some more....

So, it's sunday.....I love sundays, Howard takes the 3 little boys to church for 3 hours and this is MY time, usually I run home after dropping them off and making sure dinner is in the oven I go back to bed......glorious, peaceful daytime sleep, can you beat it? No little boys with lead feet jumping off couches, no babies yowling like a whole pack of wolves because they know mummy is just behind that door and she can't stand to hear crying and is totally incapable of ignoring it. Still a 16 year old in the house but even she knows that unless the house is on fire or she is near death she had better NOT make a sound until 12.30. I love this time, it is what keeps me sane throughout the week.....I am I think, too easily pleased!!
Of course I used to go to church and loved to go...not so much fun taking 3 little people as I spent more time in the hallways than in any meetings but there we are, such is life. I don't go now and a huge part of me misses it, I liked believing so strongly that I was following Gods plan and was somehow on my way to eternal glory....now I don't have that surity anymore and that's sad but not the end of my world as I know that somewhere the answers to my questions are there, I just have to find them.
My son is gay...my divine Daniel who is my first born and my heart. He is in every way, to me, perfect, he is beautiful, kind, funny, honest, loving, he has an abundance of compassion and I have yet to meet a single person who isn't a better or happier person from just meeting my boy. So he's gay, so what? Well of course, as a mother that means a worry that he will face all those prejudices and threats that ignorance and bigotry could throw at him but to my joy, so far he hasn't encountered any of these negative and frightening emotions......perhaps because he is who he is and just to be with him is to feel positive and cheered.
As a God loving and Mormon raised mother this means all kinds of more terrifying and puzzling emotions and thoughts....will god, who I have loved and honoured all my life, cast out my son? How can He when I KNOW he is loving, I KNOW he made my boy just the way he is...just as he made him with blue eyes and brown hair he made him like this....why then...why if he made him like this would He then say " you can't come home" why would He make my son ( and so many others ) feel this way and be this way and then say if they act on it they are sinners and lost forever? I can't believe it.....how can one aspect of a persons life make it that they can't receive the glory they deserve if they are good people, loving people?
OF course if this aspect has me questioning my very beliefs it means that perhaps other things I felt were true may not be either.
Funny how so many things haven't even made a dent in my faith but this has blown it sky high....there will be many who say that this must be satan winning the fight to divert me from the path of righteousness, hmmmm, I doubt it.
I still have an overwhelming belief in God, I like to think that's rock solid, it's just how I should believe that has me stumped for now.
Let me tell you about my children.....I already spoke about Dan who is almost 20...TWENTY!? How did that happen? I still feel about 26 myself so how I am a mother to a grown man is a constant suprise to me! He has always been my friend, kind and thoughtful and just my pride and joy, he lives about 200 miles away and is a head waiter and relief manager at a restaurant in Bath.
Jordan, this boy is hysterical, quick with a joke, kind and generous to a fault and sometimes a mystery to me. He is TOOO TALL at 6' 5" and still growing, skinny as a rake and very very funny, wherever he is there is laughter and so he is popular, I like that. He is 17 and is a chef ( a good one I'm told but needless to say he doesn't cook at home...in fact he's rarely AT home, he works unbelievably long hours and sleeps when he isn't working.
Sophie..oh my Sophie....16 but not terribly sweet! She is feisty and she can argue that black is white...she is quite glorious and is remarkably confident, she has no inhibitions when it comes to her body ( heaven help us all) and I seem to spend my life wincing at what she is wearing ( or not wearing) how I long for the day when she works out that sometimes leaving something to the imagination is a GOOD thing. How did this child of mine ever get such confidence? Not from me, I've hidden underneath a rock for as long as I can remember, how sad that even when I had a great body I didn't realise it ! every now and then I see a glimmer of hope that Sophie and I will be close, I know actually that she loves me but my goodness loving her and being her mum has been such a hard slog almost since the word go! I swear her first words were " I'll do it myself" and that was quickly followed by " and my way thankyou very much".
Seth....the Seth Meister, 4 years old with a brain of a 70 year old professor, totally eccentric, this boy will keep me guessing for ever I suspect....where do his thoughts come from? What would make a 4 year old say " hmmm, I think that a chameleon should be in the primate family as it has thumbs?" He knows things without anyone having told him them, he understands things way too old for his little brain...but hasn't a jot of common sense! I see him in 50 years time puddling along in a bizarre array of clothes, hair all over the place reading some theory book or other surrounded by a veritable zoo of curious creatures and not a person in sight...it is suspected that Seth has aspergers syndrome, I wouldn't be even remotely suprised....we aren't pushing for a diagnosis as he is so gloriously oblivious to any kind of problem, totally happy in his little world, delightful to be with and delighted to be around pretty much anyone apart from Sophie who drives him nearly demented.....of course she is the very person he asks for when she isn't in his face!
My Isaac....3 years old and again his own man. He is somehow so delicious, completely divine in every way, huge brown eyes and dark skin.....a man of few words is Isaac and a joy to parent. He started nursery in January and we were totally stunned to be told that to them he seems to have a huge array of problems.....he has always been a breeze to look after, doesn't like people he doesn't know much and we thought that wasn't a problem, he has a fantastic memory, is fabulous at remembering where things go, is particular about his clothes and will wear the same outfit every day for months ( washed, of course, while he sleeps) He doesn't talk much, can't talk actually, I knew this and had various theories but didn't worry too much as he is so self sufficient, in a house full of people demanding things and talking AT me all day it is actually a joy to have a littl eperson who does things for himself and if needs be signs or points.....he says odd words and we have been fine, my Isaac, daddy and I. Ahh but the time has come for my Isaac to be out in that mean old world, where he should be just like other people and at nursery he should talk and join in, play with children and be 'the same' but he can't you see because it seems my Isaac is autistic. PROBLEMS....coming at me from every angle, not so many years ago a 3 year old would still be in long frocks, in the nursery and having the gentlest of peaceful ives, these days its all Reebok trainers and Mac donalds parties, which is horrifying for my Isaac, Parties? with CHILDREN? Yikes.....he covers his ears and says in his own little words " too much mummy" He likes parties at gramma's, he can eat his food and be left alone at gramma's. The fact that Isaac remembers where the jaggety scissors came from and hangs them back on the right hook is a problem at nursery, it means an obsession I'm told. Very worrysome that he hates the messy stuff, recoils in horror at playdough, sand, water play and painting....and that scarey painting apron is the very devil, show it to him and he puts hands up and screws his face in terror " No me No me" Now forgive me if I sound flippant when I say that in my house Isaac is my hero.....if putting things back where they came from is a problem...bring it on baby! If being quite is a worry then may I have some more please sir? Of course at home he is a different boy, he IS noisy, he IS messy and rarely puts ANYTHING away! Yeah right, that'd be my luck wouldn't it?

Elijah Henry, 'the boy' The baby people were horrified I was having, the ' not another one, what are you thinking' boy...my total joy. From the moment I knew he was on his way I loved him, I knew him, I needed him. He was born 21 months ago and has been a delight from the moment he arrived, he is a bit wicked and is learning every trick his brothers show him and working some new ones out for himself. He is delicious, dark dark brown puppy dog eyes, a mass of dark hair and beautiful dark skin...the goofiest, cheekiest teeth and a grin from ear to ear....he is my last baby and he is truly perfect. I am splendid, my tired old body has produced six of the best. Clever me.