Well.. that's off on a tangent!

So tomorrow is the day for lovers. Good luck to them I say.
There is something so troubling about February 14th, being told that THIS is the day you will be showered with tokens of adoration. Gah.
As a teenager it was painful. That terrible feeling of anticipation, wondering if there is anyone secretly pining for me, longing for this day to unveil his adoration.
Not even once.
In England, valentines day is for lovers, it has nothing to do with children and hoorah for that! Kids have their days and parties and fun this and gifts that, Valentines day is for lovers to reveal their inner most feelings, to surprise fancies and declare undying love.
I would go to school and see anonymous cards being flashed about and all the squealing and wondering who this can be from ( and now I am old and cynical I suspect more than half were sent from parents to avoid all the wailing about how NO-BODY LOVES ME!!!!!! )
I have been married twice and still, somehow managed to miss out on the whole Valentine's day worshipping.
There have been times when I wanted the fuss, where I would think that just this one day would it hurt to pretend at least? Not so much anymore.
I see that H is not romantic, his first one tells me he used to be but I suspect that any show of adoration there will almost certainly have been more for a quiet life or because he was told what to do and when ( although telling H to do something or even hinting at it will almost certainly ensure he does entirely the opposite, maybe he was more malleable when he was young and more interested in the physical rewards for superficial fripperies. ) Lately, I suspect he is quite deeply depressed and even if, as he is sure to have been aware of the plethora of hearts and flowers everywhere we turn, given that he scarcely leaves the house unless it is to walk the boys to school, or go to church maybe he hasn't even seen any of it, if he has I don't suppose he cares much.
I am worried about him because I have never seen him so withdrawn or miserable. He is switched off pretty much all day every day and once the boys have gone to bed he plugs his earphones in and watches whatever he watches on his laptop. H doesn't do talking, asking him if there is anything I Can do will push him further into himself, pushing the matter will cause nothing but anger. All I can do for now, is to let him know I see what is happening and tell him that he should do something about it.
He isn't sleeping at night and is awake usually from 1am until 4, 5 or 6......he looks terrible, grey and pale, disinterested and bored. Depressed in a nutshell. Homesick for sure. I know how he feels, it is quite the most terrible feeling to be so far from home and not know when or if you will ever go back, I understand that, I really do....the difference is, here we are safe, we have a home, we are secure and have health care and a future. In L.A we had nothing but grandpa's house and a ton of fear.
H is 50 in August, I want very much to be able to get him back to L.A for his birthday, he would love it, he needs something lovely to look forward to, he is such a family man he wouldn't want to go alone, if I ask him if he would like to go and visit with his dad he asks why I would want him to go without us and asks if I don't want the boys to go too..yes I do, I really want ALL of us to go, who wouldn't want 3 weeks in California in the sun? Ohhhhhhh but 11 hours on the plane and all that scrimping and saving and penny pinching and no you can't /we can't-ing.
I have mentioned it to him and just tested the waters and he lit up and then crumpled and said
"yeah, that's a thought huh? But we shouldn't get too excited too early in case we can't do it"
Which really, doesn't that make you want to sell your everything just to make it happen? Anyone need some half burned Christmas candles and gazillion go-go crazy bones? ( yes, I would sell those because for heavens sake how many times do I have to pick those damned things up?)

The thing I first fell head over heels with was H's smile.



He has the best smile, it never fails to stop me in my tracks, when H finds something amusing, I find it amusing because his whole face lights up, I will watch re-runs of 'The Royle Family' over and over because he finds it so hysterically funny, even having seen every episode a dozen times or more ( and so do I, there is one episode where Nana farts that makes me cry til I almost fart myself) There was a never before seen episode on at Christmas and I thought the pair of us would die laughing.
I miss his smile. I see it sometimes but it is fleeting and doesn't quite touch his eyes these days.
Darn February! The man need sunshine even more than I do and that's a real huge lot I tell you!
Oh how I love the sun.

So, Valentines day...did anyone ever tell you that I can wander off a subject a bit sometimes? Who cares if I get flowers or chocolates ( please, no chocolates this whole discipline thing is tough enough with the cold and let me eat comfort foods and lovely stodgy stuff) You can keep all the fluff and the fuss, a face splitting smile from H will do for me.