Well that's that then.

Today was the day!
The discovering of Nana's baby, boy or girl. Such excitement was there last night, Mel couldn't sleep and Jordan couldn't sleep and every time I almost went to sleep I'd think again about seeing that little person on the screen and get to know it a bit more, so then I would wake up again. Because it's all SO thrilling, this Nana business, being a step apart from it, without the weeing and the heartburn, no puking or burping ( actually, much burping but that's just me, can't blame an innocent fetus) Watching my gangly great boy hold the tiniest babygro and see him melt a bit because he is going to be a DADDY! Girl or boy?????
I keep forgetting that I don't already know it's a girl and I have bought pink and made girlie things, then I drag myself back to earth and tell myself that they didn't have THE ultrasound and I DON'T know what this baby is.
Funny that from the moment it began, this baby was what it was, no wishing or praying, no hoping or sending pick or blue vibes would change it, it is what it is and not by any accident.
SO much discussion about whether to find out or not. Knowledge or surprise? Which is best?
I had 3 of each, 3 stretches of nine months with wondering and hoping, feeling sure and then not having a clue. Suspense and such excitement when that moment comes and someone will declare It's a BOY....Oh..a GIRL! Twice a boy and once, just once those 'It's a girl' words. Shaking legs and spinning heads, unbelievable high as you try to take it all in, this new person and that incredible joy, exquisite joy.
The great thing about not knowing what you are having is the thrill of knowing you are so close to finding out, that the excitement pushes away a huge portion of the fear. Whenever I walked into the hospital to have my babies I would smell that hospital smell and my bowels would turn to water, such was my fear ( except with Daniel, ignorance was such bliss) with Jordan and Sophie, the idea of knowing at last whether this was a son or daughter....would help, take away that terror.
3 times, I found out, when the possibility of knowing was there, I grabbed it, I WANTED to know, NEEDED to know.
Of course, with Seth we were told that he was a girl, 5 times...right up until the day before he was born it was a girl. Phoebe Ygnacia ( after H's mom, phew for Seth then!) pretty dresses, pink sunhats, the whole shebang. Whoops!
Then with Isaac and Eli no doubt that they were boys, sad for 2 weeks that there wouldn't be a girl baby with H, I so wanted a dark skinned brown eyed baby girl and call her Ruby, it was not to be and now we thank the Lord for that, we think that we have exactly what we can deal with. A teenage girl when I am galloping towards 60? Oh dear.
So, today was the day.
Early appointment and I just made it in time, just as I arrived they called for Mel and we went in.
I will never tire of seeing those miraculous sights on the screen, flesh of my flesh, evidence that God exists and that generations will continue, knowing that this is a real person and we can catch a glimpse long before we should. Wonderful.
We saw that little head, beautiful arms, little hand on top of the head. Eyes and lips, tiny cheeks and perfect feet. Sleeping. Curled up and peaceful and still.
Tucked down in mummy's pelvis, facing backwards. Tiny heart fluttering and little sleepy wriggles as unaware, the sonographer measured and captured such perfection and beauty.
Patience as we sat and watched, waiting for the moment. At last....now was the moment, breath held, straining to see on the screen........there it was, that place that we needed to see.....with the umbilical cord RIGHT BETWEEN IT'S LEGS! Little stinker, fast asleep with it's gender covered and NOTHING was going to wake it up, move it, get that cord out of the way. S/he slept.
Oh such disappointment all 'round. We wanted to know so much, so badly and we had such fun planned, buying pink or blue, just knowing and being prepared. In truth, with shame, we forgot for a moment that we had seen and been told that this was a perfect baby, strong and healthy. Gah......stupid sonographer, naughty baby, pppppptttttthhhhhhhh.
The shopping trip was a flop because we are bored with cream stuff and green stuff, we want PINK or blue....just to KNOW!
But we don't, it will be fine. There is talk of a 4D scan at 28 weeks, even then we may not see. No matter, before we know it we will have that little person here with us and all this frustration will be behind us. When we see that baby, will will feel as though we always knew that this was exactly who s/he is. This will be a story to tell at a 5th birthday party, the way we remind Seth how he fooled us into think he was a girl. He laughs so hard when we tell him that story, he tells us he did it on purpose because it was such a funny joke.
I couldn't pick up anything blue, I just forget that I don't know this is a girl. I am particularly bad at guessing the gender of babies, I got it right with Dan and that's it, I am always wrong. I should probably be making blue things and looking at sailboat onesies. I adore baby boys, when I see this baby I will be thrilled and head over heels.
( but I really hope it's a girl,right now, for a moment)

This way, that way, forward, backward.....

