That was a day and a half.

And I am incredibly happy it is over!
Sweets and chocolate really don't play much of a part in our house, I know I wax lyrical about chocolate and will admit that I find it delicious beyond description, we don't have much of it at all. The boys have pocketmoney on saturday and buy a smattering of gloop and then open it all up and throw it around, they would much rather have olives and cheese strings, I often wonder if they truly sprang from my loins, truth be told. Offer them cake, they'll take a pickle.
Seth ate his first cake ever last week, with a look of disgusted pride he ate a teeny cupcake and then announced that " YEAY! I did it!" and then told us he probably wouldn't ever do it again. Thankyou.
I am often surprised then, that easter is such a big deal to them. I imagine it is just the sight of all that normally not thought of stuff, thrown in a basket and offered with no limits that sends them loopy. I cancelled mum and Leah's visit for lunch, at 8.30 am because we were already SO drowning in smashed up chocolate, squished in peep like hideousnesses and green paper grass that I knew a) I would never get it cleaned up as well as go to church ( and let's face it, skipping church in THIS day is really pushing your spiritual luck isn't it? Sorry Jesus, glad you died for us and all that but do you mind awfully if I skip worshipping you just for today so my ham doesn't overcook and I can clean this front room? No, didn't seem right to me either)
So, I called and asked if maybe a rather fancy meals on wheels deal which meant good food without the noise and mess that comes part and parcel with our home, didn't sound like a little bit of Heaven on earth.......funny, I didn't have to ask twice!
Not only were we facing devastation of a paper grass and smashed food kind, we were also REALLY looking at some serious sugar highs. Eli had excelled himself, Isaac was pretty impressive, Seth, well he loved opening it all and looking at it but he hadn't eaten more than a bite or two.
Hoorah for morning church, a break in chocolate consumption for a while, until they were handed MORE yes MORE chocolate rabbits and nests and a HUGE cadbury's buttons egg.
Eli ate ham and some more ham and some green beans, the others?? NO ROOM!! NO ROOM MUST EAT ALL THIS SUGAR!! ( twice a year, christmas and easter......the only time they get to just go for the rush, actually is that a bit strange that the 2 times a year they get to stuff out are both celebrating Jesus in some way?)
Isaac and Elijah were overdosed, I am sure of it, not a good thing, we won't go there again in a hurry, the remains of the baskets are going away until saturday when they can eat a bit more, I am a bit traumatised by the way these boys went so crazy......there is no doubt in my mind that kids are really affected by what they eat, mine eat such good stuff usually that any unaccustomed overload is spectacular to see.
Sophie. I did something that was really hard to do as a mother. She came home ( around 7pm) and saw the basket that I had decided was going to my lovely friend....she lit up and said
"oooh, who is THAT for?" I told her it was for Jane and that although I really wanted her to have one too, I couldn't in all honesty do one for her. I told her that while she was choosing NOT to be a part of the family, while she was treating me and this home so poorly, that I couldn't reward her with the treats that come with being a part of our family.
I pointed out that both she and Jordan are continuing to waltz in when they feel like it use what they feel like using, refuse to clean up, not only their own rooms but the pans and plates they use ( Jordan is taking it to the point of daring me to MAKE him wash his dishes.... I am biding my time and then he will SEE that he can push me so far. Nearly there.) Neither of them are showing any level of respect. I asked her if she thought it fair that while they are so unwilling to do anything for me, that they should continue to expect me to do anything for them, given that they are adults and all, as we keep hearing from them.
She was very quiet, I gave her a small box of chocolates and said that I hoped next year I would be able to make her a beautiful basket again.
It is much harder being tough than I would like, I tell myself that I can do it and shrug it all off but it actually hurts to stick it out. Not with the little ones though, I seem to get it that with them, this is a good thing and they are so much better for knowing where they stand..... the big ones though, I hate being so hard on them, I think it's because by now, I thought it would be more fun, that they would have learned the important stuff and I could enjoy them so much more. Not yet, it would seem.
So, the sugarbabies are asleep, twitching and humming I shouldn't wonder...the house is peaceful, Sophie says she is coming home and at a reasonable time that's good.
Dan is coming tomorrow ( I hope, if he doesn't the London trip is a no go) there is a bank holiday boot sale tomorrow, whoopie, I hope we find some bargains! Today it was almost summer like, hot and sunny and glorious. I love the sun!

Long day.

We got up SO early today, thinking that the car boot sales would sure to be running, sunny clear day, beautiful. Off we went, little boys with their pocket money and a list as long as your arm ( how long IS your arm by the way?) of things they were sure to find and buy.

NOTHING!
Empty field. Well botheration.
We drove to a popular park and the boys ran and climbed and played.
All that and when we get home it was only 10.30am. LOOOOOOONG day. Really long day.

