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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Thursday, April 01, 2010

You know what thought did, don't you!

I thought, briefly, once, I think, that should I ever get old enough for 'the change' it would happen in a slow and comfortable way, easing me gently into the new life about to start, the free life, the one without PMS and inconvenient bleeding, the one where H would leave behind his irrational yet regular plunderings into complete arseholehood behind him, becoming a steady and unmoody H once and for all.
I heard about 'perimenopause' I liked the sound of that and I thought I would put that on order, for around 2025, I envisioned a slow irregularity to periods, where I would one day 'hmmmm' to myself and then remark that Aunt Flo hadn't been for a month or 7 and how MARVELLOUS that was.
I was completely confident that this was how I ordered it and therefore, this is how it would be. eventually. In 20 years or so.
I was looking forward to the no more periods bit with enormous excitement. I wasn't going to ever have the rest, in actual fact. It all seemed so stupid to me. Hot flushes ( flashes in America, trust them to have to be flash when we are flushing) those most certainly weren't on my list. I've had all the hot sweating I ever intend to have, with anti depressants and their miserable side effects. Wouldn't you know it though, still as regular as clockwork, every 28 days, complete with mood swings and a husband who behaves irrationally.
So then, imagine my surprise when I began to feel bizarre happenings, little moments that make PMS seem like a hilarious jape - OH THE FUN!
Moments such as this one, when recounted to my mother was met with a resounding WHOOP of a laugh followed by "that's the MENOPAUSE that is!"
The whole must not spend money because SHINY CAR thing is carrying on and we are doing splendidly, almost there, perhaps one more week. One.more.week.
In order to help myself not spend money I made a list, which is a HUGE thing, I live with autistic people, we live by rigid routine, you think I am making lists and sticking to them as well as every other must do, think on. Not I.
But I did make a list, or a menu, for monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday and even Sunday.
Monday. Spaghetti with bacon. Lovely, fry bacon and mushrooms, add garlic, onions, canned tomatoes, tomato puree and lots of black pepper and pour over cooked spaghetti. Delicious and simple.
Tuesday ( missionaries coming for dinner) Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans.
The rest of the week is as uninteresting as that ( apart from Sunday, roast lamb and all trimmings, yum) and not important to the tale.
Monday afternoon, H is picking the boys up from school and everything was in order, I thought I would just lie down and have a short nap. Ideal.
5.30pm... OH OH NO! Is so LATE, get up! What day is it? Where am I? What?
I stumbled downstairs and could smell cooking, strange, thought I, cooking? How so?
When I walked into the kitchen, there was Sophie, cooking dinner.....smells great.....spaghetti, well done, she can read....but Oh! Look! OH NO! Spaghetti with meat sauce, ground beef.....
and that is when my head flew off, hit the ceiling, rebounded off the back door and then landed back on my neck just in time for me to SCREAM "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???? and as I screamed I pointed at the LIST!! The LIST!! " It says BACON! CAN YOU SEE?? BACON!!!!!!"
Sophie ( with puzzled and yet amused/horrified look on her face) "And?"
"AND??? AND???? That ground beef was for TOMORROW! Meatloaf --TOMORROW and now what? Hmm? NOW WHAT? Well, NOW, Obviously I will have to go and buy MORE beef won't I and...."
And then I went on and on the whole time my head was yelling at me "SHUT UP! She is COOKING dinner, without being asked, because YOU WERE ASLEEP and yet you are yelling...shut your stupid mouth." I ignored my head of course. By the time I went into the front room, H was sitting open mouthed ( but not letting any words out of his mouth because he is a wise, wise man.)
Also, 3 times this week, when we are experiencing a week of biting cold temperatures and even, in some parts of the country, snow and wind, hail and more rain, I have sat and said "Oh, oh my...why is it so HOT? What is going on? Did you turn the heating up? Pass me that piece of card / magazine / envelope. Fan Fan flap fan.
Oh the misery, the beginning of a prickly scalp, then the burning, burning cheeks, the prickly heat over the chest....from head to toe heat, miserable, strangling heat that makes me want to open windows, strip off every stitch of clothing and pour ice water over my head.
H is a wonderful husband, he has been doing all the dropping off and picking up, the boys take bikes and scooters and he patiently follows on behind and herds them home. I want to say that all that walking up hills and down dales would have killed me but actually, I am pretty sure it would have done me good. I will admit that the first couple of days, walking here and there and lugging heavy bags up this hill we live on, made me feel I was about to give up the ghost. Oh my goodness, the heart pounding, lung bursting, face throbbing, muscle screaming pain of it....and then. on day 3 or 4, I noticed that I could walk up the hill without stopping, still panting but not stopping. This last day or two I have been able to walk and talk, my legs don't hurt anymore. I feel better and I know that I have to keep walking.
Sophie and I took the bus to Torquay today and we walked and walked and then we got back and I walked up the hill without stopping, carrying 3 big bags of shopping and it didn't hurt.

The new car is big, 7 seats, bigger engine. Petrol is now £1.20 a litre. A LITRE, I don't even want to work out what that is a gallon, it is disgraceful I know that much. It means that I simply cannot drive everywhere anymore. I will have to walk if I just want to wander around town, or only have to pick up bread or milk, I will have to leave the car behind.
I have also noticed that my shoulders, knees, ankles and wrists are hurting, they are less mobile and I know that if I want to keep them supple I have to use them more. Walking has helped my hips and knees, my shoes are really bad ones for walking and I think it is those that make my ankles hurt so much.
My foster brother posted a load of old pictures on Facebook this week, lots of me when I was young and several of me when I was about 19.....when I saw them and remembered how thin I was, I thought about how I used to run ( for fun!) and how busy I was way back then, I realised that this body I am in, is not how it is meant to be. I don't need to be this way and it is possible for me to be fitter and more healthy and look better.
Who knows if I will ever manage to stick with a lifestyle that makes a difference for long enough for it to actually make a difference, it is so hard to change such bad habits but I am glad that I keep trying! I hate to think what size I would be if I just kept eating and eating and never losing any of it.
I know I have some things to look forward to that will make it easier to plan and work for and I want to encourage Sophie to do it with me, we spoke about it today and have decided that on monday, after the Easter weekend, we will help each other to make some changes.
Perhaps I should make a list! Plan things that will make me sweat! Just a thought and you know what thought did, don't you!

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3 Comments:

Blogger One Tired Momma said...

awwww HUGS. I love you, PMSing, Menopausing, Flushing or screaming.

And you're just as beautiful as the pictures you posted.

6:18 pm  
Blogger Julie Q said...

The pictures are great Helen. :) And you are just as beautiful now as you were then.

I wish one of my girls would join me in my mission to get better. :)

7:52 pm  
Blogger Tired Mom of Six said...

Oh Helen - you are divine. Truly. I love reading your blog because it is SO real...and really, you are my hero.

My only hope is to go through the change without killing one of my many offspring and/or my husband. Sounds like that is about right. ;) xoxo

1:06 pm  

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