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The littlest things...
I drove to church this morning and half way there I gasped and said " Oh NO! I forgot to breathe in when I started the car! I am not ready to take that beautiful smell for granted!"
The whole day was filled with moments like that, where I re-noticed things that I take for granted. I have always, from very young known who I am spiritually, I don't doubt that we are here for a reason, that we are part of a bigger plan and that glory can be ours if we strive for it. I often ( but not often enough) wonder how it would feel not to have that surety, to not have the answers that I feel I have for myself. How often I take for granted that my very real beliefs allow me such freedom and comfort. No matter how dire the circumstances, at least my heart knows that it will pass, that eventually things will be OK.
This evening, after Sophie bed was delivered ( and touchingly, it really IS her bed, when she left home 16 months ago, we gave her bed away..today it was given back!) Sophie came in to the front room and said " You don't have any idea, what it feels like, to come home, eat dinner, lie on the sofa and watch TV, have a bath, be able to put PJs on and walk around without having people perv on me, and then go into MY room and sleep in MY bed."
Such simple things, I hope that she never ever takes that for granted again. I am confident that she won't ever take it for granted enough that she spoils it. She has moved back in so slowly, having to earn every step, from a mattress on the floor ( under the dining table) to having the right to bring her clothes in from the shed, to moving the table and chairs out and today, she has a bed, a dresser, her own belongings around her.
I don't think I will take this for granted, every night I go to bed and I sleep for 6 hours, I don't have to sleep with one ear listening for a knock on the door, I don't have to hold my breath waiting for the worst news. I can't imagine I will tire of walking past that room, knowing she is asleep, safe, tired because she was worked another 12 hour day.
I may never know exactly what she has been though in the last 16 months, most of me hopes I never do, self preservation make me not wonder and now things are so much better, I find myself thinking of all the 'what if's' ....they are horrendous and so many of them , oh so many!
When we were living through it, there were days when I thought I couldn't do it, couldn't stick with the tough stuff, it's so much easier to give in, it's easier not to fight but eventually when you give in, when you don't fight, when you take the easy route, inevitably it all comes back to bite you in the bum, with jagged teeth and probably really sharp pointy bits.
I feel very weary, in that glorious way when you have ( if I imagine hard) run a marathon and its time for a hot bath, I do know that there will be hiccups along the way and I am sure I will deal with them as they come, but I am, more every day, starting to feel that we have passed te worst with Sophie. She loves being happy, she enjoys being liked, she thrives on being openly loved ( as opposed to tough loved)
I am enjoying every day but am still having the hardest time letting go, I can tell her I love her, I absolutely tell her that I am proud of her and that she deserves everything she has. I just can't quite let myself relax yet. I suppose 10 years of fighting and battles will do that to a soul, it is bound to take more than a few weeks to undo that.
As long as I can show her just how proud I am of her for fighting her demons and getting where she is right now.
In her own bed, with her own family. Perhaps not such a little thing after all.
The whole day was filled with moments like that, where I re-noticed things that I take for granted. I have always, from very young known who I am spiritually, I don't doubt that we are here for a reason, that we are part of a bigger plan and that glory can be ours if we strive for it. I often ( but not often enough) wonder how it would feel not to have that surety, to not have the answers that I feel I have for myself. How often I take for granted that my very real beliefs allow me such freedom and comfort. No matter how dire the circumstances, at least my heart knows that it will pass, that eventually things will be OK.
This evening, after Sophie bed was delivered ( and touchingly, it really IS her bed, when she left home 16 months ago, we gave her bed away..today it was given back!) Sophie came in to the front room and said " You don't have any idea, what it feels like, to come home, eat dinner, lie on the sofa and watch TV, have a bath, be able to put PJs on and walk around without having people perv on me, and then go into MY room and sleep in MY bed."
