My Photo
Location: United Kingdom

Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

You asked for got it!

Here we go then, some answers just for you and probably some rambling, just for me!
I am emotional tis evening after an evening with Sophie, she came by today with tulips and a pink rose and a smiley face, lovely. We went, armed with chick flicks and chocolate to Mel and Jordan's home and spent a great and happy evening together, we watched 'The holiday' and 'music and lyrics' wonderful girlie evening, when it was time to go, Sophie started to say that she wanted to sleep here tonight, this wouldn't be a good idea, I can't let her feel comfortable and begin to believe she can move back, also she hasn't a bed here, she would have to sleep with Seth or in the front room, she has a room of her own to sleep in where she is staying.
She was like a little girl and was begging and pleading, saying she would sleep on the floor but she just wanted to be near me and in my house. I had to kiss her face and pat her leg and send her in to the house, she was angry and then she stood at the door pleading. I cried all the way home but have to stick with the decisions I made.
Tomorrow I hope I can get her in to see my doctor, she needs more help and she seems ready to take it. I can but hope.

Anyway, Brenda......if you saw me you would immediately realise that I am not one to have favourites where chocolate is concerned! I love pretty much all of it, curly wurlies are delicious but there is so much more to the chocolate shelves here in the UK, I am fair though and spread my consumer pennies through out the companies, Cadburys usually win although Galaxy is a close second!

Suzanne, I will send you some smarties after I send Jennifer her tea, which will most likely be in about 34 years the rate I am moving!
How did I raise my 2 boys to be such glorious men ( did you call them that or is that my word?)
Well, I was single, which meant that I got to do what I thought was right with nobody contradicting me or setting an example other than the one I wanted them to see. I didn't have a plan and I didn't read any books, I prayed a lot and went with what seemed right at at the time.
I was tough, much, much tougher than I am with these 3 boys ( which worries me abit because I want them to be good men too and sometimes I think they are more likely to be brats unless I get tough again) I was so worried that someone, anyone would ever look at my kids and know they were from a single parent family that I was unbendable in the way they were raised, I had every definite guidlelines, they were clear to everyone and I didn't bend them.
I was never afraid of what people thought, ever. If they misbehaved, wherever we were I made it clear that I disapproved. I didn't wait til we got home and I didn't allow what other people thought prevent me from doing what I thought needed doing.
We had enormous fun, we had adventures, we had lots of love and a closeness that I don't think I have with Seth, Isaac and Eli because it was just us. I felt it was me and them against the big bad world, the fact that they had been abducted and so abused made our family even closer, I chose to be alone for so long so that I was free to be who they needed me to be, when I saw they were healed and that there was time and energy left for someone else, I met H, almost right away. I am convinced that if I had been married, either to their dad or H, any earlier the boys would never have been healed the way they are. It took 5 years, complete years of my being available day and night to deal with the night terrors, the nightmares, the daytime fears, the insanity and the horrible, terrible pain that we all felt. There was no spare anything, not emotion, not time, not energy or space for anyone but us in those years, then there was the healing time, the time to just grow and recover, enjoy and relax, then came H, perfectly timed.
I consciously taught them about women, about being kind and firm, about thinking about feelings, I taught them what I know, that real joy can't be found, it can't be demanded, it comes from giving joy. If you try and make others happy, absolutely every time it comes right back to you, when you forget what you think YOU need and you concentrate on what the people around you need, you get joy. Buckets of it, more than you can ever hold onto.

