One step at a time.

This whole losing weight business is so much more than just losing weight. I never quite believe people when they say that they aren't really bothered so much about getting thinner, rather being healthy is more important. I have yet to meet anyone that really means that. I will admit that I want, desperately to look different, I want to quickly notice that the weight is coming off, I need to see and feel the benefits.
I long for the day when it is noticeable, when people start to say that they can see I am thinner, looking better etc, it is I have no shame in saying the number one reason for doing this ( again)
However, there are so many other benefits to losing weight, especially as I get older, things that I would never have thought of had I not been here, been this overweight ( and I am ashamed to say that I am in the morbidly obese category, and not just borderline, I am in with both feet and a huge backside)
I can't sleep without my arms or shoulders going dead, pins and needles, numb arms....that's how heavy I am. The snoring is bad, I wake myself up with snorting and breath holding. Every day things are so much more inconvenient, getting in and out of the car, bending down to pick anything up, my joints are fine and could easily bend but darn it if I don't go to pick something off the floor and that belly stops me in my tracks....who'd have imagined that?
Being a grandma is splendid, more than I ever imagined, what I didn't reckon on was how little lap I have to snuggle Joshua on, I hold him and he slithers off because there just isn't enough room on my lap with this enormous gut of mine already taking up all the space, when he was tiny it was fine because he would snuggle on his tummy, up high on my chest and he was comfy, I was in heaven. Now he is a wriggling little squirmy boy, well it doesn't work so well, he doesn't want to be up over my shoulder he wants to be sitting or standing, he wants to sit on my lap facing out and watch the shenanigans of his uncles. I need to free up some lap space.
I am pleasantly surprised by the fact that I don't have chaffing and sweaty rashes, which I used to have more when I was younger and thinner.
I really hate the chins, I mind that and the fat hands the most, tight shoes and tight sleeves are the surest way to make me grumpy.
My blood pressure is higher than ever and that is my doing, it is purely because I am so heavy and unfit, it is in my power to change that and I certainly aim to do just that.
I am hoping that the thinning hair is to do with poor diet and that as I eat well, that will reverse. I know ageing does cause thinner hair but I am 46, I am not yet old!
I want more energy, I already feel more energetic and I am sure that will increase.
I have given myself a year to make a noticeable difference. It is so hard, when you have such a huge task ahead to feel positive, it seems such an insurmountable climb that it is easy to just not try. It is disheartening to know that in all probability no weight loss will show until I have shed about 40lbs or so, to begin with it will be only me who notices the difference, clothes will be more comfortable ( all my clothes are stretchy so they fit whether I lose or gain, they just get more comfortable!) I will stop aching, my bars won't dig in, maybe I won't need the extenders ( love those things, no matter how much weight I gain these boobs stay a B cup, my back gets fatter and finding bras in a B cup on a bigger size is next to impossible so I buy the size I can find and use strap extenders ( funny how I share all this online to who knows how many people but never mention it in real life, the only way my family know all the personal details is if they read my blog!)
I adore jewellery, bangles and rings are my most favourite thing, given the chance I would wear jangly trinkets in gold, both yellow and white, I would wear pretty shiny things and feel splendid. Fat fingers and pudgy arms put a stop to that, so I am telling myself that as soon as it is possible I am going to indulge my love of all things sparkly. I have never been a clothes horse, I don't find any joy in getting dressed up, simple does it but if I had my way I would have gold on my fingers though not on my toes.
So, much to work towards and look forward to. I am so glad I have the Xenical to keep me on the straight and narrow, I can't see that changing any time soon, I will embrace my fear of incontinence and carry on with the plan.
Such a good feeling to want this, to feel enthusiasm for doing what needs to be done. I do have a really long road ahead of me but step by step I can do it, little by little it will be done. I am planning on making a big deal of the small things. I have to stop looking at what has to be achieved in the end and just concentrate on one thing at a time. I do allow myself a little glimpse into the 'what if's' and imagine how great it would be in a years time if I can be at my goal ( which isn't an unobtainable skinniness with youthful glow.....more an ability to buy clothes in any store I choose and feel less like a blimp.)
I am enjoying making all the great meals again, that in itself is lifting some misery because I was so bored with the same old throw it together and stuff it down routine.
All in all, it is a good time right now, I am aiming to keep it going in that direction. Very good indeed.