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A tra la la kind of day.
Today has been one of those days where you wish you could pickle it and drag it out for when its a crappity day. A lambs tail and pumpkin pie day, tra la. ....la.
Actually lambs tails....not very nice those, all sort of dangly and falling off, so perhaps not the best description. You get my drift though, what I mean is, it began with Elijah creeping into bed and scrunching up really close, divine ... and it just stayed that good.
It has turned cold, really cold and is still bright and sunny, I love those days and so I played hookie from the chinese man of torture, felt good, will go on saturday and reep the benefits but today, I had other plans.
On the invites to 'the' party, I wrote "BRING YOUR PUMPKIN" in a cheerful and shouting sort of way, meaning, bring your carved pumpkin, it'll be great to have a wall of jack 'o lanterns....of course I forgot that a) people can't read my mind and b) this is England people. England and Halloween. God bless the queen and there'll always be an England etc. but we just don't get halloween, we are trying and there is a sort of gung-ho desperation to get it right but ...well it might take a while.
( mum had some trick or treaters that had costumes..progress indeed, got the candy and then started to sing CHRISTMAS CAROLS.....no, she said...
it's Halloween, not christmas....."oh, we know, we are just starting early" See? no clue. Bless.)
Anyway, they did bring their pumpkins.....just pumpkins, whole, with no snazzy designs...and they put them in my kitchen where they have been getting in my way, in their sainsbury's carrier bags, ever since. Ugh.
I could have maybe made myself throw one away but not all of them....so pie making it was. Seven. 7.Pies. Is there a smell better than that? Apart from tiny babies, I think not.
When I went to collect the boys from school, one of the dads came up to me and said "Thankyou for that fabulous party, the boys had the best time, oh and next year I'm booking the night off so I can stay!" So worth it, all of it.
We had a great dinner and just now.....a gloriously almost too hot shower, in my shower room with it's brand new floor, with no black rotten wood or peeling lino. Heaven. And now, thick fluffy socks and cosy front room.
Tra la la......ha ha ha ha.
I wrote this much, saved it to draft, went and got pie and cream for my H and me, which was, though I say so myself, so delicious it made our legs jiggy and then I fell asleep, right here like a real old lady, dribbling and snoring I shouldn't wonder, for nearly 3 blissful hours. Jordan woke me when he came home from work ( something so touching about a huge big boy still finding it necessary to come and see where I am ) I was on the
sofa, facing towards the back when I woke, in fact I was face against the back , stuck right up against it with my arse to the wind . What a lovely picture for you to conjour up.
Blockbusters had the movie 'the notebook' on sale..I have been trying to get hold of this for months, I meant to watch it tonight but will save it for when I have a fighting chance of actually staying awake for it! With sophie maybe.....I went to meet her from work this evening, she was just shutting up the shop, 3 of her friends were there...all with their babies, tiny little human beings, Sienna , Matthew and Harvey all with mummies who should be thinking of nothing more than what to do with their wages on friday, whether to buy shoes or get their haircut.
Little souls whose lives depend on these children to raise them. Totally possible of course and these babies looked beautiful and loved and I stood and said to my girl ( because she thinks it is so cool that her friends have babies)
" yeay for being the odd one out Soph, so girls...is this like having a doll? " sophie said " yes..look at them, look at Sienna's cute clothes!" and 3 little girls looked at her and shook their heads and told her how hard this is and how everything has changed.
The best thing about today has been the feeling, almost tangible, that all the medication is gone from my body. I swear I can actually feel that whatever I feel now is really me. I am most excited about the fact that all the sweating has stopped. I hated that sweating, even dressing the boys in the morning had me pouring with sweat. Waiting in line in a shop I would feel my head running, nothing stopped it, it made me so miserable. Even in the kitchen making 7 pumpkin pies and a beef madras...NO SWEATING, amazing.
I feel as though I now have to be responsible for staying on top of feeling well. I don't ever want to be back in that pot of despair and be unable to see or think clearly.
While I know that I can't control what fate throws at me( my depression was caused by events rather than a chemical imbalance,) I will always remember that day, when having had mental health evaluation for weeks, that nurse sat me down and said that for the first time in his career he could say "Hey, the good news is, you're not mentally ill TA-DA...your life is actually crap, congratulations and commisserations, the national health can't give you the cure, which is a new life, you're on your own but take these tablets because we don't know what else to do" I can make certain choies that will help keep this feeling of newness and exhilleration.
