asking if she was ok ( it is so obvious when Sophie is not feeling good, she is normally so loud, so outrageous, so willing to please, laughing and willing to do hours of overtime, the past few days she has been sullen, trying hard not to scowl, painfully careful to be polite to customers ( and us at home) but she has so clearly been unlike her normal self that everyone at work has been going out of their way to ask if she is alright which is the very worst thing you can do when she feels this way.
I just wish that she would not wait until she has run out of medicine before telling anyone, all it takes is one email and a new prescription is sent right to where she works, easy! I had to go and get it as she isn't paid until friday so she didn't have the money to pay for it, I couldn't risk giving her the money to pay for it because the way she is right now ( without her meds) she would have used the money to buy a great lunch instead of 'stupid medicine that doesn't work anyway'
I felt so badly for her, which is a new emotion for me, I usually feel irritated that she has left it too late again, lately I see just how ill she is without the medicine. She is working so hard, doing so well, I am so sad when she slips backwards like this and she is frustrated that she still needs the medicine.
She has had an early night, a good dinner, medicine and hopefully she will start to feel better tomorrow.
We are all somewhat fractious here lately, I think it's just a case of having so much to deal with, trying to make sure that our trip is a good one as well as making sure everything here gets paid and kept up to date, sometimes I am sure that I bite off more than I can chew and then I remind myself that life is short and sometimes we need to step outside what is comfortable in order to make memories. Sophie needs this trip, she needs this time with me, away from the boys and H, away from her brothers who have lives that to her seem so 'sorted' and glamorous. She needs to feel like the most important person.
It has occurred to me that since she was 5, anytime we were going anywhere different, we have made sure that Sophie didn't come. Her behaviour since she developed epilepsy all those years ago has been so incredibly outrageous that any kind of trip that included her was bound to end in tears ( mine usually!) Despite our circumstances I have always tried to make sure that we make memories, that we go places and experience many things, dear Sophie has missed out because she has never been able to behave in a way that is acceptable. She hasn't experienced anywhere near the joy that my other children have. It is time for her to go places and meet people, to see what is available now she is working so hard to live well.
I so want this to be an experience that stays with her forever. I don't want it to be 'OK' I want it to be incredible. I want her to see that everything is right there for her, that anything and everything is possible when she does her part.
Naturally I still have to pay bills, feed people, keep the car running. Sometimes it's overwhelming and this week is one of those weeks, running up a down escalator. Satisfying at the end of the fight but so bloody tough while you're doing it!
The diet is going so well, I am discovering new things about myself every day. I can actually listen to my body! How freaky and tree huggie is that?
I am learning what my body needs and what it doesn't like at all. Naturally the things my body hates are the very things my mouth likes the best! My body hates bread, even the smallest amount makes me irritable, sluggish, feel heavy and unable to function well. I adore bread but the longer I go without, the better I feel and the easier it is to leave it alone. Today I was out at lunch time, the only thing I could find that was alright to eat ( in a food court of chips and burger bars) was a lemon and black pepper baguette, perfectly fine and completely delicious but my goodness I felt miserable within half an hour of eating it, I swear I could feel it clogging up my whole insides, it's hard to describe any other way.
I can eat enormous amounts of the foods my body likes, the best thing is, I no longer need to eat large amounts of anything, I am satisfied and truly happy with the way I feel, getting weighed seems almost unnecessary as I can feel this is working, my clothes are really loose, in fact one of my favourite pairs of trousers have had to be thrown out because they were just ridiculously loose, to the point of being uncomfortable to wear, I was constantly pulling them up and feeling them slip as I walked ( oh what a terrible dilemma!)
I see foods that I want and I just ask how much I want it, the other day I really did want chocolate, so I ate until I didn't 'need' it anymore...4! FOUR pieces of chocolate! It was enough, I smacked that craving on the head, killed it dead by eating 4 pieces and then stopping, no more craving, no feeling deprived, no guilt. Ahhhh, heaven.
I have found alternatives to the old favourites, the things that I had no control over, I avoid completely. I am sure that I couldn't eat just 4 chips, or crisps, I would eat and eat and then feel miserable, so I don't eat any. I can eat weight watchers oven chips but really...how are they anything like a big bag of chips from the chip shop smothered in salt and vinegar? Nowhere near close, why bother?
I am no longer worried by how long it will be before I am 'thin' ( which will be never because I wouldn't look, or feel good thin) I am longing to just feel good. I have goals that I fully intend to reach. I want to wear jewellery, bangles in particular, I have even been looking online at beautiful bracelets that will one day be on my slim arms!
I long to wear shaped t-shirts, not the huge baggy sack like things I hide in now. Shapely and feminine will be the new me.
I just know that if I keep doing what I am doing, I will keep losing weight, maybe very slowly but it will go, if I give in and revert to my old ways, I will get bigger and more miserable. That doesn't even sound like a choice does it?
It feels good to have goals, no matter how long term, it helps to be working towards something.
In 6 weeks Sophie and I will be on our trip and I am sure that it will help her so much in her fight to be happy. She is feeling overwhelmed right now too, she gets paid on friday and will have some money left over to get her hair done, I am sure that will help her a lot, she is so beautiful, she needs to feel it again!
Slow steps for both of us, huge ones though, we are both working to be happy and it is great to be doing this with her, instead of against her.

It's a girl thing.

Umbrella
2 purses
sunscreen
babywipes
4 sanitary towels
3 bottles anti- bac hand gel ( me germaphobe? Tell me who told you such a tale!!)
cheque book
toner
moisturiser
wooden ruler ( curtains of course!!)
footfile ( like a mini cheese grater, is revolting but not as revolting as my feet)
elastoplast
bandage
anti itch cream
anti sting cream
after insect bite cream ( is there a theme here??)
nail clippers
styptic pencil
hairband
receipts ( 9)
prescription receipts ( 4)
medicine syringe
2 watches
3 packs of tissues
appointment cards ( 4)
passport photos
Passport ( why?!)
7 pens
3 packs medicine
tweezers
paperwork for holiday ( HOLIDAY in hotel, in sunshine......aaaaaaaaaah.)
phone bill ( paid thankyouverymuch)
new mobile phone bumph
small key for who knows what but will probably never throw it away because you never know, I might need it.
little handy book/keyring thingy for writing phone numbers that I forget I have and have never used, not so handy is it?
notebook
nappy pin
Crumbs.

In my backpack that I lug around wherever I go. It has seemed so heavy lately.....hmmmmmmmm, that'll be why!
HAd my camera but didn't take pictures of my beautiful girl because we were dashing about. Isaac cried when she went to go back to Jordan's flat...so he went with her for 3 hours. THREE HOURS! By choice. T'was a miracle and she smiled and smiled, was so happt that he wanted HER and not me and was just divine. More later and maybe even pictures tomorrow. I promise