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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Saturday, August 08, 2009

It's a fact.

The following facts are fascinating to me...possibly not for you, I shall endeavor to make the recording of these facts more interesting but apologies in advance if I don't manage to do that.
In the past 12 months, 20,081 visits have been recorded on this blog. Now, I would love to say 20,081 people have been here, reading my every fascinating word but alas, t'is not so. Some people come back, often, some even in an almost stalker like way ( so flattering!) like 3 or 4 times a day and while I will say that sometimes I have been known to record pretty gripping stuff on this blog, I have to admit that I can't remember ever writing anything that fascinating.
Those 20,081 visits are from 74 different countries / territories. I write countries / territories because that's what Google says, don't ask me what determines what might constitute a country vs a territory because I don't know.
America wins, it has to be said. 11,419 visits from America, how I love you. California wins with 1,170 visits, I suspect that could be because I lived there, perhaps California misses me, I miss the sunshine of California and Target, grandpa and his next door neighbour, Marilyn. I loved the fact that Disneyland was a day out, Sea world a longer trip but still possible in a day ( we did that once, with 2 little boys and a grandpa, in our van, the old white van with no seats, I say no seats, when we got it it had only 2 front seats and then we put a bench seat in the back with the car seats on, anyone else choosing to travel with us would either sit on the floor or on a garden chair, we were so classy and also poor.) We had a glorious day at sea world, it could be one of my most favourite and memorable day trips, the fact that on the way home the engine fell out of the van makes it particularly memorable. One minute we were driving and H said "Hmmm, that sounds kinda weird" and the next CLUNK......GRIIIIIIIIIND and we stopped, thankfully in a parking lot, as H heard that ominous sound he had the foresight to pull into the car park of a hotel. On inspection we saw that the van was very dead, with it's engine on the ground, laughing at us. I hated that van, I laughed back and said, laugh all you like you pile of poop, we're just going to leave you here, see how funny you find it when you get towed away and crushed, laugh then crap-heap.
So, perhaps California is visiting the most to let me know that if I ever came back I could live in one of those houses we see in the movies with a nice car and straight white teeth and also be a size 4, who knows, won't ever get a chance to find out because I am pretty much certain that lottery win aside we won't ever live there again, you had your chance California, sorry you blew it.
Massachusetts is next ( Hi Cathy, Di, Sara, Colleen, I see you , you think you can pop in quietly but I know you love me! )
Canada is next with 4,413 visits. Glorious Canada with your Kraft peanut butter and your very slow postal service. I shall visit you one day, I promise.
So many visits from so many people. 3,017 visits from England, bless your hearts, 1,060 of those are from my home town, which freaks me out a little bit, I'm not known for being reserved on this blog and I often saunter through the town and wonder if that person knows I have to pluck my chin hair.
There are times when I actually pull myself back and stop myself writing things I really want to write because, well it sort of matters when you know that there are people who actually know you and might look at you askance in Tescos or even at church ( good grief) I forget who reads my blog, I went through a phase of handing out the address willy nilly, so narcissistic was I. I think more carefully these days but the damage might well have been done and there are people who know my darkest most inner secrets...whoops.
If several people live in the same area, then it's anyone guess who those people are, no matter, you read my blog, you're probably glorious, or mentally unhinged ( in which case I get you, feel at home, we're used to the unhinged around here) or a stalker ( 3-4 visits a day gets you that category, that's not healthy..go play with your kids or watch Diagnosis murder or something, there's nothing going on here that warrants that amount of obsessive refreshing, if you blocked me from reading YOUR blog and yet come here that many times a day, see your doctor, that's worrying.)
Also worrying are some of the things that people google before finding themselves sent here, some worrying, others hysterical.

' Do you gaze at your bald head and wish you had hair?' You probably should give up on that, it's gone, embrace the baldness.

' Am I ready to be a mother?' Oh darlin' I am sorry, if you googled that and got sent here I suspect you left feeling that you will never be ready for that.

'Pooh and wee song' Really? I don't know any of those, I could probably make one up that would make you smile, I would test in on my little people first, if it makes them laugh, you'll love it.

