Children, my children.

I've been having strange thoughts lately, thankfully ones I can do nothing about but surprising and sad in a way.
I wish I had more children.
There, I said it.
If I had known just how fabulous it was going to be to a mother to adults, really great, grown up people who make me laugh and cry, feel proud and so incredibly fulfilled, I would have had many more. Actually, now I have said that I should change it to I would have liked to have many more. In fact, it wasn't possible for me to actually HAVE many more, unless I had more after Elijah, I was 41 when he was born so how plausible that plan is, I can't say.
The first one left when Sophie was 10 weeks old. I was single until I met H 10 years later.
I conceived Seth the day I married H, Isaac was conceived when Seth was 9 or 10 weeks old. I suppose I could have had another baby in between Isaac and Eli and I did in fact conceive another baby, who sadly didn't develop past 10 weeks.
I never grieved the 2 babies I lost because both time, because both times I conceived within 2 weeks of losing them, so it just felt as though I was pregnant for 12 months instead of 9.
I have been feeling sad about the last baby I lost. I keep wondering who that was and what kind of person s/he might have been.
I wish H and I had been able to have a girl because I am so vain about my children and oh how beautiful would a baby girl have been with that olive skin and dark eyes.
I am watching these boys grow before my eyes. Seth is looking like a little man, his shoulders are broadening, his walk is starting to become a swagger, I am fascinated as I watch him interact with his school friends. Seth doesn't play, in fact I can't say I have ever seen him play, apart from very brief moments where he seems to want to be like Isaac and Eli and he will sit on the floor with the Disney Pixar cars and push one or two around before he gives up on that and he takes his and lines them up, so he can look at them and count how many he has.
He runs and he plays sports, he sticks with the rules and he is very, very serious about things being done 'right'.
His room looks like a teenagers, he is precise about where things go, he has many photographs in his room and they are all of him, other people might be with him but the main focus of all pictures is Seth.
He has sports memorabilia, much of it still in the wrappers. He has Lizard and he has many, many soft toys. I am always surprised by how much Seth loves soft toys, he adores them, mostly stuffed animals and we have encouraged that because it is pretty much the only time he shows any kind of softness. I asked him today if he loved me and his reply was " not that much" when I asked him to be serious he said " I am, I do love you but just not *that* much, it's not like I'd give you my spine or anything"
" I told him I would remember that when I was buying presents in Boston and told him with the utmost sincerity that I would give HIM a kidney if he needed it, so think on THAT Mr Not that much." "Lovely, I would give it right back if you discovered that you needed it after all, I might even give YOU a lung if you needed one, I have 2 of them and if I DID give you a lung, I might die, so I suppose I love you*that* much"
He is indescribably funny, exceptionally quick for example, we have been teaching them the value of money, he gets that, he saves his money, he has a money jar ..as do all 3 boys and he has more money than anyone else, he even found an ugly keyring with a $ sign and it hangs from his money jar, he does not spend his money, he saves it with a specific purpose in mind and he isn't swayed by ice cream vans, car boot sales, pixar cars in the toy shop, he knows what he is saving for. Isaac can't save money to save his life, he earns it, he spends it, he even gives it away, he can't save it. Eli is a middle of the road man, he will earn £2 he spends £1. When the boys ask for anything our answer is always either " On saturday when you get your pocket money, you can certainly buy that, if you choose" or " well, if you earn and save by X,Y,Z you will have enough to buy that"
Most days, one or the other of us will say " You can save for that" " Yep, save up, you can get that"
Today I saw a fleeting glimpse of THIS BEAUTY and I looked over at H and said " OH! PLEASE can I have one of those?" and the little git beside me said " Yep, save up for it"
HE never misses a beat.
Isaac, my Isaac. What a star this boy is, he delights me every day, he is quite frankly the most splendid of people. He has so many quirks and I adore pretty much all of them. When we were out shopping the other day, he found a Marks and Spencer's trolley ( cart) at ASDA! Oh the joy, the absolute unadulterated glee, in such a thing. He grabbed that trolley and he pushed it to the store, he wanted to know if anyone would notice he had a M & S trolley in ASDA?! We got the the door and he froze because, probably, if he pushed that trolley into the shop, if the wheels went past the entrance, well what would happen? He couldn't do it, he pushed it in to the trolley bay and he got an Asda one. Phew.
After school yesterday he ran to me with his best friend, who is huge, Isaac comes up to his elbow, they were animated and asked if Isaac could go home with Jamie after school today, COULD HE? Yes?? Please? Well of course I said yes and I spoke with Jamie's mum and arranged that he go home with them after school today.
