well, what do you know?

It is all in my head.
Everything.
Every stupid pain, ache, twinge, fear, worry, anxiety.
In.My.Head.
I have been slithering into the abyss so quickly it quite literally took my breath away, waking up gasping for breath because I stop breathing when I am asleep. I can't quite put my finger on exactly when it started, I do know that around the same time, I stopped eating well, I started to eat some bread here, some chocolate there, some greasy pile of carb in between until I was right back where I used to be, physically and emotionally.
Yesterday, I cried all day, stupid no reason weeping and sinking with every gulping sob.
I have absolutely no reason to be sad. There is not a sad thing anywhere near me. Things are going well ( and the jinx that fairy can sod off because I don't believe in you. Die you stupid fat fairy who waits for people to say how great things are and then jumps in to wreck it all, I'm telling my tale and you can't stop me. ) hunky dory and tickedyboo.
Kids are well and happy ( although Elijah is going through a frustrating phase of eating his clothes, whenever I look at him he is gnawing on some fabric or other and is endlessly walking around with dribble soaked sleeves and collars, I asked him how I can help him stop doing that and he said by buying him clothes that don't taste nice. I asked him if he was worried about anything and he said yes, Nathan taught him a rude poem and he doesn't want to know it. Pretty sure there isn't an underlying traumatic reason for his eating his clothes but what do I know?)
I have been ridiculously easy to offend, quick to react and honestly, getting on my own last nerve.
Last night, when everyone had gone to bed I made myself think about what the hell I am doing and what the hell I can do to stop it.
The answer, naturally, is simple.
I have to stop wondering which came first, the chicken or the egg. Or in my case, whether I started to feel depressed and so stopped eating well or if I stopped eating well and started to feel depressed because for heavens sake, the 2 are absolutely go hand in hand, connected, go together, food + food = misery.
I KNOW that when I eat good food, all those foods I researched and learned about, I feel good, I can move, I can think clearly and I am happy.
When I eat bread, fat and sugar, I am miserable, sluggish and very bad tempered.
How hard can it be to stop doing this to myself?
Yesterday was a reminder that I am doing much of this to myself.
I have gone back to staring at my clothes and being afraid to try them on, if I try them and they are tight I spiral into misery, so rather than risk that I wear the same 3 things over and over because they fit and are comfortable, I like them, I am safe.
When I eat well, even if I don't lose weight ...I don't gain any either so I am happy to pick up and wear whatever I have that I like because I am absolutely sure without guessing that they fit. I love that, I really loved knowing that I was not going to feel uncomfortable. I enjoyed every day of knowing that I was being kind to myself.
I have no idea why I stopped, why I ALWAYS stop, I do know that I am determined to be happy again and am prepared to do what it takes to get back there. I woke up this morning and decided that I am going back to eating myself happy.
It is such an eye opener to start again and realise just how horribly I have been punishing myself again, the most extraordinary thing is, I don't even have fun doing it! I do love chips, can't deny that, the other crap? I really don't even like it that much, I really LOVE good food, it is fiddly to prepare but sometimes that's half the fun, being depressed makes me not want to bother, so I eat junk food, makes me more depressed, less willing to stand and chop and cook and prepare...off we go again.
Stupid head.
I have the choice of 2 trips, I could go to Boston or I could go to Canada, I could...but I won't.
I have allowed myself to fall too far back into the anxious, self loathing mess again to crawl back out in time to do either trip, I admitted that last night, I have flip flopped and planned, I have wanted to and started and then the terror takes over and I plummet back into the pits of despair at how stupid I am and how miserable I feel.
I am happy to have made the decision and chosen to get back out of the gloom, I can't wait to feel good again and positive, to look forward and enjoy.
I feel though that for now, I am going to allow myself to be afraid of flying, to accept that for now, I can't do it and I am going to allow myself to stay close to home and enjoy the people and fun that can be found right here. I also think that my family deserve to have the best of me, when the funny comes back, I want them to see it first, when the daring comes back I want them to be with me when I test it out. When my happy bursts I want them to be covered in it.
These boys are growing so fast that if I blink I miss something, I don't actually want to leave them for a few days in order to have fun, I want to have the fun with them.
H has been in England for nearly 6 years and we have yet to explore most of it. I think it's time to do some of that, lots of it in fact!
I suspect it will take a while to feel better, although just the fact that I made the right decision has lifted me up a notch or 12, every time I thought of junk food today and chose not to eat it, I felt good about that, it's almost dinner time and there is a delicious meal almost ready to eat...that feels good, I feel good. It is a start.
The summer keeps showing it's face and I love the sunshine, things feel so much lighter and more possible when the sun shines, I can add to that great feeling, I am going to add to it.
Every day is a new chance to try, sometimes I will manage it, sometimes maybe I won't but for now, just knowing that I want to try is enough.
Getting through the first day of taking charge, again, is a huge step.
Off we go.

