well, what do you know?

It is all in my head.
Everything.
Every stupid pain, ache, twinge, fear, worry, anxiety.
In.My.Head.
I have been slithering into the abyss so quickly it quite literally took my breath away, waking up gasping for breath because I stop breathing when I am asleep. I can't quite put my finger on exactly when it started, I do know that around the same time, I stopped eating well, I started to eat some bread here, some chocolate there, some greasy pile of carb in between until I was right back where I used to be, physically and emotionally.
Yesterday, I cried all day, stupid no reason weeping and sinking with every gulping sob.
I have absolutely no reason to be sad. There is not a sad thing anywhere near me. Things are going well ( and the jinx that fairy can sod off because I don't believe in you. Die you stupid fat fairy who waits for people to say how great things are and then jumps in to wreck it all, I'm telling my tale and you can't stop me. ) hunky dory and tickedyboo.
Kids are well and happy ( although Elijah is going through a frustrating phase of eating his clothes, whenever I look at him he is gnawing on some fabric or other and is endlessly walking around with dribble soaked sleeves and collars, I asked him how I can help him stop doing that and he said by buying him clothes that don't taste nice. I asked him if he was worried about anything and he said yes, Nathan taught him a rude poem and he doesn't want to know it. Pretty sure there isn't an underlying traumatic reason for his eating his clothes but what do I know?)
I have been ridiculously easy to offend, quick to react and honestly, getting on my own last nerve.
Last night, when everyone had gone to bed I made myself think about what the hell I am doing and what the hell I can do to stop it.
The answer, naturally, is simple.
I have to stop wondering which came first, the chicken or the egg. Or in my case, whether I started to feel depressed and so stopped eating well or if I stopped eating well and started to feel depressed because for heavens sake, the 2 are absolutely go hand in hand, connected, go together, food + food = misery.
I KNOW that when I eat good food, all those foods I researched and learned about, I feel good, I can move, I can think clearly and I am happy.
When I eat bread, fat and sugar, I am miserable, sluggish and very bad tempered.
How hard can it be to stop doing this to myself?
Yesterday was a reminder that I am doing much of this to myself.
I have gone back to staring at my clothes and being afraid to try them on, if I try them and they are tight I spiral into misery, so rather than risk that I wear the same 3 things over and over because they fit and are comfortable, I like them, I am safe.
When I eat well, even if I don't lose weight ...I don't gain any either so I am happy to pick up and wear whatever I have that I like because I am absolutely sure without guessing that they fit. I love that, I really loved knowing that I was not going to feel uncomfortable. I enjoyed every day of knowing that I was being kind to myself.
I have no idea why I stopped, why I ALWAYS stop, I do know that I am determined to be happy again and am prepared to do what it takes to get back there. I woke up this morning and decided that I am going back to eating myself happy.
It is such an eye opener to start again and realise just how horribly I have been punishing myself again, the most extraordinary thing is, I don't even have fun doing it! I do love chips, can't deny that, the other crap? I really don't even like it that much, I really LOVE good food, it is fiddly to prepare but sometimes that's half the fun, being depressed makes me not want to bother, so I eat junk food, makes me more depressed, less willing to stand and chop and cook and prepare...off we go again.
Stupid head.
I have the choice of 2 trips, I could go to Boston or I could go to Canada, I could...but I won't.
I have allowed myself to fall too far back into the anxious, self loathing mess again to crawl back out in time to do either trip, I admitted that last night, I have flip flopped and planned, I have wanted to and started and then the terror takes over and I plummet back into the pits of despair at how stupid I am and how miserable I feel.
I am happy to have made the decision and chosen to get back out of the gloom, I can't wait to feel good again and positive, to look forward and enjoy.
I feel though that for now, I am going to allow myself to be afraid of flying, to accept that for now, I can't do it and I am going to allow myself to stay close to home and enjoy the people and fun that can be found right here. I also think that my family deserve to have the best of me, when the funny comes back, I want them to see it first, when the daring comes back I want them to be with me when I test it out. When my happy bursts I want them to be covered in it.
These boys are growing so fast that if I blink I miss something, I don't actually want to leave them for a few days in order to have fun, I want to have the fun with them.
H has been in England for nearly 6 years and we have yet to explore most of it. I think it's time to do some of that, lots of it in fact!
I suspect it will take a while to feel better, although just the fact that I made the right decision has lifted me up a notch or 12, every time I thought of junk food today and chose not to eat it, I felt good about that, it's almost dinner time and there is a delicious meal almost ready to eat...that feels good, I feel good. It is a start.
The summer keeps showing it's face and I love the sunshine, things feel so much lighter and more possible when the sun shines, I can add to that great feeling, I am going to add to it.
Every day is a new chance to try, sometimes I will manage it, sometimes maybe I won't but for now, just knowing that I want to try is enough.
Getting through the first day of taking charge, again, is a huge step.
Off we go.