Talkin' the talk!

Here follows a public service announcement, for myself, by myself on behalf of all trying to be healthiers on this planet that find it SO HARD!
I am teetering on the brink, right at the point where, at every other time I have been in the journey I have given in. There is never a day when I wake up and think " That's enough! Stuff my face time, enough of this healthy stuff, time to hate myself again" I just begin to tell myself more and more that 'this little bit won't hurt' or ' oh just once isn't going to ruin it all' or how about ' oh I have been so good, for so long, I deserve a day off ' that's a good one! I've been doing that, feeling bad about it but doing it anyway.
The difference is, this time I know I am doing it and I am hanging on to that fact.
Every day I manage to stop myself more often than I give in, I am eating more than I was when I was gung ho! and look at me! I am eating considerably less than I used to. I have been thinking back to the days when I was really on a self destruct mission and I am so desperate never to go there again. If I can keep going until I reach a weight that feels right, I have it made, the way I am living lately is exactly how I need to live to maintain a good weight, it is not good for living when I need to lose considerably more weight.
I am still almost afraid of losing the weight, I still insist on wearing huge clothes, at least 2 sizes too big, they make me feel safe somehow, I want to work on that and although I have thrown out all the super baggy clothes, I need to wave goodbye to others that I know make me look bigger than I actually am.
In December, Cathy gave me a bracelet that fit exactly around my wrist, it wasn't tight but it fit and it didn't move. It now slips all over the place and hangs down when I put my hand by my side, for some bizarre reason, that almost freaks me out!
I have reached the point, where every other time I have lost weight, I panic and pile it all back on again. This time I know that and am fighting with all I have not to do it.
I wish I knew what it was that switched on and off the 'good to me' button!
I sat down today and thought hard about what I can do, it's not as easy as just telling myself to eat well and think positively, if only it was..... the eating thing is like a compulsion, one only someone with an addiction can relate to. The thing is, I am done with feeling self hatred, I am sick of not liking myself, I am tired of feeling self conscious, of endlessly pulling my shirts down, of checking that my backside is covered, of glimpsing myself in a shop window and just dying a bit.
The picture in my header is a great one but it is really a fluke, the angle was great and somehow I look so much younger and thinner that I really am..but it IS me, it shows me that I could REALLY look like that if I just keep going. I have to keep going. I have to find a way to WANT to keep going.
Today I went on a rampage through the house, I cleaned the fridge, made room for great food, I cleaned cupboards and I planned.
Tomorrow I am going shopping and I am buying good food, plenty of it, fresh food, great food, exciting food.
I have made sugar free jellies, sliced a honeydew melon, the fridge is ready to be filled.
I got a rowing machine from freecycle and can collect tomorrow.
I am going right back to day one, which was hard and am starting again. Day by day, not thinking about how long I have been doing this or how much longer I have to this.
I have set a goal to be at least one size smaller by the time the weather warms up.
One day at a time, one size at a time, one battle at a time but I am not giving in. Not this time.
I know that I want to enjoy the summer, I want to love the heat and the sunshine, enjoy sitting on the beach, I love the summer. I will enjoy it even more if I am not carrying around a ton of fat with sweaty folds!
No matter how scary it is to imagine being thin ( and why IS it scary? What is it that is so frightening about it?) thinking of staying like this is worse, imagining gaining back anything I have already lost is terrifying and depressing beyond words. I really hope it's depressing enough to stop me doing it.
This must be so boring to read but I want it all down here so that when I am done, when I am confident and happy with my ageing, saggy but oh so slim body I can come back and read what a bloody ordeal it all was. It is here to stop me telling people how easy it was and how I just cut down on food and moved more and LOOK AT SKINNY I AM!
Can you be more annoying than that? I hate reading how people lost 100lbs and how EASY it was and how they just cut down and walked up the road sometimes and what d'ya know SKINNY! Liars. Bloody lairs actually. They ALL had to have days when they ranted and whined and cursed the fat gene. Not one of them woke up every morning and clapped their hands because WHOOHOO here we go, another day of watching every morsel that passes their lips, another day of thinking about food and not eating a lot of it.
I like doing this more when the weather is better and there is so much more to do, I don't think about food when I am really busy and engrossed in what I am doing. Once the house is picked up, well there isn't a whole lot else to do is there? No pleasant walks in busy towns or along the beach ( and I find that the older I get, the less I enjoy walking on the beach if my face is being sliced in two by that cutting wind)
I have made the promise that this next week, no matter what the weather, I am taking the boys out EVERY DAY, we will go to a park or the moors, some grassy area, anywhere....we will and we will enjoy it dammit.
Fresh air and busy busy, sitting around and getting more and more uptight about the noise and mess, waiting for summer is not conducive to sticking with the plan.
I think I convinced myself for another day or two.....thank goodness for that, I'm going to bed, I have some fresh air and enthusiastic living to get on with in the morning.