Talkin' the talk!

Here follows a public service announcement, for myself, by myself on behalf of all trying to be healthiers on this planet that find it SO HARD!
I am teetering on the brink, right at the point where, at every other time I have been in the journey I have given in. There is never a day when I wake up and think " That's enough! Stuff my face time, enough of this healthy stuff, time to hate myself again" I just begin to tell myself more and more that 'this little bit won't hurt' or ' oh just once isn't going to ruin it all' or how about ' oh I have been so good, for so long, I deserve a day off ' that's a good one! I've been doing that, feeling bad about it but doing it anyway.
The difference is, this time I know I am doing it and I am hanging on to that fact.
Every day I manage to stop myself more often than I give in, I am eating more than I was when I was gung ho! and look at me! I am eating considerably less than I used to. I have been thinking back to the days when I was really on a self destruct mission and I am so desperate never to go there again. If I can keep going until I reach a weight that feels right, I have it made, the way I am living lately is exactly how I need to live to maintain a good weight, it is not good for living when I need to lose considerably more weight.
I am still almost afraid of losing the weight, I still insist on wearing huge clothes, at least 2 sizes too big, they make me feel safe somehow, I want to work on that and although I have thrown out all the super baggy clothes, I need to wave goodbye to others that I know make me look bigger than I actually am.
In December, Cathy gave me a bracelet that fit exactly around my wrist, it wasn't tight but it fit and it didn't move. It now slips all over the place and hangs down when I put my hand by my side, for some bizarre reason, that almost freaks me out!
I have reached the point, where every other time I have lost weight, I panic and pile it all back on again. This time I know that and am fighting with all I have not to do it.
I wish I knew what it was that switched on and off the 'good to me' button!
I sat down today and thought hard about what I can do, it's not as easy as just telling myself to eat well and think positively, if only it was..... the eating thing is like a compulsion, one only someone with an addiction can relate to. The thing is, I am done with feeling self hatred, I am sick of not liking myself, I am tired of feeling self conscious, of endlessly pulling my shirts down, of checking that my backside is covered, of glimpsing myself in a shop window and just dying a bit.
The picture in my header is a great one but it is really a fluke, the angle was great and somehow I look so much younger and thinner that I really am..but it IS me, it shows me that I could REALLY look like that if I just keep going. I have to keep going. I have to find a way to WANT to keep going.
Today I went on a rampage through the house, I cleaned the fridge, made room for great food, I cleaned cupboards and I planned.
Tomorrow I am going shopping and I am buying good food, plenty of it, fresh food, great food, exciting food.
I have made sugar free jellies, sliced a honeydew melon, the fridge is ready to be filled.
I got a rowing machine from freecycle and can collect tomorrow.
I am going right back to day one, which was hard and am starting again. Day by day, not thinking about how long I have been doing this or how much longer I have to this.
I have set a goal to be at least one size smaller by the time the weather warms up.
One day at a time, one size at a time, one battle at a time but I am not giving in. Not this time.
I know that I want to enjoy the summer, I want to love the heat and the sunshine, enjoy sitting on the beach, I love the summer. I will enjoy it even more if I am not carrying around a ton of fat with sweaty folds!
No matter how scary it is to imagine being thin ( and why IS it scary? What is it that is so frightening about it?) thinking of staying like this is worse, imagining gaining back anything I have already lost is terrifying and depressing beyond words. I really hope it's depressing enough to stop me doing it.
This must be so boring to read but I want it all down here so that when I am done, when I am confident and happy with my ageing, saggy but oh so slim body I can come back and read what a bloody ordeal it all was. It is here to stop me telling people how easy it was and how I just cut down on food and moved more and LOOK AT SKINNY I AM!
Can you be more annoying than that? I hate reading how people lost 100lbs and how EASY it was and how they just cut down and walked up the road sometimes and what d'ya know SKINNY! Liars. Bloody lairs actually. They ALL had to have days when they ranted and whined and cursed the fat gene. Not one of them woke up every morning and clapped their hands because WHOOHOO here we go, another day of watching every morsel that passes their lips, another day of thinking about food and not eating a lot of it.
I like doing this more when the weather is better and there is so much more to do, I don't think about food when I am really busy and engrossed in what I am doing. Once the house is picked up, well there isn't a whole lot else to do is there? No pleasant walks in busy towns or along the beach ( and I find that the older I get, the less I enjoy walking on the beach if my face is being sliced in two by that cutting wind)
I have made the promise that this next week, no matter what the weather, I am taking the boys out EVERY DAY, we will go to a park or the moors, some grassy area, anywhere....we will and we will enjoy it dammit.
Fresh air and busy busy, sitting around and getting more and more uptight about the noise and mess, waiting for summer is not conducive to sticking with the plan.
I think I convinced myself for another day or two.....thank goodness for that, I'm going to bed, I have some fresh air and enthusiastic living to get on with in the morning.