Ever had that feeling that everyone wants a piece of you and they want it NOW? It's been one of those days. Not necessarily a bad thing altogether, exhausting yes.
With Sophie, it is always emotionally exhausting. She is a mare. She will make it all sound so dire and she will rub everything in as though this is ALL.MY.FAULT. She did that today but I am learning just how manipulative she can be, I caught her out today and was able to turn it around and show her that sometimes, things are only the way she sees it , because that is how she chooses to see it.
It started with a phone call.
"mum, where are you because I am locked out and cold, Ang is sleeping and no-one is answering the door, I am tired, come and get me and then bring me back here later" ( please? Of course not)
"Soph, I'm right in the middle of baking, I have a few things to do and in an hour I will collect the boys, either you can walk over here and I will run you home, or you can wait and meet me at the school, have dinner here....."
"Forget it, I'll just freeze, I am so cold and what do you care?" Hung up.
Text.
'I haven't been this angry in a long time hope ur happy, can't believe u wudnt do something that simple for me'
Text back
'well, I am baking, getting dinner ready, trying to pack to move again, have to collect the boys in an hour, have no petrol money for extra trips, not so simple is it?'
Her text said that she was tired, why couldn't I just do one thing for her...
This went on until I just got tired of trying to explain that she isn't the only person that needs me and although I loved her, she was welcome to come over but I couldn't just drop everything blah blah......poor Sophie, pout in torrential rain, alone and unloved.......when I finished the cake I was making and had everything organised here, the texts were still coming in fast and furious, I drove to the school early ( had a magazine with me) the house she is in is on the route to school. Little bugger wasn't even there! This whole time she was actually with her friend in town!
So glad I have somehow mastered the art of only worrying about those things I am able to change or fix.
She came back with me for an hour or so, played with the boys and then went again.
Then Jordan and Mel came over.....look where my grandbaby is growing....



In there, that teeny tiny little bump has a perfect little person inside it. I think it looks like my leg, with a bump the size of my fat knee.



I've had gas bloating bigger than that. So unfair that people can have these little tummies and then when the child comes out, SNAP right back down again. Unlike my blown up, let down overstretched balloon belly.


Uncle Eli says hello.

And the daddy,



So we looked up names, they love Ellena Grace for a girl, which is really Helen isn't it? After me of course. I told them that is what I would be telling people, so if it is a girl I imagine she will be called Chloe, so as not to confuse me and make me feel overly important, because I could, quite easily turn into hovering Nana, with namesake baby. Given a chance.

We are burying our heads in the sand as far as packing goes, not a bit done, yet. Although having said that, what can we do? We have a massive 11 days to do it. Which is a long time when most of it is still packed from last time. When we came home from our holiday I went through the clothes and took 3 black sacks of stuff to the recycling place because no-one wears this stuff, the boys are weird little same outfit wearing people, 2 sets of clothes, over and over again, while bags of stuff sits waiting to be ironed and put away and never worn, just pulled out, creased and left there. BYE BYE! Gone.
What we have left can be carried in the dressers, or ironing baskets.
We could pack kitchen stuff and tomorrow, maybe we will do just that. Maybe, on the day I will throw it in laundry baskets and drive it to the new house, and then put it straight away. Maybe I will recruit everyone I know to drive here, pack a black sack and drive it to the new house. 57 cars each doing one trip...sorted.
I am so laid back about this whole move I almost impress ( or worry) myself. 11 days, gah! Plenty of time.
All I can say is this....TV, phone and internet are sorted, what more can we need? Beds will take 30 minutes to take down ( so used are we to doing it) we will have all kinds of people to help and carry, van is arranged, I am going to the agency on monday to finalise the last details, can't do anything else there until then. My goodness, I am completely ahead of the game.
Dan has the chance of a great job down here.....wouldn't that be the icing on the cake??
I am about ready to curl up in bed with my splendid book, sleep is still coming easily and I would like to take this opportunity to thank the United States of America for somehow curing my insomnia and glory of glories, since we came home, all 3 boys sleep through til 7-7.30 every morning. No more 5am wake ups, truly miraculous.

