So..

I hi my post yesterday because it was far too raw, angry and honest. I'm not used to being that honest with myself and it made me feel more afraid and lonely than I already did.
I wish I could say I slept and woke feeling better but I didn't sleep much and I felt just as sad when I woke up. I can't look at H and I don't want to see or speak to Sophie.
In a nut shell, Sophie went to Jordan's house, started a fight, he told her to leave and when she wouldn't he threw her out, physically picked her up and threw her spitting, kicking, fighting, swearing self out onto the street. She called the police and told them he beat the shit out of her. She didn't have a mark on her of course but it didn't stop her ranting and raving and blaming everyone for her despicable behaviour.
Naturally, today I am the one in everyone's bad books, except Jordan of course, Jordan has always been and continues to be my easiest and most affable child. He has called me and texted me and apologised to me for losing his temper, he has apologised to Mel and their baby because they were there to witness the whole thing and unless you have ever actually witnessed one of Sophie's rages you can't possibly begin to imagine how terrifying and horrifying it all is.
I am always left feeling so empty, so completely dejected and miserable because despite everything I have been the one person to fight her corner, the one and only person who treats her fairly and to her that means I always take the other person's side and I obviously hate her. I can't explain well enough or eloquently how it feels to have your child scream FUCK OFF BITCH in your face, over and over again. You think it would dull with frequency but it doesn't. Every single time it feels like a blunt knife to the gut.
H does not help me. At all, some of it I imagine might be the aspergers making it difficult for him to deal with emotion but it isn't a good enough reason to walk away from me when I am crying so hard I am heaving. When he sees me having to deal with this and then he, along with everyone else, looks at me as if somehow I caused this and then he ignores me.
To be angry because I let the police into our home is selfish and thoughtless and today, I'll be honest I don't like him at all. Last night I hated him so fiercely if he hadn't left the room I might well have harmed him. I suppose that means I must have feeling for him. I never hated the first one, isn't that strange? He was a total twat and treated me like crap and I never hated him...probably because I never really loved him.
I don't know what to do, I know I should do something because otherwise, this will all happen again and I will cry and gather some more resentment and rage that I will shove down inside me and they will wake up and continue doing what they do without a care in the world.
I wish I could leave.
There is nowhere to go.
I know I am needed. They don't know that. They all think I am the cause of their every woe. I know that I am the one thing stopping them all heading for hell in a hand basket.
This is a self pitying statement and I understand that but it is true that I do not have a single person to turn to when I need it. No-one I can walk out of my house and go to see, that would make me laugh at how dramatic I am and how horrible my family can be. So I sit here til 3am and I pray that I will make it through another day without making the news headlines.
I keep breathing and try to be pleased about it and somehow another day goes by and I pat myself on the back because, dear God, if that isn't a huge achievement.
If I'm honest I'm not too happy with God either at the moment because when it all comes down to it, I feel He is pushing His luck with me. It comes to something when you force yourself to look at your blessings and they are all of the ilk of " Hooray all these kids with special needs, doesn't the Lord trust ME? I am SO BLESSED" and " I have a roof over my head and I know we have rats and black mould but aren't we LUCKY we don't live in a tin hut in India?"
Scraping the barrel there I admit but you know how it goes when you afford yourself the luxury of wallowing in self pity, it becomes one of those laughing games where you make it sound so awful you have to shriek in that hysterical 'don't come to close while I laugh like this because I AM A COILED SPRING and am likely to snap at any given moment and HURT YOU' way.
What? Is it just me that does that? Hey ho, it's kept me out of a padded cell this long, if it works keep with it I always say.
Good old blog, always here when I need it, I shall make it my best friend and hope it remembers my birthday next year.