One step at a time.

This whole losing weight business is so much more than just losing weight. I never quite believe people when they say that they aren't really bothered so much about getting thinner, rather being healthy is more important. I have yet to meet anyone that really means that. I will admit that I want, desperately to look different, I want to quickly notice that the weight is coming off, I need to see and feel the benefits.
I long for the day when it is noticeable, when people start to say that they can see I am thinner, looking better etc, it is I have no shame in saying the number one reason for doing this ( again)
However, there are so many other benefits to losing weight, especially as I get older, things that I would never have thought of had I not been here, been this overweight ( and I am ashamed to say that I am in the morbidly obese category, and not just borderline, I am in with both feet and a huge backside)
I can't sleep without my arms or shoulders going dead, pins and needles, numb arms....that's how heavy I am. The snoring is bad, I wake myself up with snorting and breath holding. Every day things are so much more inconvenient, getting in and out of the car, bending down to pick anything up, my joints are fine and could easily bend but darn it if I don't go to pick something off the floor and that belly stops me in my tracks....who'd have imagined that?
Being a grandma is splendid, more than I ever imagined, what I didn't reckon on was how little lap I have to snuggle Joshua on, I hold him and he slithers off because there just isn't enough room on my lap with this enormous gut of mine already taking up all the space, when he was tiny it was fine because he would snuggle on his tummy, up high on my chest and he was comfy, I was in heaven. Now he is a wriggling little squirmy boy, well it doesn't work so well, he doesn't want to be up over my shoulder he wants to be sitting or standing, he wants to sit on my lap facing out and watch the shenanigans of his uncles. I need to free up some lap space.
I am pleasantly surprised by the fact that I don't have chaffing and sweaty rashes, which I used to have more when I was younger and thinner.
I really hate the chins, I mind that and the fat hands the most, tight shoes and tight sleeves are the surest way to make me grumpy.
My blood pressure is higher than ever and that is my doing, it is purely because I am so heavy and unfit, it is in my power to change that and I certainly aim to do just that.
I am hoping that the thinning hair is to do with poor diet and that as I eat well, that will reverse. I know ageing does cause thinner hair but I am 46, I am not yet old!
I want more energy, I already feel more energetic and I am sure that will increase.
I have given myself a year to make a noticeable difference. It is so hard, when you have such a huge task ahead to feel positive, it seems such an insurmountable climb that it is easy to just not try. It is disheartening to know that in all probability no weight loss will show until I have shed about 40lbs or so, to begin with it will be only me who notices the difference, clothes will be more comfortable ( all my clothes are stretchy so they fit whether I lose or gain, they just get more comfortable!) I will stop aching, my bars won't dig in, maybe I won't need the extenders ( love those things, no matter how much weight I gain these boobs stay a B cup, my back gets fatter and finding bras in a B cup on a bigger size is next to impossible so I buy the size I can find and use strap extenders ( funny how I share all this online to who knows how many people but never mention it in real life, the only way my family know all the personal details is if they read my blog!)
I adore jewellery, bangles and rings are my most favourite thing, given the chance I would wear jangly trinkets in gold, both yellow and white, I would wear pretty shiny things and feel splendid. Fat fingers and pudgy arms put a stop to that, so I am telling myself that as soon as it is possible I am going to indulge my love of all things sparkly. I have never been a clothes horse, I don't find any joy in getting dressed up, simple does it but if I had my way I would have gold on my fingers though not on my toes.
So, much to work towards and look forward to. I am so glad I have the Xenical to keep me on the straight and narrow, I can't see that changing any time soon, I will embrace my fear of incontinence and carry on with the plan.
Such a good feeling to want this, to feel enthusiasm for doing what needs to be done. I do have a really long road ahead of me but step by step I can do it, little by little it will be done. I am planning on making a big deal of the small things. I have to stop looking at what has to be achieved in the end and just concentrate on one thing at a time. I do allow myself a little glimpse into the 'what if's' and imagine how great it would be in a years time if I can be at my goal ( which isn't an unobtainable skinniness with youthful glow.....more an ability to buy clothes in any store I choose and feel less like a blimp.)
I am enjoying making all the great meals again, that in itself is lifting some misery because I was so bored with the same old throw it together and stuff it down routine.
All in all, it is a good time right now, I am aiming to keep it going in that direction. Very good indeed.