Easter baskets are done, Seth has been saying that he wants a toy dog that you heat in the microwave.....hooray! I found some, a dog, bear and monkey. Snuggle toys. They have one each and then delicious chocolate and sweeties. H does the baskets, this year though, I did Sophie's and my sister Leah's.

I wanted them to be beautiful and they are. I wish I could be bothered to take pictures, I know I will wish I had......lazy me.

Sophie's is the most beautiful thing, perched on her bedroom stool amongst a swamp of such grotesque mess the likes of which you may never have seen. OK I may have to go and get a picture because, clever as I am ( as well as humble) I can't adequately describe this room.







I am darned if I am touching it. She comes in, changes, and goes out. She has a friend who is my age ( ??!!!!!) who lets her stay at her home, she has adopted Sophie ( ahhh bless) so, Sophie isn't here much at all these days. She pops in to tell me how great this Tracey is and how she admires how she parents her children...blah blah. I am still sort of numb on the Sophie stuff, the friend goes out on the town with Sophie and then they all go back and ...well who knows? Sophie is an adult, on paper anyway, we're still waiting for evidence that she actually IS an adult in the real sense of the word.
The basket is now OUT of Sophie's room and she might have it when that pig sty is cleaned up. Seems ridiculous to have to treat an 'adult' this way doesn't it?
( edited this morning at 8.30am, had a text at midnight to say she won't be home......what's the point in letting her have the treats when she just can't be bothered to try and be a part of this family?) Seems absurd to leave a beautiful basket in a filthy room, like rewarding her for behaving so poorly isn't it?
So, harsh as it may seem, Sophie won't be getting a basket this year. She isn't willing to join us for any of the family 'bits'. I just can't pretend that this is all OK .
Instead, I will make a beautiful gift for my friend who really deserves a special treat right now.
Here is Leah's basket, I love that white chocolate sheep!




And the boys' baskets...



It's now 1am...better go to bed before they get up and start eating that chocolate!!
Happy Easter everyone!

Friday.

I like fridays. Usually. Today was a good one. It started early, at 2am. Sophie came into our room to say that some creepy men were outside. Scarey.
The fact that she had GONE OUTSIDE TO ASK THEM WHAT THEY WERE DOING!!!! Is so mind blowingly terrifying that maybe we'll skip that bit. That bit where she WENT OUTSIDE IN HER NIGHTCLOTHES ( which consists of knickers and a vest) and walked outside into the VERY DARK ALLEY and said " Excuse me, what are you doing?" to TWO men who were digging in skips that belong to a charity shop. We won't think about that.
Except we will because who, when they admit that they are scared, feels moved to go and ask what they are doing. WHO DOES THAT??? ( apart from Sophie) People in horror movies do that, while we, at home, the sensible, real life ones, sit and scream at the TV..... "DON'T GO OUT THERE YOU STUPID GIRL!!"
Anyway they said they were looking for any good stuff that had been donated. Sad. AM so very glad there wasn't a beautiful big gob girlie person in that skip this morning.
I love guardian angels, Sophie's are so hard working, she must have several, that do shifts. Thankyou Angels.
I also like living here, where people dig in skips at 2am because they want to find some new trousers, not because they are hiding dead bodies and guns and stuff. Devon, I love you. I do, even if does rain here all the damn time.
I think maybe that was a reason just to get me out of my room ( and bed, that I was sleeping so soundly in, zzzzzzzzzz) because she was sad. So sad.
She cracked, first time ever I have seen this girl child of mine show any vulnerability. Crumbled little sobbing thing. We spent an hour or more talking, really talking and she listened. I can't tell how much she heard and if she heard it, chances are she didn't like it because I told her that she isn't going to be happy unless everything changes.
If she doesn't like herself, how can she ask anyone else to like her? If she is always ready for a fight ...she will get one.
If she pushes people away..they will stop trying.
Her dad has been totally useless from day one with her. He has crushed her over and over and she IS crushed. She is and has always been so sad that he doesn't show he loves her. I had to tell her last night that that is heartbreaking and I have shed many tears over it but, it's how it is, nothing will ever make him be a good dad to her, nothing will bring back her childhood and fill it with a loving daddy that cherishes her and gives her what she deserves. What she has to do is learn how to be happy from now on. It's time to leave the past behind and grab everything that the future has for her.
I got to really love her. She believed it, she let me hug her, tight and mean it.
We went shopping today for stuff, birthday stuff for her flat. Pink stuff. Towels and plates and cups, bowls and spoons. ALL PINK! She wanted to be depressed that this was her birthday loot, but she likes it.
There will be more and it will be fluffy stuff, that will be a surprise for her. I just wanted to grab the chance to spend time with her while the going was good and also to try and get her a bit excited about her birthday. She feels that the only man she could rely on was papa, now he left her too, on her birthday. Try and make THAT better.