Such simple things, I hope that she never ever takes that for granted again. I am confident that she won't ever take it for granted enough that she spoils it. She has moved back in so slowly, having to earn every step, from a mattress on the floor ( under the dining table) to having the right to bring her clothes in from the shed, to moving the table and chairs out and today, she has a bed, a dresser, her own belongings around her.
I don't think I will take this for granted, every night I go to bed and I sleep for 6 hours, I don't have to sleep with one ear listening for a knock on the door, I don't have to hold my breath waiting for the worst news. I can't imagine I will tire of walking past that room, knowing she is asleep, safe, tired because she was worked another 12 hour day.
I may never know exactly what she has been though in the last 16 months, most of me hopes I never do, self preservation make me not wonder and now things are so much better, I find myself thinking of all the 'what if's' ....they are horrendous and so many of them , oh so many!
When we were living through it, there were days when I thought I couldn't do it, couldn't stick with the tough stuff, it's so much easier to give in, it's easier not to fight but eventually when you give in, when you don't fight, when you take the easy route, inevitably it all comes back to bite you in the bum, with jagged teeth and probably really sharp pointy bits.
I feel very weary, in that glorious way when you have ( if I imagine hard) run a marathon and its time for a hot bath, I do know that there will be hiccups along the way and I am sure I will deal with them as they come, but I am, more every day, starting to feel that we have passed te worst with Sophie. She loves being happy, she enjoys being liked, she thrives on being openly loved ( as opposed to tough loved)
I am enjoying every day but am still having the hardest time letting go, I can tell her I love her, I absolutely tell her that I am proud of her and that she deserves everything she has. I just can't quite let myself relax yet. I suppose 10 years of fighting and battles will do that to a soul, it is bound to take more than a few weeks to undo that.
As long as I can show her just how proud I am of her for fighting her demons and getting where she is right now.
In her own bed, with her own family. Perhaps not such a little thing after all.
Labels: Sophie and stuff
posted by The other me | 7:43 pm
6 Comments:
I am proud of Sophie. And I am proud of you.
I have prayed often for you my dear, and for your girl. I cannot imagine how difficult the last 16 months has been. I haven't had to face it day in and day out - but I have laughed and cried with you, and now I rejoice with you and I hold my breath with you - too.
Tough love has to be the hardest and most giving thing a parent can do for their child. I pray that if and when the need arises, that I will be as strong.
No not such a little thing after all. Love you!
Sophie has come such a long way. I knew the day would come when she realize what you knew all along - that she is lovable and beautiful and worthy. I know it has been a rough road and I hope that the road ahead remains bright and promising. It sounds like she is very grateful for the things she has and that will help to keep her focused. You have done a great job with her...your strength and perseverance, your love and determination have all helped to get Sophie where she is today! And of course, she has done a lot as well!
Sophie, enjoy your new bed and the bedroom!
Oh Sophie we are all so proud of you and even more so of your mom. An especially big hug to H, who was able to forgive and allow Sophie to redeem herself.
There might be hiccups along the way but hiccups are temporary. The storm is over. You can now breath and feel your lungs with air and hold your chest out in pride. You are an incredible mother that never ever gave up on her. She is now thanking you for everything that you have done for her! And I thank her for making you so happy!
Her bed will be dressed up really pretty by the end of this week...;)
I'm so glad things are working out for now. My mom is where you were awhile ago with Kayla. She kicked her out on Jamie's birthday and she's been out since. They've been going to counseling but her therapist isn't liking my mom's tough love stratagies, he thinks she needs to conform to Kayla's wills. WHATEVER. My dad has finally seen the light and is standing 100% behind Kayla, as are all of us girls. Shane on the other hand is making things difficult - he's moving Kayla to Kansas (I say good riddens) and hoping for the best. I give it 5 months!
So happy for you and for Sophie. You definitely have had ups and downs along the way (and unfortunately, it's never quite smooth sailing), but I think each step was necessary for her to get to this point.
I'm so thankful for the freedom our beliefs give us, though some may see them as constraints. Thanks for reminding me not to take it all for granted.
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