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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Bring it on, just be gentle.

Oh, Hi! Hello! It's me. ME, the actual me. The one I used to be, back in the day when I could think and see things, when I could discern real from unreal, when things were hilarious and boring, sad and ordinary. All those different emotions in one, who knew how great they were, way back when I took them all for granted. When I would walk through town as though this was something everyone did, wandering in and out of shops without digging my fingers until they bled.
I'm back. Like some kind of glorious and unexpected miracle, by the power of medicinal marvellousness I am here. 
Thank you Lord and Doctor R.
I have been ridiculously thrilled by things like being able to walk around a supermarket and look at what the shelves hold.
Walking from a car park to shops without a master plan of where to go, what to buy and how quickly I can retreat to the safety of my car again.
Waking up and realising that this feeling I have is a good mood, right from the get go, first thing in the morning, really...just like that!
Nothing else has changed, we still don't have anywhere to live, we still have no idea where we will be this time next month or the month after but now that is, as is should be, a worry that we will deal with when we need to, as we learn we have to leave this one, we'll deal with where we will go.
Actually, something has changed. Elijah is headed back to school and oh I had no idea how worried I was about homeschooling him until he said he wanted to go back  to school and H agreed. I loved having him  home for the first 9 months, then it seemed we got tired of each other's company all day every day. I am not a teacher, I never said I was a teacher, I never wanted to be a teacher and suddenly, I was a teacher. H did a lot of the homeschooling to start with and then I realised he was spending less time as a teacher/dad and I stepped in, between us we did a good job with what we have and having checked out how a few other homeschoolers do it, I think we did a really good job.
* Startling generalisation ahead*
I have had a bit of a mental image of people who home school, crunchy is the main descriptive word that springs to mind, all home baked goods and long knotty hair, mismatched stripey socks and a fierce determination that precious babies should never be made to do anything that makes them unhappy.
I am so not one of those people but never mind, we were up for this! Eli was sad at school and we had to take him out and teach him at home, build his confidence, teach him how to learn and we did that. I will admit that as time passed I became more grumpy about it and H became less enthusiastic about it and Elijah most definitely became less attentive, happy, co-operative and nice. Oh he so forgot nice, my Eli the nicest of nice children, that smiley little chap who buffoons his way through the day was a feisty little door kicker.
He didn't like Seth and he was cross at his used to be best friend Isaac, he has kicked and thrown and wobbled and sighed and none of us has had any fun for a few weeks.
I like my own company, I used to be happy just going out and doing whatever I felt like doing, meeting friends, not meeting friends, shopping or driving or just being here reading and cleaning.
I lost that, I had this little boy here who needed his day filled with not just company and fun but IMPORTANT stuff, learning stuff, informative and developing stuff and the responsibility of that is HUGE. I wasn't worried particularly about the here and now, that was working, he is reading and writing and learning times tables, he was making and building, going with H to the allotment and making Cob walls, like they used to back in the day. He was digging and planting and climbing and running, we have been to the zoo and the moors, the airport and the beach. We have looked at and learned and written and remembered, charted and journalled and all was fine. For now.
I couldn't help but keep creeping into the future and as we prepare Seth for the grammar school in September, as we watch his excitement and begin Isaac's  preparations for the same journey, I would look at the little boy left here with us and wonder 'what about him?' He is so different to Seth and Isaac, I can't imagine him ever going to a grammar school, that's not a 'he's not as smart' comment, it's a mother knowing her child. He is more like Dan and Jordan and I imagine that he will be like them and decide what he wants to do and then go for it, do what needs doing and do it beautifully.
Whether he goes to the grammar school or not isn't the point, what worried me was doing something that would scupper his chance to choose.
So the other day, when Isaac was poorly and had the day home from school, he and Eli were inseparable all day, just like old times, at 2 o'clock in the afternoon Eli said, as he leaned against Isaac "What am I feeling? Oh, I know. I'm not lonely sometimes, I am lonely ALL the time...would it be a happy thing to go back to school?"
YES! Yes it would indeed!

Eli has been a delightful happy chappy ever since, he has a great teacher next year and is thrilled that he will be in Alfie's class. I can't help but think of the time H and I will have to do the things we like to do. To clean the house and have it stay that way for 6 hours, to hand over all that responsibility of schedules and lesson plans, of projects and plans to the teachers and to go back to being the supporter in all that stuff.
I may be so excited that I have already bought his school uniform!
Excited....did you read that? Excited, how long since I had any emotion other than sadness or fear? I am so grateful to feel better, I don't even care that meds are to thank, just the fact that I feel better, that I can think clearly again and see there is hope and all is not bleak. I felt as though I was walking under filthy water, thick, dirty, stagnant water. I love being back in the fresh air and being able to hold my head up again.
Now I can get on and do what needs doing. I just hope the universe is kind to me..... bring on the good stuff. Please.  


Blogger whatdebloves said...

Helen, this is so lovely to read.
You've done a great job, stepping in when it was needed, putting your child's needs first, and then releasing him back into school life when he was ready and eager again.
I'm glad you're feeling happy...let's get together and go a-mooching soon. x

1:11 pm  

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