I feel as if I can breathe for the first time in years, really breathe, great gobs of clean air instead of teeny little sucks of grey air that hurt on the way in and rarely seemed able to find its way out. My whole life was gasping for air and holding on to it.
I used to feel that I was in a vacuum, in a bubble of misery trying to hold it all in so it wouldn't contaminate anyone around me.
I felt such responsibility for everyone around me, as if somehow, keeping the world safe was my job. Everything was down to me, stupid me, and naturally I was failing.
What an enormous relief to understand that it's not all up to me. I am able to throw up my hands and say " I can't do it, this isn't my job" I can look at just my little world with my family and see that THIS is my job, my responsibility.
If, along the way I can help, or uplift or encourage then you can bet I will be there and I will get it right sometimes and wrong other times. When I make mistakes, when it all falls belly up...I can look at it and shrug my shoulders. I can also walk away from situations that can cause misery. We have such freedom to choose where we go and what we do. There is always a point where we can say I CAN'T DO THIS and walk away, with head held high and the strength to go on to the next challenge. We have the freedom to choose happiness or misery more often than we know.
By little things are great things achieved , or something. When the whole journey looks too hard, stop trying to see the end, focus on the next step or two, stop thinking that it all has to be perfect right now, this minute. If today is a bit better than yesterday we're half way there.
If today, I can concentrate on being in the right place, doing the right thing, hooray.
Awful when we inadvertently hurt someone along the way, I do hate that and am truly sorry, but there are times when we have to be tough and just accept that we can't change anything, when by sticking with it we are putting ourselves in the path of a bloody great train that is going to.. ouch hurt and ...... just get the hell out .... jump off the track and keep yourself safe.
I am going by bus for a while.
I am staying close to home and letting the big wide internet world pass me by.
I have hugely reduced the amount of blogs I will read, have put my laptop on hibernate for the best part of the day and have decided that right now, especially after such a wonderful few days of being surrounded by actual people who I can at last feel comfortable with, this is the way to go.
When I was at my most sad, I lost the ability to face real people, online I could still 'pretend', still be funny and talkative, be brave and put that face on. In real life I was a bumbling idiot. It was physically painful for me to talk to people other than my immediate family, the phone was my enemy, going out was a sweat making, heart pounding misery.
That is all gone now..right here is a whole real world that I am eager to get back into. I feel almost as though I have been hibernating myself and now I am pretty much awake. It's akin to seeing things for the first time. Ridiculously simple joy in every day things. Right here in front of me. Imagine that.
So if I'm not as 'in your face' as I have been, do a little skippy dance for me because it means I am out there doing some real stuff, making up for lost time and grasping the nettle as they say ( why do they say that? Bizarre)
I'm not disappearing into the wide blue yonder, I'll still be here and still reading about your lives, most of you.
I will most definately still be here, writing this every day.....this is my therapy, when I actually make myself laugh or cry when I write this ..I love it, I know I have done what I needed to do. The great thing is, now I can look at real people, friends who are right here, who see the real me and still like me. I can talk ( I really can, Sophie doesn't get that from her dad!!) and laugh and forget that it was ever a problem. Absolutely fabulous.
Actually lambs tails....not very nice those, all sort of dangly and falling off, so perhaps not the best description. You get my drift though, what I mean is, it began with Elijah creeping into bed and scrunching up really close, divine ... and it just stayed that good.
It has turned cold, really cold and is still bright and sunny, I love those days and so I played hookie from the chinese man of torture, felt good, will go on saturday and reep the benefits but today, I had other plans.
On the invites to 'the' party, I wrote "BRING YOUR PUMPKIN" in a cheerful and shouting sort of way, meaning, bring your carved pumpkin, it'll be great to have a wall of jack 'o lanterns....of course I forgot that a) people can't read my mind and b) this is England people. England and Halloween. God bless the queen and there'll always be an England etc. but we just don't get halloween, we are trying and there is a sort of gung-ho desperation to get it right but ...well it might take a while.
( mum had some trick or treaters that had costumes..progress indeed, got the candy and then started to sing CHRISTMAS CAROLS.....no, she said...
it's Halloween, not christmas....."oh, we know, we are just starting early" See? no clue. Bless.)
Anyway, they did bring their pumpkins.....just pumpkins, whole, with no snazzy designs...and they put them in my kitchen where they have been getting in my way, in their sainsbury's carrier bags, ever since. Ugh.
I could have maybe made myself throw one away but not all of them....so pie making it was. Seven. 7.Pies. Is there a smell better than that? Apart from tiny babies, I think not.