Jordan is working on finding a place too. Hell. Imagine.
He is in love and she is sweet and because she can't stay here, he stays where she is. Blimey, they really did get the message and life here is so much better when people do as we ask.
His job is going well and he is growing up, not drinking and saving money ...... Hell. Imagine. Thank heavens for something to breathe and not have to think too hard about.

Dancing class tomorrow.
I love saturdays.

Wish me ( us) luck. UPDATE.

So yesterday, I went to see the doctor, not MY doctor that I am registered with, that Sophie saw, because actually, he always appears so disinterested and bored, but the lovely doctor that I always try and see. I sat with her and told her everything about this past week. The grest news is, apparantly I have told her several times about our woes with the girl child, lamenting often and in detail about her shininigans and the reactions she has provoked. Hoorah for being a tell tale whiny sort of person who can't keep her mouth shut ( yeay ME!!) Also, her many visits with unexplained bruising. Phew.
The lovely Doctor said that if I can get Sophie in to see her, she will immediately refer to her to a neurologist, order testing to see if the areas in her brain that were evidently damaged that caused her epilepsy as a child are still proving to cause trouble. Whetever, she said that it is plain to see that Sophie has some kind of problem that must not be left alone any longer.
Sophie and I are going at 5pm tonight. I talked her into it by saying that a) she isn't happy like this. b) no-one is happy with her being like this c) she will never find her life is improving while she keeps doing what she is doing and as beautiful as she is, there are very few gorgeous boys who will be willing to risk being on the receiving end of her outbursts or unpredictable behaviour.
I also said that when she was little, until we left for the states her behaviour and such was deemed disabling enough for her to receive large amounts of govt money.
DING DING!!
If this should be proven that once again ( 0r still) her brain is making her do things that she otherwise might not do, she will get more help, faster help and she could even get some money. Make the appointment mother.
She needed reassurance that she wouldn't end up in a home with a red button necklace waiting for some burly man in a white coat to take her in a mini bus for a day trip to the zoo, that she would still be encouraged to live an independant life, in a lovely flat of her own with beautiful dresser ( that she doesn't know about because it is for her birthday and is a SURPRISE!!) and shiny saucepan.
I am doing this one day at a time because I have the horrible feeling that if drugs ( of a prescribed and not cool nature) or councilling are mentioned, well she may run for the hills and say, in the way she does so well. NO.
So, wish us luck today. First things first.
Oh, while at the doctors yesterday, I had a chat and catch up about my ( sorry if we have mixed company) hideous periods and increasing misery each month. Fibroids are in my beautiful and youthful womb, they will get bigger and cause more trouble and we are done making babies ( that turn into teenagers however divine they may be when first born) I only have to give the nod and we can whip that old womb out and be done with it all. I rather fancy that whole idea, especially as it would mean what would pass for a HOLIDAY with ROOM SERVICE and sleeping drugs and visitors with flowers.
I am leaving my decision for later, I shall drag it out and mull it over on those days when a break is like a blessed dream. I shall imagine not needing a calendar or hot water bottles or industrial size packets of industrial size pads every month. I shall hug that idea of a holiday to my weary bosom and not think about pain or being barren or early menopause or any of that stuff because we all need a little happy place to take ourselves don't we?

After the doctors visit.

It went well, I think. She behaved dreadfully at first, slouching and making rude hand gestures while talking about H. When I pointed out that she was being disrespectful to H but also to the doctor and herself and asked her if she thought what she had just done had made her look clever or funny to anyone in that room, asked her to sit up and we'd start again.
She argued with me about several things and then, she sat slumped, but quiet while we chated etc.
I left the room so she would feel more able to talk about how she feels and I tried not to listen. I did hear her say that she feels so angry all the time, that sometimes, she just wants to make other people feel just some of how she feels.
She is sad and has agreed to go to councilling, it remains to be seen whether she sticks with it when the going gets tough, because it IS a tough thing to go through.
She has been referred to a neurologist who will decide of further investigation is necessary. She says that she does find her mind blanking out but that could be depression.
She is having tests for thyroid deficiency.
She admitted that she has taken drugs, used to smoke pot but hasn't since last year. Please let THAT be the truth because with a brain already damaged she doesn't need anything that will mess with it anymore.

CHANGE OF SUBJECT AND A 'PLEASE'......




Beautiful Cobi, who is 11 days old, has been in hospital for 3 days with chest and breathing troubles. Tonight he has been rushed to another hospital 100 miles away, on a ventilator because the doctors just can't seem to make him well. He is so tiny and new. Please pray with us that he will grow and get better. Thankyou.