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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Well for heavens sake.....maybe I AM better!

I had a review ( again) for my health benefits today. I was annoyed when the letter came because I am so tired of having to explain myself, so instead of getting worked up, I just resigned myself to going, saying what came into my head at the time and leaving.
I got there ( and yes, I got lost again!) waited, 45 minutes after my appointment time, who should call me in but the very same gray haired, bow tied old git that I had last time. My heart sank a bit and then, again, I told myself that sweating it was a waste of time, I was relaxed and able to see things how they really were. I was being interviewed by the head of the ' pull yourself together brigade' to even try and explain myself would have been to degrade myself, he said things like " So, hmmm, urticaria, do you have an epi pen? Have you been hospitalised? So it's not an ALLERGY that makes your skin this bad.....it's all in your head?"
"Then, your husband cleans because he wants to, not because you CAN'T?"
"So, then, when you say you can't go out when your skin is bad because you are embarrassed to be seen with welts all over your face, what you are saying is, physically you COULD go out but again, you say you 'can't' because, well it's all in your head again isn't it?"
" I know it would be difficult for you to work because of your children but would you like a job?"
And do you know what the devil made me do?
I looked him in the face and said " No!"
His face was a picture, I was supposed to say how I would love a job but am so miserable I can't leave the house..... he asked why I wouldn't like a job and I said " because I am a control freak and if I had to go to work 8 hours a day I wouldn't know what was happening at home would I?"
He asked me if get angry and I said " no, can't be bothered, doesn't get me anywhere, doesn't solve anything"
Do you go shopping? " yes, hate standing in lines though because I don't want to be talking to people, I don't like talking to people"
"well, that's just because you don't like lining up, who does?"
I gave up and believe it or not, I found the whole thing funny. They will stop that extra money again and I am past caring, I think that maybe I AM better, I can't be bothered fighting and proving to anyone anymore that I am depressed, because actually, I think I'm NOT anymore.
I can't think of a single job I would be good at, I can't think of anyone that would be interested in employing a woman who has been a stay at home parent for 23 years but I simply am not going to spend another moment trying to convince people I am a lost cause. Maybe I'm not, perhaps I should bite the bullet and get a job, somewhere somehow and try something new. Take my scaly itchy skin and meet the public, could be fun! If anyone balks at being served by a welty old itch bag, I should perhaps just smile and tell them not to worry, it's all in my head and not a bit contagious!
H and I whistled with laughter all the way home because it was so awful it was funny. He was so obviously one of those people who think anything 'mental' is hogwash and nonsense and maybe it is, the best thing? I couldn't care less what he thinks or what he writes in his report.
Hey, maybe I am better!

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7 Comments:

Blogger Lost in a Secret Garden said...

I didn't know you had urticaria Helen. Did you know I was dx'd with urticaria pigmentosis when I was 12 days old? Had spots till I was 12yrs old. Covered my entire body from head to toe (and all the unseen places too). That's where a lot of my self-consciousness comes in & shyness cause of the comments that had always been made by kids & adults alike. My uncle got in a fist fight with someone at the grocery store once cause his wife made a comment about how I shouldn't be out in public with those spots.

I don't suffer too much anymore from my urticaria, only when I have an allergice reaction to something (mainly grasses - no picnics on the lush green lawns for me). However, the dermatologists & doctors now believe my condition has a lot to do with a few of the other conditions I have: rosasia, adult acne, etc...

Mine hasn't hindered my ability to go out in the world, but had the spots not disappeared when they did who knows where I'd be now. I do know some scars that will never properly heal (emotionally) still lie underneith because of the urticaria pigmantosis.

2:54 pm  
Blogger Jackie said...

Oh Helen! Good on you for giving it right back to that rudeass man! Blech!! I hope they don't stop your money, but I do think you are well...and even if you're not "well", I still love you bunches!!

6:27 pm  
Blogger justLacey said...

Why do he let that same old fart interview you every year? You did well. You are not unemployable either. you have held down the hardest job in the world for 23 years. Going out and getting paid to work would be a party compared to that. Not as rewarding though, I must admit.

7:44 pm  
Blogger G said...

You're rocking it out. I think the fact that you're fine in yourself is worth more money or dx or anything else ever...because I hope its a step for you to realize how great you truly are. My nursing diagnosis: FANTASTIC WOMAN who is a blessing to all...and Doctor who can bite me. :) Oh I did just say bite me. I did.

8:19 pm  
Blogger Cathy said...

You are better, better then anything I can think of!

Since I can't diagnose you, like G, I'm going to piggy back on to her diagnosis! Frantastic I tell you!

9:59 pm  
Blogger Stetch said...

Hmm...I have no clue, I'm not a doc but wth, might as well give it a go huh? See if you can find something fun to do for a few hours a day--you might love it! I'm thinking along those lines myself now. As soon as this fundraiser is over...I'm going to look!

1:43 am  
Blogger Julie Q said...

Good luck with whatever you decide to do Helen.

Like someone else suggested, you could just give it a try, just a little at a time?

10:26 pm  

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