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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Well, fancy that. ( and some pictures for good measure!)

So, sometimes, I will think something, which leads to another thought, which then leads to a light bulb moment of dazzling understanding. I had one of those yesterday, I like those moments, when I understand myself a bit better.
For the longest time I have had problems with seeing men wearing suits, driving posh cars. When I see one of these men, I feel a sad sort of longing, as though THAT'S what I want, a man with a great job and a flash car ...that feeling is swiftly followed by feelings of such shame and embarrassment that I feel as if I should skuttle off and find a cosy rock to crawl under. I had no idea why I felt that way because, whilst I like nice things, they really don't mean enough for me to sacrifice what we have in order to chase after them. A choice between a flash car and having H right here, doing what he does with our boys isn't actually even a choice, not even worth considering. What we have together and with these children is priceless, it is everlasting and it is exactly what I always wanted.
So why those feelings? Why the yearning when I see a working man? Actually when I see the man over the road come home from work, in his contractors van I get the same emotion...so why? Well yesterday I worked it out.
As a woman, we have enormous power, we are far from the weaker sex and I think we own it all!
I get these feelings about a working man because I had such ideas when I was younger, I could hardly wait to be a wife and run a home, to have children and I pretty much knew how I would do it! Oh how foolish we can be!
I married the first one, who was in the army and so from the very start things were nothing like I imagined. Months alone, then he'd come back and interfere with the great routine I had going..then we'd get used to him being home and off he'd go again! We moved too many times and so feeling at home and settled was hard.
He never saw himself as married and after he left I discovered that he had behaved as though he were single whenever he was away, what a man!
Then followed 10 years of being single, with all those added extras thrown in for good measure.
Marrying H was like a turmoil, every stress and worrisome detail came out way, new family, 4 big kids, 3 in a new country, 1 with exceptional issues, H and I having been independent, single people for 10 and 11 years respectively, a pregnancy immediately...wow what a time THAT was. I loved the fact that he was working and coming home every dinner time though, I felt as though THIS was my dream. At last.
I thrived with the routine, early mornings, everyone leaving for school and work, all day to do 'my thing' My home was beautiful, the kids settled, I was in heaven.
Of course, things never work out the way we plan them and one thing after another led us to where we are now.
I worked out that my yearning for how things were, how they will never be again, is down to the idea that I have ( and which, of course is right because they are MY ideas, I feel it, so it's true!) that being married to a man who works all day, comes home at night and leaves the rest to me means this.
Man is out all day, woman is in charge, runs the house, does a great job...feels great.
Kids are home with mum and see her more than dad...mum wins!
Husband is out all day ( oh joy!) comes home in time for a little while with kids..more time with wife.
That means that the woman wins all round, she is in control of the house, is closer to her children than the dad and is closer to her husband than the children are. Somehow she gets the lion share of all the good stuff.
This is not necessarily a good way to feel but to me it is true, marvellously selfish and 'in your face' look at me, I win!
So what I'm saying is that all that yearning for the man in a white shirt is not actually anything to do with money of prestige it's all about ME. What I yearn for is more that feeling of being in control, of being number 1. The way our lives are means that I feel very much at the bottom of the important pile.
H and the boys have it all going on, he is to them, the be all and end all, they enjoy the same things, they think the same way ( heaven help me and to a degree Eli because we are so normal, we don't stand a hope when the others get on a roll!) H is capable and able, he does things here beautifully, I often feel redundant. I admit that I hold the purse strings, I am really really good at things to do with finances, I am thrifty and make what we have stretch and stretch some more. H is not good with money...he talks as though he is now but in all honesty he can say what he likes, this is my territory, I have proven that we are considerably better off when I do things my way. I'm not letting go anytime soon because that is really the only way I get now-a-days, to feel as though I rule at something.
Sometimes, I don't like feeling so much like the after thought, I think we all long to be number one and irreplaceable ( And actually, when I think about it, I am irreplaceable because I am sure that no-one else could deal with this lot!) Then I stand back and look at what I have and Heavens to Betsy! Eat your heart out world! I have a man here who does it all ( except laundry and bed changing) he spends more time with the boys than any other man I have ever met ( because he can, although even when he was working he really did walk in the door and step right up to dad duties) He is kind, funny and loving. He has the odd moment of trying to tell me how best to spend the money...with a swift reminder he shuts up and lets me get on with it again.
I am astounded at how well H and I get along considering we are together 24 hours a day ( almost, I do go out during the day and leave him here to bask in the glorious silence.) He really is my friend I like him very much..how cool is that? Every time I think I know him inside out he changes his mind and for goodness sake who IS he? That helps to keep things interesting.
I think, actually, that given the choice to be the wife of a posh car driving, white shirt wearing, home for the evening man or H, as he is.....I've got what I always wanted, without knowing I even wanted it! That is marvellous isn't it?
Maybe it's the car I was after all along..forget the man driving it, just let ME have the car and by jimminy if life wouldn't be just about perfect.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

The first thing I shall buy, should I ever win the lottery, is a car for my sweet Helen who is so much more important than she'll ever know or realize.

3:33 pm  
Blogger G said...

Julie, as usual, spoke it beautifully. I hope that sometimes you do feel #1. Cause you are certainly tops in our book!!

HUGS!!!

5:52 pm  
Blogger Jenn said...

I love the pictures. I think you have what so many people in life want. A wonderful husband - kids who adore you, and friends who think you walk on water (just a little bit).
Love you.
j.

9:49 pm  
Blogger MamaTink said...

I can't say it any better than the three lovely people above me there... but I think you're funny, and beautiful and brilliant in ways we can all dream of ever being.
~lisa~

11:18 pm  
Blogger Cathy said...

I will trade you my urine stinken car for your 3 youngest and your grandson.
Deal? Yes?

1:00 am  
Blogger justLacey said...

The real deal:
You are home all day with the kids, do all the "home" work. Clean house, nice kids etc. At the end of the day, the man comes home. He plays with the kids, ignores you, you never have enough money because you have a new car. All your "working" girlfriends have it easier and people respect them more because they are bringing home money while someone else raises their kids. They are like the divorced dad. All the fun on the weekends and not much of the day to day grind. Grass is always greener...

9:41 am  
Blogger Michelle-Ann said...

I am absolutly positive that you mean much more to your family and kids than you give yourself credit for!!! And as said above, the working husband thing, it is for the birds, they work all day, which is always much harder than any job a women will ever do according to "man". Once they get in, they are tired, had a bad day, can you please handle these children cause my work is exhausting and I just need "ME" time...even though the only "ME" time you get is when you go to the bathroom to poop, and even then you have the child lying on the other side of the door asking stupid questions...

I know nothing about the above, I have just heard these things...yeah, right, who am I kidding????

12:00 am  
Blogger Jackie said...

I am so glad Helen that you resolved these thoughts! The car, yes, the car would be wonderful. But H with no sideburns...now, that's marvelous!
You are number 1 in all of their books, whether they realize it or not, whether they tell you or not. You are an amazing woman, wife and mother and frankly, you need to know that!!!

1:08 am  

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