As clear as mud.

The landlord is sending an Estate agent here tomorrow to value the house, we were supposed to leave here on Friday and oh, how I wish we had. The agents called and said that they had received  my email telling them that we had, as yet been unable to find alternative housing and that the Landlord was disappointed to hear that. Shame, my heart bleeds for him, imagine the trauma of having tenants who are still in your property, paying rent and cleaning it. He was so kind and said ( via the rental agents naturally) that he will not take further action as long as we understand that this is not an open invitation to stay indefinitely. He wants an update in a couple of weeks and if we are still here he will have no option but to take matters further.
My care is still broken which is handy in this case.
I am pottering, the house looks as though something is going on, pictures are down and some are packed, the rest are piled up waiting for the fairies to bring boxes. Ornaments are packed, apart from the ones I forgot to pack.
I have sorted through clothes and taken piles to the recycling centre, our bedroom doesn't look any different but it is actually pretty much packed up, apart from the stuff that isn't packed up, which is most of it.
I am so organised I'm meeting myself  coming home, before I've even gone out.
The thinking I have done about packing and getting this house ready to give back is impressive, I am convinced that when the time comes I can put into action all the plans I have made and it will run like a well oiled machine, it will be effortless.
The kitchen really looks good. There is a big fan in there that has been moved from somewhere else and whenever I walk into the kitchen and see it, I know we are getting ready to move and that fan will either be coming with us, or not.
We have been eating the food from the pantry to save money and also to get rid of it so we don't have to pack that and take it. Have you ever read 'The magic porridge pot'?  Good heavens our pantry is like that. We are ploughing through it and it is staying as full as it ever was. It is a marvellous work and also a wonder because I knew it was a great pantry but ye gads will we ever use it up? I suspect there will still be an awful lot of packing and moving of food stuffs when we leave here. Even though we have ALL THIS FOOD we all seem to stand in the kitchen and stare at it wondering what on earth we can eat and wishing we could just have Fish and Chips because NO MORE PASTA AND SAUCE FOR THE LOVE OF STORE CUPBOARDS!
I am sort of scrubbing as I go along, which is testament to marvellous drugs  ( prescription only of course) I want to say that there is no change despite the new meds because I still have several gulping and panic stricken moments a day and one huge one every night but there are noticeable differences. Yesterday I saw how dirty the kitchen floor was by the back door and I CLEANED IT. Right there and then, I actually swept and sprayed and cleaned and then looked at it and thought "that's better"
That may sound unremarkable to most people but to me, it is a glorious and miraculous thing. I cannot remember the last time I did anything like that.
 I have looked and seen dirt and mess and I stare at it and then walk away because 'what is the point?' I could clean it and some bugger will come along and undo it all withing 20 minutes, guaranteed. I will think about the mess that I saw and be completely overwhelmed by how exhausting it would be to clean it and then feel shame that I can see it and leave it and so then I will plan when I will clean it, eventually, I will half heartedly and extremely grumplily bloody well do it because no-one else will, will they? Nope, it's always left to me and THERE it's clean. Ish. It'll do.
Most evenings, when everyone has gone to bed I will stare at this room and sigh, it can be a nice room, albeit small and cluttered. I will tidy it and pick up toys and I'll put them on the stairs ready to take up when I go up, then I will walk past them for days until Eli just brings them back in here anyway.

I started this post a week ago, so that shows just how great those meds are doing! Heh. Bloody hopeless.
Sloth. I am a sloth, with the energy of slug.
I did ask H yesterday if he has noticed a change in me this past 2 weeks, since being on the new meds and he said he rather liked that cleaning I did last week. It was a glimpse of how I used to be, apparantly. I don't think I'll be getting taken for granted any time soon, so that's good.
I picked up some boxes to pack more stuff today, they're all staring at me from the back yard, if it rains tonight we'll be unstuck, I may move them inside the workshed, just in case. I shall be thinking of what I can pack in them in the meantime, this thinking about moving is positively exhausting I tell you.

It's Joshua's 3rd birthday tomorrow, dear Josh. I have managed to get his birthday presents together which has impressed even me, they are even at his house so he can have them when he wakes up, the boys are back at school tomorrow and so it's anyone's guess when I will get to see the birthday boy. Oh, even the smallest thing is so HARD, so overwhelmingly steep.
Lola is due any day. A granddaughter. She is already such a light in the darkness, such a hope and thing of joy, something to look forward to and already, even before she is born she has done so much for me and my grumpy, slothful self.
Mel's mum is in Turkey, she lives there and is supposed to be moving back here at the end of the summer, enough about her, the only reason I mention her is because as she isn't here, I am being the mother. I love this daughter in law of mine and I don't think I could love her more if I had given birth to her, she is the sweetest of girls and I know she makes Jordan happy, they are glorious together and a joy to see as a family.
The pregnancy is not fun for Mel anymore, she is having all kinds of signs that birth is imminent, shows and pains and more show and more pain, contractions and no contractions and rarely a day goes by that I am not down there keeping her company or taking her out, driving her to the hospital, sitting with her while she waits for the midwives and every time I do that, I feel closer to her. Every time she calls or texts or sends a message on Facebook, I feel less like her mother in law and more like her mum.
I am beyond excited that she wants me there when Lola is born. Watching Joshua being born  3 years ago tomorrow was such a blessing, something that I will always remember. I have given birth 6 times and so none of the mechanics of it was a surprise but I have never been an 'outsider,' a witness before and it truly is a miracle. Oh, I am so excited to see Lola being born and to know that she is a part of this lovely family. There is an enormous sense of greatness to be the Matriarch of this family, to be the 'old' one.  I don't mind getting older at all, the treasure that comes with age is so much more valuable to anything that we think is important when we are young.

I really hope that this sadness I have inside is not being passed on to any of my children, or their children. I am trying so hard to keep going, to keep being who I am to them all and not allow this awful sense of heaviness to show. I think that's why I am so tired, so bone achingly tired.

Next week we have a pediatrician's appointment for Isaac, my GP is concerned that since his initial diagnosis we haven't seen anyone, have had no support and indeed, have managed to limp along working it all out for ourselves. Now he is nearly 10 we are seeing things that we may need more help with, he has gone from being the most placid of children to being quite volatile, his anxieties are affecting him more because he is older and is aware that his reluctance to try new things makes him noticeable, he hates not being able to just go with the flow and really hates the fact that he stands out when he is hiding or unable to do what his classmates are doing effortlessly.
Seth has 6 weeks left at primary school and so we are already preparing for his starting at Senior school in September, this has Isaac feeling very nervous as he will be in year 6 in September and knows that this is the year he will prepare for this huge move. This is another reason we are going back to the pediatrician, so that we can have a more up to date diagnosis and get help and support for Isaac to help him when he needs it.
I've flipped from one topic to another in this post, sorry about that, welcome to my head. I think I have made my thoughts as clear as they come to me, which is in a muddy kind of landslide kind of way. Clear as mud. You're welcome.