Not sorry at all.

I have been so hopeless with my blog and recently I have regretted that, it's so good to be able to look back and see how things were in the past, I love to see how we have changed and grown, learned from mistakes and see where I need to work and concentrate more. Not writing here means I can't do those things and that annoys me!

So here I am, with a jumbly old pile of stuff to say, who knows if I will make any sense at all...ooh I should say that I have only just discovered that some comments were in a hidey hole awaiting my approval! Who knew that was a new thing? I love comments and so finding them was a treat indeed, also love that blogger seems to be filtering out spam and putting that in a separate cesspit, thankyou blogger, I appreciate that.

So, we have been homeschooling Elijah for a while and I should probably update on that, he has made huge leaps in many ways, he is asking questions ( and what questions he is asking! "what does light mean?" and " is that what this tastes like?" Fun answering some of his queries I can tell you!)

We now know he CAN sit still and concentrate, what works for him is to work for 15 minutes and then he gets to run around and be a dog, or a lion for 10 minutes. We are slowly getting him to concentrate for longer periods but he definitely learns best when he is on the go, when we are out and about and ask him questions he thinks and answers sensibly, if we have him work out money and find things in the shops he can do it easily, if we try to get him to do the same thing, sitting down in a lesson environment, it's like pulling teeth and we're not sure who it hurts the most.

I can't tell if he really has special needs or if he is 'normal' he certainly isn't like my other children but at his age THEY all had special needs, I have never had a 7 year old that is average. I do see that he isn't a shining scholar and he doesn't grasp things easily. He is learning about safety and my goodness that is such a relief. When we go out, if he is the only child he stays close by, he doesn't run away, he thinks and for the most part we can trust him . If anyone else is with us, all bets are off and he reverts to being the a liability. Slowly does it is our motto.

H is doing the majority of the school work with him, he is patience personified and between teaching Eli and tutoring Seth and his friend Harry every evening, ready for the 11+ I think he is in his element. I need to make sure that Eli's lessons are recorded so we have something to show the woman of doom when she comes back to see how we are doing. I can see that for Eli, the relaxed and suited to him way of learning is spot on. I still worry about the future for him but am learning to take things more on a day to day basis, for now this is working, who knows what the future holds, I know that right now, the thought of sending him to school is unbearable, I can't bear to think of him trying to be friends with kids who don't want him near them, I shudder when I think of his little face still smiling when those kids told him to go away and turned their backs on him. I love that a couple of the children at school are thrilled to see him and he has been to play with Alfie, he doesn't miss school and I ask him sometimes if he would like to go back to school one day, he always says "No, I don't" for now, that is enough for me.

Isaac has just been away for 5 days with the school, he stayed with the school and we didn't get a phone call to say he was having a rough time. He was obsessed with his packing and almost drove himself into a frenzy with the checking and rechecking, on the morning of camp day he stayed in the car and wouldn't get out until I told him his friend Jamie A was ready and in the playground, he grabbed his bags and left, we didn't follow him and let him get on the bus etc with his friends.

The second night of camp I was sick with worry, I couldn't settle and I just wanted to go and get him. I have sent my children away on various camps and such and I always worry before they go, once they have left I am fine, I think of them and hope they are happy, this time I just hated it, I was fretful and driving myself crazy with all the ' I feel like this because he is miserable and they are jollying him along and not allowing him to come with us' I argued with myself and eventually made myself believe that he was fine, even if he was unhappy he wouldn't be damaged for life etc etc.

I went to collect him from school, waited by the bus and didn't see him get off, I walked around the bus and still didn't see him, then I saw him out of the corner of my eye, standing right next to the minibus. He saw me and immediately put up his hands in a very definite ' don't come near me' way and then he turned his back. He walked into the playground and I followed him to help with his bags, he still wouldn't look at me but eventually answered a couple of questions and whispered that he had won ' tidiest room' and 'Best boy' awards.

His teacher was near the bags and heard me ask Isaac if he had done body boarding ( he had been insistent that he would not try it, not do it, would not be swayed at all, body boarding was a NO) she said " Do it? Did he ever do body boarding, in fact we could hardly STOP him body boarding" she then went on to say he had indeed won award for the 'Best boy' and he had got that because he was so well behaved and listened well etc.

