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And the good news is....
Good news. Fancy that. Sort of, in a backhanded way, with a sting.
I went to the dermatologist this morning, with the clearest, un stripey, unwelty, not a mark on me skin, it's almost laughable isn't it? The one day when I really wanted to be at my stripiest, nothing, not a mark. *sigh*
So in I went and young, sincere and most ernest learning doctor came to see me first, he has been reading all about skin and is keen to see my horrific case of urticaria, undetermined cause.
And as if my some miracle, before our very eyes.....STRIPES! WELTS! BUMPS AND ITCHY BITS. I am, if nothing else, a great floor show.
We chatted and watched and discussed and then he said that this is certainly NOT lupus, which is a very good thing but I cried, fat old desperate tears of frustration because oh dear this is so hard and I am so miserable because it isn't anything and yet my life, my miserable life is just dominated by this thing, this itching, ugly, exhausting thing and if I just had a name and a reason I could just say that I am this way because..........and I can't. I just have this miserable skin and it is ALL IN MY HEAD. That does not mean it isn't real and as far as wednesday and the tribunal goes, this is good because all those months ago, the powers that be decided that I am not depressed, not anxious and not depressed enough to warrant incapacity benefits, I can go out to work because I am FINE ! So, on wednesday I can go and see this whole panel of people and do a party trick, I can produce a pointy stick and write all over my forehead, arms, face and neck ( and even my backside should I be so moved) DISPROVE THIS SUCKERS!
I am depressed that being depressed can make so physically ill, which makes me more ill and more depressed.....I know that somehow I have to kick start my own recovery and I do not want to waste another day of my life with this misery, I think I could do it too if life didn't just keep swinging at me.
When I had finished with being looked at and drawn on ( with a stick...LOOK young learning doctor, see what happens when we draw with sticks on the back of a 45 year old woman with dermographic, something, something, urticaria!) I went to the maternity ward where Mel was waiting after spending the night, Jordan called at 11.30 to say that Mel was bleeding and HURRY. I hurried, she spent the night. After all the infections and what nots, Mels cervix is weak and she bled. All is well but there was to be an ultrasound, to make sure ( WHEEEEEEEEE!)
As we waited in the waiting room, the excitement was palpable, all 3 of us were giggly and guessing and saying how if this time, baby hid it's bits, we would be amused and take it on the chin and not sulk.
At last we went in ( with Mel having drunk 3 gallons of water, sugary lemonade and everything she could to make sure baby was AWAKE and MOVING and NOT SLEEPING DOWN IN THE PELVIS) ho hum, yes yes, head, marvellous, awww look, hair and little frowning brow.....yes, spine, heart tick tick, yes yes thigh bones. Pardon? Did they sex the baby last time? Why no, cord between legs, yes we DO want to know. Hold breath, strain forward, stare and then, she just said it, told us, in a dull flat voice as if ' milk 2 sugars' WHAT? What did you say? Do you have no idea that this is HUGE! How so you can mumble such breath taking and life changing news? All that wondering and waiting and guessing and then, we know. Like that. Milk and 2 sugars, next please. Well.
So we walked outside and talked about it and said how we knew and I didn't know and i was sure it wasn't and they were sure it was and OH MY GOODNESS...this is so exciting and now we know and we can buy things and plan things and remember that this is not my baby but just try and stop me being THIS excited about it!
I wish I could post the picture because it is the sweetest little face, with dear little nose and even visible hair. I took a picture of the one picture they got, with my phone and I have no way to get it from the phone to my laptop. I know that seeing that picture makes me long to see that little face for real and kiss it, a lot.
By the miracle of modern technology ( and leads suddenly remembered in pantry, of course)
So it is good news and I hope that tomorrow and then wednesday I can post more good news. We like good news...and baby boys.
I went to the dermatologist this morning, with the clearest, un stripey, unwelty, not a mark on me skin, it's almost laughable isn't it? The one day when I really wanted to be at my stripiest, nothing, not a mark. *sigh*
So in I went and young, sincere and most ernest learning doctor came to see me first, he has been reading all about skin and is keen to see my horrific case of urticaria, undetermined cause.