Eli went home with naughty Nathan ( who is still his best friend even though they were separated and put into different classes because they are NAUGHTY together) and I just had to collect Seth and Harry, how is Seth's best friend.
Waiting by the gate we saw Isaac come out, with Jamie and his grandma, they came over to say hello and Isaac was happy to go with them ( I tend to stand and gawp when he does something new and HUGE and so important) and as thy went to cross the road, Jamie's Grandma said " Come on then Isaac, hold my hand" He gets the same look on his face when someone asks to touch him as H gets if I cry, it's that deer in a headlight kind of OH SWEET PANIC NOW WHAT??! look. Jamie, who is 8, said, "It's OK grandma, Isaac can hold MY hand" Because he is Isaac's best friend, for real and he has watched Isaac at school since he was a terrified 4 year old under a yellow blanket, as a 5 year old who stood silently watching all the fun that is school, as a whispering 6 year old who wouldn't wear P.E kits or touch paint, as a 7 year old who would lead other children to where THEY should be when there was an assembly and watched him as he won a race in sports day. He knows Isaac and in that perfect way that only children and the very best adults do, he instinctively did what he knew Isaac needed, he probably didn't even have to think about it, he knew that Isaac would never hold grandma's hand but might just hold his hand, which he did, with the very tips of his fingers around Jamie's wrist. May he always have friends like Jamie. May we all have at least one friend in our life time like Jamie R.
Elijah is still Elijah, delicious and clumsy, lisping and absent minded. He is slightly more tetchy and temperamental than usual but we tend to stare at him and shake our heads knowing that within seconds he will be that adorable little chipmunk we all adore.
Seth is going away on monday, for 5 days, I was sure I would be much more paranoid and terrified about it but he is such a strange and extraordinary boy, HE won't be a bit worried and so I think that helps, he is in a room with Harry and his room is next to his teachers room, she is going to make sure he eats, even if it is dry bread and cereal, he will eat something. If fear overtakes me I will make myself think of flying in 2 weeks and bring it down a notch or 30.
I shall not allow myself to think of my skinny little 9 year old abseiling, ( argh!) rock climbing, ( rocks, hard and unforgiving) night walking ( oh please don't let them lose him) canoeing ( drowning, deep water and small children and especially my precious child!) Archery ( sharp, sharp arrows and little boys...oh dear.)

I had a dream last night, one of those very real, almost tangible dreams where you wake up feeling overpowered and unsettled and this one made me sad. I dreamt that I met up with the first one and loved him again, he said he loved me too and we planned to be together again, we were offered a beautiful cottage, on an acre of land, oh it was such a glorious place and I wanted that place so badly, the first one and I were both given great jobs and told that the rent for this haven was a mere £170 a month.
The whole time I was planning this move back in with the first one, H was standing to one side just waiting for me to decide what I was going to do and I kept glancing over at him and saying things like " Oh, it's not like he cares anyway, he'll get over it" and " Oh the boys will be fine, look at the garden they can play in!"
Oh I felt so bereft when I woke up, to think of leaving H and taking the boys away from him is unimaginable.
I think I had that dream for several reasons, I went to mum's house last night, we had a few friends come over for hot chocolate and a laugh and I sat and chatted with mum after everyone left, she said " Oh I watched you and H on sunday and I was so envious, I looked at you both and I prayed that you never lose H because I can't imagine either of you without the other, you have such a unique relationship and bond and I couldn't help thinking how awful it would be if either of you were without the other"
Also I have noticed lately, that people behave in the most extraordinary way online, lines of propriety become blurred and people say things that ( I hope) they wouldn't dream of saying in real life. I am such a prude but I become very uncomfortable when I see people flirting with others they aren't married to, if both people are single, there's no problem but for me, if one or both are married, I absolutely hate to see inappropriate comments and suggestions, I don't think it is ever OK to pretend or 'joke' I don't find it at all funny, tsk tsk, stop it you foolish ninnies.
So I think the mix of reading what other people say to each other under the guise of joking, added to mum's talking about H and I made for a dream about the worst possibility, being without H and being with the first one again.
The cottage was REALLY perfect though, the stuff dreams are made of ( indeed) the rest was awful though.
I love my family, I am excited by the way H and I are raising these little boys and as quickly as they are growing it is wonderful to see who they are becoming, the different personalities and the strengths and challenges they have.
I envy women who have many children, I cannot think of a greater treasure that a big family. I am wealthy indeed.