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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Big, slow steps.

This will be one of those posts that I hope will write itself, my head is a bit jumbly with all kinds of things to write and I am hoping that if I start, the rest will flow.
Sophie ran out of her medicine and didn't tell me until friday, after the doctors was closed, so she has been without for 4 days. Today she was so jittery and so miserable, the weather is atrocious, pouring hard with rain and cold. She walked to work and discovered her shoes have holes in so her feet were soaked before she even started work. She was scheduled to work from 11 - 4.30, I went into Asda at 4pm to collect her prescription and she looked about ready to explode, she has had such a rough weekend, she can't understand when she feels like this that it is a withdrawal and a need for her medicine, she really thinks that she hates everything, she was so sure she hated work, hates the people there, is irritated that people were asking if she was ok ( it is so obvious when Sophie is not feeling good, she is normally so loud, so outrageous, so willing to please, laughing and willing to do hours of overtime, the past few days she has been sullen, trying hard not to scowl, painfully careful to be polite to customers ( and us at home) but she has so clearly been unlike her normal self that everyone at work has been going out of their way to ask if she is alright which is the very worst thing you can do when she feels this way.
I just wish that she would not wait until she has run out of medicine before telling anyone, all it takes is one email and a new prescription is sent right to where she works, easy! I had to go and get it as she isn't paid until friday so she didn't have the money to pay for it, I couldn't risk giving her the money to pay for it because the way she is right now ( without her meds) she would have used the money to buy a great lunch instead of 'stupid medicine that doesn't work anyway'
I felt so badly for her, which is a new emotion for me, I usually feel irritated that she has left it too late again, lately I see just how ill she is without the medicine. She is working so hard, doing so well, I am so sad when she slips backwards like this and she is frustrated that she still needs the medicine.
She has had an early night, a good dinner, medicine and hopefully she will start to feel better tomorrow.
We are all somewhat fractious here lately, I think it's just a case of having so much to deal with, trying to make sure that our trip is a good one as well as making sure everything here gets paid and kept up to date, sometimes I am sure that I bite off more than I can chew and then I remind myself that life is short and sometimes we need to step outside what is comfortable in order to make memories. Sophie needs this trip, she needs this time with me, away from the boys and H, away from her brothers who have lives that to her seem so 'sorted' and glamorous. She needs to feel like the most important person.
It has occurred to me that since she was 5, anytime we were going anywhere different, we have made sure that Sophie didn't come. Her behaviour since she developed epilepsy all those years ago has been so incredibly outrageous that any kind of trip that included her was bound to end in tears ( mine usually!) Despite our circumstances I have always tried to make sure that we make memories, that we go places and experience many things, dear Sophie has missed out because she has never been able to behave in a way that is acceptable. She hasn't experienced anywhere near the joy that my other children have. It is time for her to go places and meet people, to see what is available now she is working so hard to live well.
I so want this to be an experience that stays with her forever. I don't want it to be 'OK' I want it to be incredible. I want her to see that everything is right there for her, that anything and everything is possible when she does her part.
Naturally I still have to pay bills, feed people, keep the car running. Sometimes it's overwhelming and this week is one of those weeks, running up a down escalator. Satisfying at the end of the fight but so bloody tough while you're doing it!
The diet is going so well, I am discovering new things about myself every day. I can actually listen to my body! How freaky and tree huggie is that?
I am learning what my body needs and what it doesn't like at all. Naturally the things my body hates are the very things my mouth likes the best! My body hates bread, even the smallest amount makes me irritable, sluggish, feel heavy and unable to function well. I adore bread but the longer I go without, the better I feel and the easier it is to leave it alone. Today I was out at lunch time, the only thing I could find that was alright to eat ( in a food court of chips and burger bars) was a lemon and black pepper baguette, perfectly fine and completely delicious but my goodness I felt miserable within half an hour of eating it, I swear I could feel it clogging up my whole insides, it's hard to describe any other way.
I can eat enormous amounts of the foods my body likes, the best thing is, I no longer need to eat large amounts of anything, I am satisfied and truly happy with the way I feel, getting weighed seems almost unnecessary as I can feel this is working, my clothes are really loose, in fact one of my favourite pairs of trousers have had to be thrown out because they were just ridiculously loose, to the point of being uncomfortable to wear, I was constantly pulling them up and feeling them slip as I walked ( oh what a terrible dilemma!)
I see foods that I want and I just ask how much I want it, the other day I really did want chocolate, so I ate until I didn't 'need' it anymore...4! FOUR pieces of chocolate! It was enough, I smacked that craving on the head, killed it dead by eating 4 pieces and then stopping, no more craving, no feeling deprived, no guilt. Ahhhh, heaven.
I have found alternatives to the old favourites, the things that I had no control over, I avoid completely. I am sure that I couldn't eat just 4 chips, or crisps, I would eat and eat and then feel miserable, so I don't eat any. I can eat weight watchers oven chips but are they anything like a big bag of chips from the chip shop smothered in salt and vinegar? Nowhere near close, why bother?
I am no longer worried by how long it will be before I am 'thin' ( which will be never because I wouldn't look, or feel good thin) I am longing to just feel good. I have goals that I fully intend to reach. I want to wear jewellery, bangles in particular, I have even been looking online at beautiful bracelets that will one day be on my slim arms!
I long to wear shaped t-shirts, not the huge baggy sack like things I hide in now. Shapely and feminine will be the new me.
I just know that if I keep doing what I am doing, I will keep losing weight, maybe very slowly but it will go, if I give in and revert to my old ways, I will get bigger and more miserable. That doesn't even sound like a choice does it?
It feels good to have goals, no matter how long term, it helps to be working towards something.
In 6 weeks Sophie and I will be on our trip and I am sure that it will help her so much in her fight to be happy. She is feeling overwhelmed right now too, she gets paid on friday and will have some money left over to get her hair done, I am sure that will help her a lot, she is so beautiful, she needs to feel it again!
Slow steps for both of us, huge ones though, we are both working to be happy and it is great to be doing this with her, instead of against her.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good that she told you though, before she (and everyone else) went through a couple of weeks of hell. Your trip sounds so exciting and the eating better is awesome! I ate a candy bar last night (was in a bad bad mood) and noticed that after one bite I didn't want it anymore, but I kept eating it just because. Made my stomach hurt and I don't think I'll do that again.

My hats off to you. :)

11:49 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will hope that Sophie has taken just a lean back and recovers quickly. Funny how she has medicine that makes her feel good, but she doesn't want to take it. Looking back, she will see the difference, but in the midst of it, it's impossible. It's Fall here, the weather is beautiful, but gets light so late and dark so early I always find this part of the year depressing. I am looking for a full time job as there still is just not enough money and it's frustrating. Sometimes I hate life. I am looking forward to your trip so I can pretend I have had a vacation too.

9:55 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even small steps are steps. You're doing fantastically sweetie and so is Sophie. I am so glad that you're able to have this trip. To give each other time for each other and for yourselves. What an awesome blessing. You rock.

12:47 pm  
Blogger Tired Mom of Six said...

First off - Hooray for you! I'm just so happy that you know how important you are - the rest of us have known forever and ever. It makes my heart soar when I hear your accomplishments and I know you WILL reach your goals - every single one of them. I love you & mist you SO much!

I'm sorry that Sophie's meds ran out, but so proud of her that she got through it even when she felt more than miserable. What a huge accomplishment for her! I'm sure the upcoming trip will be filled with memory making and I hope you both come away with a feeling that it was worth even more than you could imagine! :)

12:49 pm  

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