And as if my some miracle, before our very eyes.....STRIPES! WELTS! BUMPS AND ITCHY BITS. I am, if nothing else, a great floor show.
We chatted and watched and discussed and then he said that this is certainly NOT lupus, which is a very good thing but I cried, fat old desperate tears of frustration because oh dear this is so hard and I am so miserable because it isn't anything and yet my life, my miserable life is just dominated by this thing, this itching, ugly, exhausting thing and if I just had a name and a reason I could just say that I am this way because..........and I can't. I just have this miserable skin and it is ALL IN MY HEAD. That does not mean it isn't real and as far as wednesday and the tribunal goes, this is good because all those months ago, the powers that be decided that I am not depressed, not anxious and not depressed enough to warrant incapacity benefits, I can go out to work because I am FINE ! So, on wednesday I can go and see this whole panel of people and do a party trick, I can produce a pointy stick and write all over my forehead, arms, face and neck ( and even my backside should I be so moved) DISPROVE THIS SUCKERS!
I am depressed that being depressed can make so physically ill, which makes me more ill and more depressed.....I know that somehow I have to kick start my own recovery and I do not want to waste another day of my life with this misery, I think I could do it too if life didn't just keep swinging at me.
When I had finished with being looked at and drawn on ( with a stick...LOOK young learning doctor, see what happens when we draw with sticks on the back of a 45 year old woman with dermographic, something, something, urticaria!) I went to the maternity ward where Mel was waiting after spending the night, Jordan called at 11.30 to say that Mel was bleeding and HURRY. I hurried, she spent the night. After all the infections and what nots, Mels cervix is weak and she bled. All is well but there was to be an ultrasound, to make sure ( WHEEEEEEEEE!)
As we waited in the waiting room, the excitement was palpable, all 3 of us were giggly and guessing and saying how if this time, baby hid it's bits, we would be amused and take it on the chin and not sulk.
At last we went in ( with Mel having drunk 3 gallons of water, sugary lemonade and everything she could to make sure baby was AWAKE and MOVING and NOT SLEEPING DOWN IN THE PELVIS) ho hum, yes yes, head, marvellous, awww look, hair and little frowning brow.....yes, spine, heart tick tick, yes yes thigh bones. Pardon? Did they sex the baby last time? Why no, cord between legs, yes we DO want to know. Hold breath, strain forward, stare and then, she just said it, told us, in a dull flat voice as if ' milk 2 sugars' WHAT? What did you say? Do you have no idea that this is HUGE! How so you can mumble such breath taking and life changing news? All that wondering and waiting and guessing and then, we know. Like that. Milk and 2 sugars, next please. Well.
So we walked outside and talked about it and said how we knew and I didn't know and i was sure it wasn't and they were sure it was and OH MY GOODNESS...this is so exciting and now we know and we can buy things and plan things and remember that this is not my baby but just try and stop me being THIS excited about it!
I wish I could post the picture because it is the sweetest little face, with dear little nose and even visible hair. I took a picture of the one picture they got, with my phone and I have no way to get it from the phone to my laptop. I know that seeing that picture makes me long to see that little face for real and kiss it, a lot.
By the miracle of modern technology ( and leads suddenly remembered in pantry, of course)
So it is good news and I hope that tomorrow and then wednesday I can post more good news. We like good news...and baby boys.
posted by The other me | 8:06 pm
4 Comments:
Here's to good news all around. Certainly you will be anxious enough at the tribunal to produce some hideous marks. Don't let us down!
Oh how sweet! Glad you remembered the cord in your pantry. :)
Good luck at the tribunal. Rooting for you. :)
Oh you little sneak. The suspense was killing me. I so wanted to skip down to find the answer. But, the other part of me wanted to keep going, in order. How exciting to know! I can't believe how nice the picture turned out!!!!
Good luck at your tribunal. Hope it all goes well for you!
So glad you figured it out Helen! :)
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