Fluffy.

This has been a horrible week ( apart from the shout outs which I have to say are FABULOUS, I love to hear from you, please keep them coming!)
Sickness has hit us and it's a weird sickness, Eli had a fleeting and impressive puke on Sunday, Seth was sick from monday until today, I have been sick from monday until still, STILL .... today Isaac has been pretty much in one place all day, if he moved he felt ill, so far no puking ( oh please no puking!)
I have been in a funk all week, really grumpy and whiny and shaking inside. It takes me forever but more often than not the cause of my woes will become apparent and then I am half way to climbing out of it.
I have another tribunal on monday, I thought I didn't care about it but it turns out I do.
There is nothing like knowing you are going to have to sit in front of a panel of total strangers and explain your life to make you think about your life is there?
The thing is, I like my life. I am safe in my tiny world of routine and eccentricities. sometimes I like to break out of the routine ( the endless routine, save me) on the whole though, life is OK, I just wish people would let me live it without asking me how it makes me FEEEEEEEEEL dear life, sometimes it is glorious to just get on with it...do we have to FEEEEEEEL all the time?
Before we met ( and here is one example of how I was somehow swept along and carried into marrying H because WHAT DID HE SAY?!?!?) H and I were talking ( because we did that, before we got married, so much so that I suspect we ran out, H used all his word up, all of them) and he said "You know, emotions are what make other people behave irrationally. "







Which is sort of true but goodness me, HELL!

When you live with someone, I think that you sort of take on a lot of their traits. Maybe I should say that living with H, I have taken on many of his traits because it's easier. I used to be like Sophie, my parents would BEG me to just shut up..please stop talking for 20 minutes, see if you can...you can't.
Now though, meh....what's the point?
I thought that changing so much would be a sad thing but actually, H, in his weird and bizarre way is so often right.
We are told that we should express our love often, never go to bed without making sure your spouse has been told they are loved.
Not for H that. At some stage in his life he has been told " I love you" by someone who didn't SHOW him they loved him. This person would say it over and over all the while behaving in a way contrary to those words.
The result of that experience is that H really does not like the words " I love you" they make his skin crawl, he has been known to react very badly to hearing those words. He says don't tell him, show him. Fair enough, there are times when I would love to hear him tell me he loves me, I never lack seeing that he loves me. I'll take that.
Then there are the times, like this evening, when he says, quite out of the blue " Who is my number one woman?" and my sluggish old heart skips like it's 16 again and I know that he has so many things so right.
I have been quite cross with him this week, it's the most extraordinary thing but once a month, without fail, he turns from the perfect man into a complete arse, I can't understand it at all, incredible to me that he can change so much for about 3 days and then all of a sudden he is splendid again. I try not to comment on it because he is, after all, human and we all have to slip every now and then but it can be quite frustrating when he becomes so irritating, without any warning, right when I am feeling sort of fragile and weepy anyway. Marriage is such hard work isn't it?
What was I talking about? Oh yes, tribunals. So, on monday I am going to a different place ( because I know where that other place is now, having been there 3 times, that would have been easy wouldn't it?) and I will just do it, answer whatever they ask me and get out of there. I don't know what I am anymore, every day is different I care more what they say about me though...unkempt still stings and I feel up in arms about the 'blank and vacant expression' I feel like I try so hard to be cheery and give the impression that everything is hunky dory because well, actually it IS pretty damn good lately.
I am more and more aware of how lucky I am. I see more that others are not as blessed as I am.
I am more aware of what is going on outside of my small world, some of it is beyond my being able to change it so I don't dwell on it, I can't stop wars, I cannot stamp out poverty or child slavery, I don't watch the news, it's a safety valve, if I can't change it, don't tell me about it ( and yes, I am glad that not everybody thinks this way or no-one would ever change anything)
What I am trying to do is to change what small things I can alter in my world.
Wouldn't it be great to be able to change the world, make a huge difference, deliver dreams? How great that so many people achieve that, while the rest of us just imagine what a great thing that would be.
What I have decided is that I, and therefore my family, will change what little we can change. We will notice and appreciate, we will serve and be grateful, we will uplift and create whatever goodness we are able to.
I really believe that to achieve real happiness you have to give as much of it away as you can manage, happiness rots when you try to hold onto it, when you grab it and snatch it, grip it and squeeze it, it bruises and runs like sand through your fingers.
If you touch it and quickly pass it along, it multiplies. If you see it and throw it to the person closest to you, it bounces back.
I am beginning to think that my medicine is kicking in...am I flitting from one thing to another or what today? I'm about to start writing about butterflies and pansies.....night night.