Sarah, Seth and Isaac were extraordinary babies, 11 months apart, they were complete opposites. Seth spoke ridiculously early, by 15 months he could name every dinosaur and tell you what they ate and where they came from. Isaac screamed for 5 1/2 months, didn't talk at all until he was 4 1/2. Seth was lazy.....feed me, fetch me, get me, please me. Isaac wouldn't ask for a drink he would just get it himself, he walked at 12 months and pretty much did most things for himself...and Seth.
Isaac was the happiest little boy as long as he could see H or me, at 14 months he turned, almost overnight from a happy boy, sociable and easy going, into a little boy who cried if he couldn't see me and would scream bloody murder if it looked like he was going to be left with anyone, even gramma, whom he adored, he stopped looking at people ( other than me or daddy) he hid behind his yellow blanket and shut out the world.
I didn't really think too much about how quiet he was, I didn't think about how bizarre Seth was either because they both had so many of H's quirks, I assumed that they were mini Hs.
H is painfully into routine, he has 'things' that are more than just important, they were essential, silverwear that is the only silverwear he uses, kept in a specific place in the drawers, one type of socks that are put in a drawer on their own, he will only have 2 pairs of dress pants and 2 pairs of casual pants, if I buy more he throws one pair away. In fact I don't buy his clothes because they have to be right.
Isaac chooses clothes and then wears them, only them for weeks, even months, every day. He hates socks with seams, he always knows where his things are, he folds his clothes and puts them where he can see them when he puts his PJs on, when he takes his PJs off, he puts them at the end of his bed so he knows where they are ( same ones every night) I wash them and put them where he left them.
If he sees something in a store or if I see something I am pretty sure he will like I buy 2, always..that way I know he will always have the right clothes to wear.
Seth started school on the day Isaac started nursery, it was only then, within 2 days that I became aware of just how different these little boys were to the other kids.
( Remember I have never had, until Eli, a 'normal' 4 year old boy, Dan and Jordan were so damaged by being abducted and Seth was so clever and so NOT average!) Isaac was so terrified of everything and everyone at nursery, Seth had no idea how to play or interact with children his own age, he was baffled as to why these 4 year olds didn't enjoy discussing whether camelons should be in the primate family and WHY DO THEY RUN ABOUT PULLING ON EACH OTHERS JUMPERS? What was all that about???
Within a week I had been summoned to the special ed teacher and told that we needed to get a diagnosis on both boys, especially Isaac because he was never going to be able to fit in without enormous help.
I asked to sit and wait with Seth, he was happy, he is so clever and to be honest he is SO like H I could see that even if he IS different, even if he never adjusted and fit in, he wouldn't care , he would, like his daddy, assume that everyone else is weird and he is just perfect , he would feel sympathy for all those people who just didn't get it all!
Isaac was diagnosed very quickly with aspergers syndrome and has had fabulous help from teachers and speech therapy, I insisted from the very beginning that I would not co-operate with anyone who tried to make Isaac 'normal', I refuse to change who he is. I have only ever wanted for Isaac to be able to function in the world and be happy, I truly couldn't care less if he is never the life and soul of a party, I don't care at all if he is always on the outskirts of the world if he is happy there. If he is content wherever he chooses to be, that's good enough for me, as long as he chooses where he is. I don't want him to ever be outside longing to be a part of what he sees but being too afraid.
The miraculous thing is, by making him feel that HIS world is just fine, that no-one expects him to do anything that makes him afraid, by letting him set the pace and in things that are unavoidable, like school by being there with him, by having his own helper that has always been there to help him feel secure,by being clear that he is safe but here are things he has to do, even if they frighten letting him see that he has control over most things in his world, he has begun to leave his world and come into ours. I am sure he will always be different, rigid in his ways etc but to see him now, just 2 years after we were told that he would probably never really function in a way that was 'normal' I have no doubt that he will be an amazing adult and a happy one to boot.
Seth is doing well too, he is, as predicted, way ahead academically, he has friends who share his passion for basketball ( more of an obsession but at least a healthy one!) he is funny and happy and has his fathers total lack of understanding when it comes to emotion. He will be fine.
When Isaac was diagnosed, the pediatrician told me that he is 100% sure that both Seth and H have aspergers too, that didn't come as a surpise at all, these apples didn't fall far from the tree!
Elijah has not a trace of aspergers or autism, not a bit. He is the only 'normal' 4 year old I have ever had.