He was obviously tired and so I didn't ask too many questions, he came home and he ate and ate and ate some more. Then he got a blanket, wrapped his stinky, dirty self in it and he wouldn't move. Then he cried for a long time, how I hate that silent cry, it is so pitiful, so overwhelming and I always feel so helpless because he can't tell me why he is crying, just perfectly silent as tears stream down his face. I picked him up and put him on the sofa next to me and let him cry. He held my hand for 3 hours, if I went to let go he would grab my hand again and put it back on his leg or hold one of my fingers and he whispered over and over again " I missed you " he went on to tell me "I liked Wednesday because we watched 'up' and I liked doing the stuff but I didn't like sleeping there and I wanted to sleep with you and dad at the caravan but I didn't tell them. I was hungry" He has told me the food they have to eat and it is certainly sufficient and all the things kids like, Isaac has an incredibly mature taste in food, he will choose Lamb biryani over chicken nugget and chips, he will ask for Sea Bass or trout and ask to cook it himself. He loves nothing better than left overs for breakfast and has an ever increasing interest in where his food comes from and how it is cooked. It was hard for him to eat regular kid food for 5 days! He didn't get his 7pm dessert either " the had brownies and cake but they gave it to us RIGHT AFTER DINNER! ( the very idea!!) As time goes by he is telling us more of what he did, he is proud of himself for going and for trying all the activities, I think it was tough for him to deal with 5 days of total break in his routine, he didn't shower at all while he was away and nobody cares about that, he is intensely private and won't have a bath here if Sophie has a friend over, he is just starting to be more modest when I am around, a quandary for him because he hates to wash his own hair, the water on his face is tough for him, I am sure it won't be long before he decides that washing his own hair is preferable to having his mum see his bum!



Seth and Eli are not buddies, at all, they seem unable to be in the same room, car, building, town as each other without fighting, oh it's so tiring to pull them apart, let them at it, pull them apart, warn them it'll end in tears, warn them again, sigh and say " See? SEE? Did I tell you? You can't listen can you, it always has to end with someone crying and....."

Not a day goes by without both H and I saying " don't look at him, touch him, reply to him, ignore him, pretend he isn't there" many times. In vain. They are compelled to scrap, what can I do?

I'm getting old, what that has to do with anything is neither here nor there but good heavens I feel it lately, the weather has changed and I feel it in my bones, there's no denying it, so I won't. I am in fact embracing some parts of it, I like to think I am playing it a bit, I have noticed that my big children are becoming my carers, how bizarre! I see more and more that they treat me like a precious dimwit and I am somewhat ashamed to say that I let them! The boys especially are treating me as if I am sure to break or get lost ( which I do, let's face it, if you put me in a paper bag and shook it twice I'd get lost trying to find my way out. We followed the mini bus to Cornwall, 68 miles. We made our won way home 112 miles....every time the scenic route, for the love of petrol it gets old BUT and yes, there is a BUT....I always find my way in the end!) I bite my tongue when I am tempted to point out that they are only where they are and who they are because I looked after them and got them where they are.

When Jenn and Julie were here we were going out for the day and we were following Dan, Jordan, Mel and her mum in Dan's car. The plan was that we go to my mums house first and pick up the post box she had made for them, she made it to go on the table at the reception to collect the cards, anyway off we went and I followed Daniel and he went through traffic lights and they turned red before I got through. Dan noticed and he pulled over in a lay by and waited for me! When we got to mum's I asked him if he had actually done that because he didn't believe I could find the way to my MOTHER'S house on my own! Jordan laughed and said " patronising twat isn't he?" Yes, but a glorious one.

Sophie is changing, it is quite the most touching and breath holding thing for me to see, I am on the sidelines and waiting to see her fly...and she will, if prayers and hoping, willing and longing have anything to do with it she will.

