And when she was good.....

The girl child is being a good girl. She does this and we enjoy it, whilst holding our breath and waiting for the wild child to return. I have decided not to do that anymore. Sophie is one to not disappoint, if she thinks you're waiting for trouble, she'll give it to you, if she thinks you may not like her, she'll make sure you don't and that she knows exactly WHY you don't, if she imagines that you are waiting for a fight, she won't let you down.
Her whole life she has given what was expected of her. I did that to her. She has heard me say over and over again that she is the child that teaches me patience, that she is feisty and obstreperous, that she is difficult and apt to disagree, I have said too many times that the one girl I have has been harder than all 5 boys put together and fed sugar and caffiene.
I have stopped that, I have just loved her and kissed her face, I have fed her, invited her here, welcomed her popping in, told her how the boys are different ttowards her because she is calmer with them, I have sent her 'home' so that she can come back, we have asked her to babysit twice, for 2 hours and not given her a list of instructions, we have allowed her to play with the boys without endlessly telling her how to play and what not to do and be careful and quiet and watch her mouth.
I bought her 2 pairs of jeans yesterday and she was beyond grateful, she then told me that she had only had one pair, today I bought her a bag of toiletries, body spray deodorant, toothpaste, some make up and she disappeared for a while,came back down and wafted herself in front of me and said " Oh.....I miss smelling nice, smell how lovely I am now"
All this would seem such a small thing, such a normal every day thing for an 18 year old girl but for her, it isn't. She has made such choices that have stopped such a thing as having deodorant and body spray something to take for granted. My heart aches about it but I have to let her hurt. I have to let her wallow in the pit she crawled into. If I keep saving her she will never learn. It would be the simplest thing in the world to rescue her, hand her everything on a plate and kill her with kindness.
I really think if I stopped this tough love thing, it would kill her.
A 22 year old girl was found dead on sunday, just down the road. It was one of Sophie's 'friends' An overdose. So close, so terrifyingly close that the urge to grab her and bring her home is almost impossible to resist, but I have to resist it and let her see just how close she is to that kind of terror. May her angels keep watching over her, for a little while longer because I really think she is learning, for the first time ever she can see ( though not quite ready to admit ) that she is where she is because of her.
I so hope that very soon she can see what is possible if she chooses a different road.
This child of mine, out of all my children, has my heart in a vice. Every one of my children has a particular place in my heart, when they grew under it, they made their mark and not even time will erase it.
Sophie seems to have had the task of teaching me the most. She has baptised me with fire. I am still learning and I hope beyond all hope that I never have to use anything I have learned, ever again from raising her!! I shall be happy to share my wisdom with others when I am old and sitting in a rocker somewhere reminiscing about 'back in the day' but I don't ever want to need to call on my knowledge and experience to go through it with one of these little boys.
Shudder.
The more I just love her, keep calm and reasonable when I really just want to tear out my hair and scream a lot, she reacts to it, she calms down, she is soaking it in. Please let it keep working.