It's like magic!

So, yesterday I went to see my Dr and filled her in on the latest in the saga that is my life. WE chatted and she said that she had noticed that she hadn't seen me since April and wondering whether that was a very good thing or a really really bad thing.
"Bit of both", said I. Things have been great which meant I fell apart for a while, stayed behind closed doors to enjoy my madness in perfect solitude, got over it and here I was, ready to take on the world and take off some fat.
Never once, ever, has a doctor ever told me I should lose weight, which I find remarkable, I think they have been more concerned with my mental state than the physical maybe. Anyway I told Dr lovely lady that I was ready to do something about it. I have to say that I am not a bit excited or enthusiastic about it, I am not at all YEAY! Watch ME...this is it world I am going to conquer and win!
I am much more...oh, dear, would you look at that chin and neck and belly and arms, I have what is delightful and touching on a baby, the afterthought wrists. Those ' oh look, God forgot the hands and screwed then on afterwards' kind of wrists. Not good on a 46 year old.
I am much more huffing and puffing and grumbling about how bloody long this is going to take before anything is even noticeable.
The good thing is, I have some help and it is such a help I tell you what.
I got a prescription for Xenical. I had it before and it really worked, when I took it. The trouble is, I stopped taking it because I was all marvellous and in the swing, I knew how to eat well now and didn't need it, which was true to an extent.
Let me tell you, when you are as private and I am, when you are so loathe to let anyone see that despite anything I might try to pretend, I do actually have to use the lavatory, the very idea that if you eat any fat you could quite possibly poo yourself in the supermarket without warning...well I tell you this, that is 100% guaranteed to make you walk past the chocolate, crisps, cookies and head for the red grapes.
The possibility that you might fart and shame yourself in public will really REALLY make you shudder at the sight of real butter.
I looked at the box this morning and I sighed, took out a blue capsule and swallowed it. MAGIC....I went shopping and my fridge is filled with colourful, none incontinent making goodies. I ran past the chips and dip shelves, I sneered at the chocolate covered peanuts and I hugged my bag of grapes because they are delicious and juicy and will not make me soil myself.
I am going to take these every day, like it or not. I am going to the Drs every 2 weeks to get weighed and have my blood pressure taken. I am on the brink of having to have my blood pressure meds increased and I am not about to let that happen. I Am 46 not 76, my high blood pressure is my own doing, my poor body is lugging around an extra 96lbs or so. My knees are complaining, I wheeze when I walk up a hill as my little boys run up it without a second thought.
Even when ( and it will happen) I am in the habit of eating well and it doesn't seem like some terrible form of torture anymore, I will keep taking these tablets because I cannot trust myself to stick with it. I will start to tell myself that 'just one' ice cream because we are out and it is hot, won't hurt.
I will dip into the crisps as Eli snacks, I will tell myself that fish and chips on friday is the law and anyway I have been great all week, haven't I?
If I keep taking those tablets I will remain as afraid of the consequences as I am today, it will never ever be a risk worth taking to eat fatty foods. Never. Perish the thought. Ewwwwwww.
I am hoping that as the days go by the enthusiasm will come, that I will wake up and feel excited about all the great things I can eat and feed my family, feel marvellous and healthy, happy to be living so well. I have felt that before and I kept my diet blog, I loved charting the delicious recipes, taking pictures, adapting foods to my own taste, I really got the biggest thrill from the weight loss widget thing I had.
I want to lose weight, it is a result I am loooking for, as well as just feeling better again. Not getting stuck when I am on the floor and having to crawl to a chair to hoist my fat arse up off the carpet. Many reasons for starting again.
I am going to start the diet blog again, because it helps me, it gives me a focus and I am glad I never deleted it because it has some great dinner ideas on there.
I am remembering just how delicious a warm pitta with wafer thin ham can be.
I am even ( oh help me) going to try and walk this mammoth hill we live on once a day, without stopping for breath....my poor body won't know what is happening to it for a while and I suspect my head is going to give me a hard time. Tough luck head, body is falling apart, try not to think about all that stuff you have been stuffed with and hanging onto for so long...try letting the new ideas in and welcoming them. Give it a go.