May 30th. and more ( because I came back, can't shut me up some days!)

That's when grandbaby mine is due. Mel had a scan this morning ( that I didn't go to and I am not sad, or feeling put out because her mum DID go, I'm not, that would be petty wouldn't it?) Anyway at last we know that she is 12 weeks and 5 days which gives her a due date of May 30th hooray.
Look at the widgety thing with 12 week 5 day old baby in, beginning to look like an actual baby with big old head and real legs.
7 weeks or so we will know if it is a girl child or boy child and that will be very good. I keep forgetting that I don't know it is a girl. Oh dear.

I have had a miserable old day today.
More trouble with landlady from ? Where IS she from? Not landlady school of doing things well that's for sure. She did eventually bring a builder around who told her the whole bathroom floor had to come up, shower replaced etc HOORAH, someone who won't bodge it all up.....except now she called to say she can't afford to pay him so she won't be doing the repairs and oh...make sure the rent is on time ( As always!)
I had this conversation with her
"Bridget, we are still waiting for the rebate of £150 for the gas at the barn, what I thought would be a good idea is, if I just send a cheque for £600 this month and then we're straight" ( seems reasonable to me)
She went o to say that no, that is not OK, she isn't USING the gas, why should she pay for it? Because she has possession of the gas, she COULD use it, she has the barn up for rent, you think if she rents it, she will charge the new tenants for the gas and then give us the money? Nope.
She also said that she can't do any work on the flat...no money but can we talk Jordan and Mel into living in it because she would like the extra £250 a month.
We all have a limit to our tolerance for such nonsense and that was mine.
I have been to the council, made a formal complaint against the girl who ran to landlady telling tales, explained the whole situation, ( made sure that I saw a senior officer with the council) and oh.....watery bowels.....he is going to take action. Ooo-er, she has broken so many regulations and put us in a position that is unbearable, we have accommodated this woman time and time again and I am sick of being the 'little man.' I'm sure that this will cause an uproar. So what. Enough is enough. Who knows where we will end up living, at this point I give up trying to think about it.
I am on my very last nerve. I see the holiday as the finishing line and I am flagging on the last leg...will I make it 2 more weeks 'til I can rest my weary head and try to not think for 3 weeks? I hope I can, limp limp.
H has cleaned and scrubbed while I was out this morning, thank goodness. I am mid stitch on the baby bedding...something that could be done in 2 days has taken me weeks, can't ever get time to get on with it without having to stop and take someone somewhere or pick them up, feed them or put them to bed......2 weeks, that's all, just 14 days and one flight.........take me away!
( scan pic added but how tiny is that???? Can you even see how beautiful that blobby little person is?)