When I went to collect the boys from school, one of the dads came up to me and said "Thankyou for that fabulous party, the boys had the best time, oh and next year I'm booking the night off so I can stay!" So worth it, all of it.
We had a great dinner and just now.....a gloriously almost too hot shower, in my shower room with it's brand new floor, with no black rotten wood or peeling lino. Heaven. And now, thick fluffy socks and cosy front room.
Tra la la......ha ha ha ha.
I wrote this much, saved it to draft, went and got pie and cream for my H and me, which was, though I say so myself, so delicious it made our legs jiggy and then I fell asleep, right here like a real old lady, dribbling and snoring I shouldn't wonder, for nearly 3 blissful hours. Jordan woke me when he came home from work ( something so touching about a huge big boy still finding it necessary to come and see where I am ) I was on the
sofa, facing towards the back when I woke, in fact I was face against the back , stuck right up against it with my arse to the wind . What a lovely picture for you to conjour up.
Blockbusters had the movie 'the notebook' on sale..I have been trying to get hold of this for months, I meant to watch it tonight but will save it for when I have a fighting chance of actually staying awake for it! With sophie maybe.....I went to meet her from work this evening, she was just shutting up the shop, 3 of her friends were there...all with their babies, tiny little human beings, Sienna , Matthew and Harvey all with mummies who should be thinking of nothing more than what to do with their wages on friday, whether to buy shoes or get their haircut.
Little souls whose lives depend on these children to raise them. Totally possible of course and these babies looked beautiful and loved and I stood and said to my girl ( because she thinks it is so cool that her friends have babies)
" yeay for being the odd one out Soph, so girls...is this like having a doll? " sophie said " yes..look at them, look at Sienna's cute clothes!" and 3 little girls looked at her and shook their heads and told her how hard this is and how everything has changed.
The best thing about today has been the feeling, almost tangible, that all the medication is gone from my body. I swear I can actually feel that whatever I feel now is really me. I am most excited about the fact that all the sweating has stopped. I hated that sweating, even dressing the boys in the morning had me pouring with sweat. Waiting in line in a shop I would feel my head running, nothing stopped it, it made me so miserable. Even in the kitchen making 7 pumpkin pies and a beef madras...NO SWEATING, amazing.
I feel as though I now have to be responsible for staying on top of feeling well. I don't ever want to be back in that pot of despair and be unable to see or think clearly.
While I know that I can't control what fate throws at me( my depression was caused by events rather than a chemical imbalance,) I will always remember that day, when having had mental health evaluation for weeks, that nurse sat me down and said that for the first time in his career he could say "Hey, the good news is, you're not mentally ill TA-DA...your life is actually crap, congratulations and commisserations, the national health can't give you the cure, which is a new life, you're on your own but take these tablets because we don't know what else to do" I can make certain choies that will help keep this feeling of newness and exhilleration.
I feel as if I can breathe for the first time in years, really breathe, great gobs of clean air instead of teeny little sucks of grey air that hurt on the way in and rarely seemed able to find its way out. My whole life was gasping for air and holding on to it.
I used to feel that I was in a vacuum, in a bubble of misery trying to hold it all in so it wouldn't contaminate anyone around me.
I felt such responsibility for everyone around me, as if somehow, keeping the world safe was my job. Everything was down to me, stupid me, and naturally I was failing.
What an enormous relief to understand that it's not all up to me. I am able to throw up my hands and say " I can't do it, this isn't my job" I can look at just my little world with my family and see that THIS is my job, my responsibility.
If, along the way I can help, or uplift or encourage then you can bet I will be there and I will get it right sometimes and wrong other times. When I make mistakes, when it all falls belly up...I can look at it and shrug my shoulders. I can also walk away from situations that can cause misery. We have such freedom to choose where we go and what we do. There is always a point where we can say I CAN'T DO THIS and walk away, with head held high and the strength to go on to the next challenge. We have the freedom to choose happiness or misery more often than we know.
By little things are great things achieved , or something. When the whole journey looks too hard, stop trying to see the end, focus on the next step or two, stop thinking that it all has to be perfect right now, this minute. If today is a bit better than yesterday we're half way there.
If today, I can concentrate on being in the right place, doing the right thing, hooray.
Awful when we inadvertently hurt someone along the way, I do hate that and am truly sorry, but there are times when we have to be tough and just accept that we can't change anything, when by sticking with it we are putting ourselves in the path of a bloody great train that is going to.. ouch hurt and ...... just get the hell out .... jump off the track and keep yourself safe.