In fact there were a worrying amount of googlings for bum, pooh, willy and wee. ( now of course a new batch of infantile googlers will be sent straight here, to them I say " I can SEE you and I am going to tell your MOTHER! Get off the computer and read an Enid Blyton book. Go on! NOW, also wash your head out with hot soapy water. )

'Not impetigo', which is great, no-one likes Impetigo but if you have a sore, that is itching, scabby and weeping and you are googling what it could be, if it's not impetigo, go and see your doctor because it's not looking good.

'Bosoomers' for real! That actual word! Heh! Here's a fact about Bosoomers, I bought Sophie some new bras, M & S had a super sale and their splendid T shirt Bras were down to £1!! 34E.
34 E, yep now you googling perverts, them is BASOOMERS!

'Helen diet.com secret.' Yikes, the secret of my diet is that it doesn't work, not if you want to be thin. Try weight watchers, it's for the best.

'How can someone say they love you and then just walk away' Oh I never understood that either, they're liars, be glad they left, find a nice one that shows you they love you, words can be cheap.

'How much snot can a human body make in one day?' WHAT? How do I know? I can't even begin to think why anyone would want to know that. Gag.

' Noisy knickers' Oh now, that's getting personal now. My knickers don't make a sound.

'Exercise really hurts' It does, don't do it. No pain no gain, I don't want to gain, I want to lose, so I certainly won't be exercising.

'Not broken' Very good, whatever you do, don't fix it.

'Mist of misery' Oh dear. Did I cheer you at all? I do hope so.

'sugar free, worst gas farts' I might take offence at someone being sent here having googled that, I deny it wholefartedly.

' You are fatter' Cheeky git.

'70 year old hairy granny' shut up.

'Dear God, I want a boyfriend who tells me I am beautiful, even if I am wearing pyjamas' Hmm, I don't think God reads my blog, also sure he doesn't answer prayers via google. I do wish you all the best in your search though. Bless your heart.


'Feel really ill and something fleshy looking fell in the toilet' For the love of .....GO TO HOSPITAL get off the computer.

'Girls bum and willey' Um, I don't think girls have a willey. They have a tuppence. Off you go.

'Hemorrhoids anger' Yes, I heard that. Also, hurt.

Oh google, how you make me laugh ( and also recoil in horror because there are some seriously deranged people out there and the fact that they get sent HERE after googling such sickness is shudderingly creepy, luckily I see that they got here, were disappointed and never came back again. Phew. Creeps.)
So there we have it, some facts and figures courtesy of Google analytics, I thank you.
Feel free to out yourself so I can see who my 20, 081 hitters are ( unless you are a pervert, you can stay anonymous in your dingy back bedroom )
Thankyou for coming here lovely people.

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9 Comments:

Anonymous KatieC said...

Hi, my name is Katie and I am following you through my google reader. I'm in Cork, Southern Ireland and enjoy your writing. Keep it up missus!!
Take Care,
KatieC

9:27 pm  
Blogger Colleen said...

Love ya Helen!

11:51 pm  
Blogger Ms. Sarah said...

you crack me up. I love your wit. I also love your honesty!

How do you know what has been searched?I am still trying to figure that one out lol

3:24 am  
Blogger Julie Q said...

:) I love you Helen!

Michigan not on there? Perhaps I'm busy. I will try and get my numbers up! ;) he he

11:38 am  
Blogger Sara said...

I wish I had a stalker... ;O)

But oh so glad to have my waffles instead. xoxo

11:40 am  
Blogger justLacey said...

Sara you have Greg, that's kind of a stalker.
Can you see me in Florida?

2:55 pm  
Anonymous Gemma said...

I come by every couple of days, I could probably just pop round but eh exercise is over rated!! Sometimes i click on your link instead of the one I meant to..I am probably accountable for and extra hundred from said hometown!
Oh and those bits from google at the end actually made me LOL doesn't happen very often! Especially the 'something fleshy' one! Oh and 70 year old hairy granny! :D

7:30 pm  
Anonymous Sue (Richmonder1) said...

Has Virginia registered on your analytics yet?? Well, I just started to read your blog... I aspire to get to "stalker" status :)

7:32 pm  
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