*added after a nap and some dinner and a chunk of peace and quiet*
What a day it's been. I have been building up to the mother of all panic attacks. House, holiday, car, kids, worry, stress, panic. I saw my lovely doctor today and she increased my night time medicine, in fact she gave me the go ahead to increase it up to four times! The dosage I am on now is very low, chances are it worked so well in the beginning but really isn't enough, also? It's likely that will help my anxiety a lot too. By the time I got to see her, I was about ready to explode, such a week it has been, I always like to keep a check on how I behave when I am out and about, the fear of flying has overwhelmed me for days and today was terrible.....when I tried to explain that 'hey, bit nervous about flying' I think she got the idea that I'm not kidding, as I said the words...." 2 weeks today, holiday......flight......" I was heaving, shaking, there was no hiding that this has become such an issue it is quite frankly ridiculous. She prescribed 8 diazepam, for the flights. I had this once before when I was this scared. I was flying out to Utah with my sister Jane, the first time I had flown in about 12 years. I was terrified, leaving the kids with mum for the first time ever I Was going on a 2 week break with just Jane. I had no idea what had made me agree to it, no idea why I had agreed to it and I was paralysed with fear about it.
My doctor then prescribed exactly the same thing, 8 diazepam. I never took one. I knew I had them which calmed me, I knew that if it all became too much I had them to take. That was enough.
Jane and I boarded the plane, all seemed well, strapped in...off we went...WHOOSH! Jane was so reassuring, patting my arm and saying how brave I was, after about 15 minutes I began to calm down and was more aware of my surroundings.
" Jane!! JANE! Look at my hands."
We both looked down and just howled with laughter because here we are, who knows how high in the air we were, 15 minutes into the flight and somehow, at some stage I had been so scared that I had gripped the legs of my trousers, scrunched the material and pulled, all this time later, I was still grabbing, scrunching and pulling....my knuckles were white and my poor trousers, well you can imagine. I was so comforted by those tablets in my pocket, I told myself that if the oxygen masks dropped at anytime I would swallow all of those happy pills and by the time we hot the ground I probaby wouldn't care! I think I may have to actually take at least one of those pills this time though. I hate feeling this scared of anything, I am so sick of being not in control.
Sophie wants to come back, she wants to stay here, I am so torn. I want her to feel loved and wanted, to be close by and help her begin to get better. I cannot risk going backwards,can't put this family in aposition of being where we were, can't allow her to be in a position where she feels able to manipulate or become the person she was. I feel so sad that she isn't welcome here or with Jordan, heartbroken that she faces such a wall of negativity and being unwanted but this is after years of such aggression, disobedience, hyperactivity and disquiet. She has drained every resource. As I tried to talk to H this evening his face shut off, he has this look that tells me he has put the shutters down, closed his ears off and I would be wasting my time to continue.
She is coming down at the weekend and I am going to have to work with her, finding a job and a place to live. It is NOT going to be easy, she is going to have to be grown up and accept that her days of being dependant are over. She has a job and a place to live and she has chosen to give that up. She can't come back until she has a new job and a new place to live. I can't do it anymore. I cannot be in between her and the world, I can't live the way we used to again. I have seen such a change in her since she left I cannot do anything that could jeopodise that improvement. I am exhausted with it all.
I have got some funny stuff to share but I am all tucker out, pleasantly weary and almost ready to sleep. Tomorrow may be the day for cheery bits and bobs, turkey dinner for 14, some good will and a day of being thankful. Til then, night night.

And sometimes, things are bloody marvellous. Thankyou.

I have had a great morning, one of those that make you feel just maybe life ain't all that bad.
I woke up late ( Yeay!) and H was organised, had the boys up and fed, Isaac ( still the only one in school) ready and excited that he was going on the BUS with daddy to school.
My doctors appt was at 9.45am and so I dropped Seth and Eli at mum's and headed into town. I walked past my favourite curtain/ fabric store and saw they had a ton of beautiful fabric for £1 a Metre. WOW! I bought 10 metres of material that I intend to make some glorious cot bedding with, enough to make for Mel and another set to sell on Ebay ( maybe if I am brave enough). Went to get my blood taken for testing and as I put my shopping bag on the floor noticed that there was a £5 note sitting on the top of my shopping! Not mine ( well it is now!) no idea where it could have come from, except I popped into see Mel at work on my way to the Drs, someone must have dropped the money in her shop and it landed in my bag!
On the way back to the car, there in a charity shop window was a beautiful, pretty much new moses basket..£10. Strike! So, my grandbaby will now have a beautiful moses basket and some pretty nifty, unique ( nothing run of the mill for my blood!) cot bedding.
Mel and Jordan know that if I buy or make anything they don't like or want they just have to tell me to keep it here to use when grandbaby comes a-calling. I am not going to take over and spoil their fun ( no, I am not....will not, must not.)
Oh...OH! Last night a friend came around, she has been asking me to take some pictures of her for a while, so she came and asked if I could do them this next week. She asked how much I wanted for doing this for her and when I said nothing, she said " oh yes, well what I'll do is give you what I was hoping you'd ask" and gave me £50!!! FIFTY QUID! Well that has gone right in a hidey place in my purse and is getting changed into dollars, my spending money for our holiday! I will take a ton of pictures and get them developed for her as well as give her a CD of pics.
Had the blood tests and some will be back on tuesday, others will take 2 weeks as they are special ones that need time, so longer wait for those.
So, this has been a splendid day so far. Marvellous.

Oh darn it....

The scan showed that Mel is only 6 weeks! She must have had the positive test result the day after she conceived! We did see that teeny tiny heart beating, which was such a relief after not seeing a 10 week baby! So sometime in June we think...might turn out to be the longest pregnancy in history! I am still going to be a Nana though......just have to wait a bit longer and try and work out how she has known for 5 weeks that she is baking that little bean.

Lookie LOOK!

See that little box...that's nana's baby in there, watch him / her grow!! Off to the scan now, hope I can get a picture!