I am going by bus for a while.
I am staying close to home and letting the big wide internet world pass me by.
I have hugely reduced the amount of blogs I will read, have put my laptop on hibernate for the best part of the day and have decided that right now, especially after such a wonderful few days of being surrounded by actual people who I can at last feel comfortable with, this is the way to go.
When I was at my most sad, I lost the ability to face real people, online I could still 'pretend', still be funny and talkative, be brave and put that face on. In real life I was a bumbling idiot. It was physically painful for me to talk to people other than my immediate family, the phone was my enemy, going out was a sweat making, heart pounding misery.
That is all gone now..right here is a whole real world that I am eager to get back into. I feel almost as though I have been hibernating myself and now I am pretty much awake. It's akin to seeing things for the first time. Ridiculously simple joy in every day things. Right here in front of me. Imagine that.
So if I'm not as 'in your face' as I have been, do a little skippy dance for me because it means I am out there doing some real stuff, making up for lost time and grasping the nettle as they say ( why do they say that? Bizarre)
I'm not disappearing into the wide blue yonder, I'll still be here and still reading about your lives, most of you.
I will most definately still be here, writing this every day.....this is my therapy, when I actually make myself laugh or cry when I write this ..I love it, I know I have done what I needed to do. The great thing is, now I can look at real people, friends who are right here, who see the real me and still like me. I can talk ( I really can, Sophie doesn't get that from her dad!!) and laugh and forget that it was ever a problem. Absolutely fabulous.
posted by The other me | 6:39 pm
9 Comments:
Oh yes Helen, watch The Notebook with Sophie. Such a sweet movie. It has something for all ages, it truly does. I also enjoyed reading the book. :)
Pumpkin pies! Yummy!
And yay to life! It is good and full and busy. Enjoy it! :)
Helen, I have read your blog for many months and I admire you so much for the wonderful person you are and especially to others. Now friend, be good to yourself. I learned just now that my sweats that I so detested were from a depression medicine that I did not need either. Life is wonderful and we can only do what is right in our hearts and others acceptance of the love we offer can be accepted or rejected. In the eyes of God, then we have done our part and we can lay our head on on pillow at night and know God has said, well done my good and faithful servant.
You are blessed with a wonderful family with you and a world of friends like me out here, reading of your wonders, but just not taking the time to say Thank you Helen for being just Helen!
With much love from a friend in the States!
Oh so now I am wondering who you are and if we actually in real life knew each other,it sounds as if we did ..so please tell me who you are, because life is too short to be anonymous when you are quite clearly lovely.
Helen,
It's been so wonderful to watch you on this journey. And even though I don't know you in real life, it's easy to see that you've come so far!
Don't disappear completely, please! I have grown accustomed to being inspired by you!
Rachel
Hi Helen,
This is the reader from the US. I just wanted to comment as I enjoy reading your blog and did not want you to think I was recruiting a reader or something. I am just a caring person and wanted you to know that you are special and your blog touches many folks. You are truly a blessing to me and feel free to visit my place anytime. I am just a plain old country lady with a loving heart that the good Lord gave me. Take care my friend.
God Bless!
Claudia
Moobear
Helen, Just wanted to let you know that I am a faithful reader from the Southern part of the United States, have been reading your blog for several months now, and enjoy it so much. You are like a refreshing breath of springtime! Love the way you write, and enjoy hearing about you and your family. I look forward every day to visiting you (one of these days I am going to start my own blog) and hearing about what is going on in your life.
Frances M.
Hello Friend.
I've been offline for a bit with blogger problems, but it seems I'm back without having to switch to Beta (hahahaha - I don't take kindly to change as you well know).
In any case, it sounds like your party was a complete success - I so wish I could have been there with you. The pictures are fabulous, and you KNOW I'll send you another big box of goodies for next years shin-dig.
I bet your house smells fantastic - Pumpkin pie makes a house smell divine and cozy and warm and loved.
Hugs and chocolate kisses :)
jenn
Congratulations Helen.
I read too quite frequently, even though I don't always comment. I've always enjoyed your wit and humour. I'm glad to see that you are off the medicines and ready to approach the real world. It is very easy to hide in cyberspace and pretend. Good luck and God Bless.
I can feel your positive energy, your happiness and all that good stuff flowing right on through! I am feeling much better the last day or so and it is marvellous! I too need to unattach myself to this computer and start living more in the real world.
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