Clara....both pictures are of me, my hair is very, very curly, the older I get the curlier it gets but it drives me scatty, every now and then I crack open the expensive starightening shampoo, conditioner, straightening serum, anti frizz heat protecter and the GHD straighteners because I just have to feel less crazy and more sleek and shiny. The straight hair lasts until I walk outside, the moment the air hits it, it curls again.

Becca, my sister Leah reads my blog, I think she sometimes shows it to my mum, I send the link to my 2 other sisters if there is something I really want them to read but they otherwise don't bother. I mistakenly sent the link to Dan once when I wanted him to see some pictures and was mortified when I realised what I had done, I do not want my kids reading this until I am dead!
This blog was initially for me to rid myself of the demons that I had following so many traumatic incidents, nowadays it is much mreo for entertainment but I still often vent my frustrations on life, it keeps me sane. I don't want to feel I need to curb what I write in case my kids read it and get hurt or feel guilty. When I knew Dan had the link I was so mad at myself, turns out he is a typical man anyway, said he loves the pictures and says there is way too much writing for his liking so he would look at the pictures and not read ( even if that isn't true he sounded convincing enough that I feel safe writing what I feel and don't hold back) He did call and tell me that his ex partner had accessed his email account, got hold of the blog and read it...right through apparantly, he called Dan a few times and tried to convince him to demand I delete certain if.
He now knows that is never and wil never happen, my blog, my thoughts, read it if you like, or don't that's the choice, censoring MY blog is what I do, not what someone tells me to do. Knowing this man could still be reading unfortunately has stopped me writing about Dan many times, purely because what I say could get back to Dan and that isn't fair, I will boast about him because he is splendid but I can't give details.
I saw ( through google) that Sophie got hold of the blog address and had been reading ( was so obvious from the words she used to google!) So I don't know if she reads very often, I doubt it because the way she is, she would have to call me on things I say or correct me when she thinks I am wrong ( which is almost always!)
Jordan could care less, he doesn't have internet access and has so little time anyway that I am sure he would find much more interesting things to do with his time!
Julie Q, the picture with the horse was taken when we drove to the moors about 5 miles away, those are wild ponies that have learned that people in cars have food, they have picnics and they share the goodies, so when you park up and get out of the car they come running! I am such a woosy when it comes to animals, I really am not an animal lover and the sight of those ponies surrounding me made me almost wee my knickers. The fact that the kids and H were laughing fit to bust at me made it worse, every time I tried to open the door a bit to get out or even back in....they came at me! That look was genuine fear mixed with hysterical laughter at how ridiculous I was being.

Julie Bo, I am going to work on an answer to your request and make it a post of it's own. My faith is such an anormous part of me that I rarely share it. I know that many of the things I believe are not what the majority believe. In the UK it is quite tough to be openly religious, it is not something that is accepted as it is in the states, it was such a breath of fresh air to be in America where people are so much more at ease with their faith.
I have to think about how to share what I feel and take time to write it in a way that I think will make some sense!

I have loved answering the questions, keep them coming, it's fun not havbing to think about what to write about, my brain needs a break right now!

Labels: ,


Blogger LosingSanity said...

Great post! Loved reading all the answers. I forgot to email you my question and after reading this post, I am glad that I chose to email it rather than post it.

I still can't think of any other questions. If and when I do, I will post it!

3:46 am  
Blogger *~*Zann*~* said...

Thanks Helen!!! I don't worry too much about what people think either. If Riley does something I don't care if we're in public or not. I put him in the corner at a pizza place one night! :) I'm not abusing him, so people can butt out!

4:34 am  
Blogger TN said...

Helen, I enjoyed reading the answers. I have read your blog in its entirety. It took me over a month. That was about a year ago, and I still cannot wait....everyday.... to see what you have written. I think you are a wonderful Mother, Wife and soon to be Grandmother.
I saw this written somewhere the other suits ME perfectly: Life may not be the party we expected, but while we are here, we might as well dance. TN

3:56 pm  
Blogger sarah said...

Thank you. We have two boys 2 and 4 who are both autistic. So i get nosey....thank you for sharing your story with me.

2:01 pm  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home