On the day Jordan and Mel got married, Sophie was astounding, a new person and she excelled, she was sophisticated and thoughtful, she outdid herself in her duties as a bridesmaid and at 5 o'clock she asked me what time I was going home and said she wanted to come home with me, she said she was tired and poorly and she would just come home. That isn't Sophie AT ALL, she is a party girl and she will be first there, last to leave and the loudest one in the room.
When she came home with me as I dropped H and the boys home, she was quiet ( BELLS! Ringing of the alarm bells!) so she said " I won't ever have that" I knew immediately what she meant, I said before and I will probably say it again, Jordan and Mel's wedding was one of a kind, the emotion and the absolute rightness was tangible, it was moving to everyone there and I suspect many people wondered if they would ever have 'that'.
I let her be quiet for moment and then I saw the tears and she said again " I know I will never have that"
I told her that she could and she will, if she is willing to do what it takes to get 'that' Right now she is a party girl, she is over loud, she is in your face she is outrageous and she doesn't like herself enough to treat herself nicely, let alone expect anyone else to treat her well.
I told her that while she is doing what she is doing, she will keep getting what she is getting. I asked her who she thought would want to share a whole lifetime with someone who gets drunk several times a week, who flashes her body and makes lewd comments at every opportunity. I asked her if maybe men thought she was great fun..for the night but maybe when or if they thought of loving someone forever they would be looking for someone that offered more, someone who thought more of herself? I told her also that she should change what she is doing, that she should try new things, go to new places, let people see who she REALLY is, not who she wants them to think she is.
I encouraged her to try and let people see the person I had been watching that day. I promised her that if she did that, if she got to like herself more it would be easier for someone to love her more. Sometimes, when I speak to my children I can tell that they have heard me. I Am sure she heard me.
She has applied to do a college course from home, she will have to work as well as study ( which is great, less time for partying!) I will do anything I can to help her do it, she wants to work with children and she is great with other peoples' children, she drives me insane with the boys but I am impressed with her when she is looking after other peoples' kids! I can't see her as a nanny because she isn't patient enough, I can see her in a nursery where there are several adults and lots of not baby children, she has a rough time with babies and the whole ' can't say what the problem is' thing. I shall be crossing my fingers and toes for her. She needs for some real changes and to feel useful and worthy of good things.

Tomorrow I am going to start on getting better, I have felt so poorly for so long, so low and pathetic, I can't imagine feeling better, physically the way I have been treating my body has caught up with me, I have always been such a healthy fat person but I can't say that anymore, good grief if I don't ache now the weather has changed, really limpy ache, oof and ouch and bloody hell ache.
I can't do this anymore.
I was shopping yesterday and a man walked past and as he passed me he made a violent kind of gagging 'Ugh' sound. Now, common sense tells me that he wasn't making that noise because I am so hideous he was unable to hold it in but that's exactly what I thought as he did it, I immediately tried to smell myself to see if I was rank and festering and then I tried to hold my head up and get the shopping done as quickly as I could.
It would seem ( steady on, some information about to be imparted that might not be strictly necessary) that the menopause is here, for real, I would say out of the blue but it isn't, not really, I have been a raging hormone filled unpredictable blob for so long I can't remember when it all started, I blame the sweating and unbearable heat waves on my medicines but let's be frank ( oh if only I could be Frank, he never has to deal with this crap does he? No, indeed not.) every time I sit and flap a piece of folded paper in front of my face and huff and puff IKNOW the world can see I am a woman of a certain age, hells teeth I hate it. The fact that my periods ( Aunt Flo as it is so quaintly referred to in polite circles) have been every 28 days for as long as I have had them, after babies 28 days, after major surgery 28 days, come hell and high water, every 28 days there it is, how terribly convenient.
I have had late periods 10 times in my life, 8 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages and 2 late periods with no apparent reason, 4-5 days late.
I am now over 2 weeks late, good heavens. I have even taken 2 pregnancy tests which were negative and let me tell you, there wasn't even a threat of a tear of disappointment when I saw the absence of a second line.
So, it looks like the menopause it is then, for real, with it's delightful promises of aching limbs and brittle bones. Life's just a barrel of laughs isn't it?
I know that I am now fighting against the odds here now, if I don't help myself I am destined to a life of limping misery and I am not ready to give in to all that age threatens. I can't when I have these 3 boys here and still so reliant on us to take care of them.
I have always been quite proud of the fact that even though I am considerably overweight it never slowed me down and now it does, by the end of the day my legs and back are screaming for mercy. I can't help but imagine how happy my legs would be if they had 100lbs less to carry around. I suspect my legs might do the fandango and I would jolly well let them, in public if I ever were to able to achieve such a glorious feat.
I know I have to move more and eat less and I have to eat the right foods when I am eating.
How many times have I been here? Oh shut up, I know, but look, it's when I stop coming back here that I have to worry, when I give up entirely and stop losing the weight before I put it all back on.
I am very worried about how baggy I will be as I lose weight, my poor face, never mind the bits that no-one else sees. I might have to invest in some seriously elastic knickers and some extra long and stretchy socks and tuck everything in in a military operation every day, I shall start wearing polo neck jumpers to hide the droopy neck and face skin...oh dear, the very idea. I stand by my idea that eating cakes has kept the wrinkles at bay, every time I see an advert for 'plumping' face cream I tell the TV...EAT A CAKE! I shall rue the day I know it.
It's taken me 2 days to write this drivel, I'd apologise but I'm not sorry at all.