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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Monday, June 22, 2009

And if the devil doesn't like it.......

Yesterday was a rough day. A horribly rough day and it was totally unexpected.
I have felt so much better lately, almost as normal as can be. I am so relieved to feel so much better. I am sleeping better ( and closer to average sleeping, not that uh oh been awake for 45 minutes must lie down can't keep my eyes open sleeping) and as a result life is infinitely more appealing.
H has been given a calling at church, as a councillor on the young men's presidency and I was excited to go to church and hear that announced, the weather was lovely and the boys well behaved.
We arrived at church and I saw my mum sitting ( here we go) right over the opposite side of the chapel, as far away from the doors as it is is possible to be, but no matter because I am OK NOW! That claustrophobia nonsense was a freaky flash in the pan when I was ill and mental, pttttthhhhhhh I can sit where I like can't I?
So I did, I sat with mum and Lin and we had a lovely lesson, sang lovely hymns and all was fine and dandy.
The lesson over, I waited for H and saved him a seat right next to me.....over here!!! Look where I am! away from the doors! He settled in for sunday school and had I mum one side, H the other and felt pretty darned happy to be there.
Our sunday school teacher is great, he knows his stuff, he encourages discussion and there is often much participation from the class, the class is a big one, I would say easily a hundred people, many just sit and listen, many join in and share opinions, facts, experiences and wisdom.
The theme for the lesson was humility, it was going well and then someone read scripture about a group of people who were so tried, death and destruction, madness and mayhem, children dying, you know, all that kind of cheery stuff. I was still fine because I know all that stuff happened and I understand the need to read and discuss. Now, I like to think I know a bit about the gospel and I certainly understand the way the scriptures can be used in our lives today.
I do not, however, have the ability to retain who is who and where they were, who begat whom and forget any dates, those aren't ever going to find a comfy part of my brain to stick to and stay put.
So, when we start, well, when THEY start talking names and ' we ALL know about....' ( nope, we don't, I have heard it a gazillion times but this person does not know because fa-la-la, I forget.) my mind tends to wander or gallop along the familiar ( wish I knew what he was talking about and HEY how smart is SHE to know all those names and who went where and .....what shall I do for sunday afternoons, shall have a nap.....hooray' route.)
So I was mid way through, right about what to do for lunch when my attention was peaked by the discussion about a group of people ( what group you ask? I dunno, I was thinking about tuna pasta salad!) who had it rough, oh so rough, children dying, death and destruction all over the land.....WHY? Well, these were haughty people, disobedient and vain, they needed to be taught humility, the Lord did not cause the misery and the pain...but He did allow it.
( Still fine with all this, the Lord works in mysterious ways etc etc) then, one person said something and my 'never going to get over THAT' brain grabbed it.
Someone mentioned that children were teach the parents humility and also as a punishment for their actions.
OH NO YOU DON'T!!!! Screamed my brain, quickly followed by the most unbelievable freak out you have ever seen in your life.
Start with " Hmm..hang on, what about 'we believe men shall be punished for their own sins, not Adam's transgressions' that doesn't sound right then does it...they are wicked so let's allow the kids to be slaughtered, that'll teach them' that's a contradiction right there.....I shall put my hand up ( you know, grab myself some attention) how shall I phrase my question....hmmmm see, now that just doesn't sound right and if what he said is true, well then that would mean.....

AND WE'RE OFF!! OH MY GOOD he saying that MY kids were hurt because I DID SOMETHING WRONG BECAUSE......oh can't breath, ask mum for a tissue because my eyes are leaking and OH I am going puke , well I would puke if I could breathe and what's with the NOT BREATHING...must get some air into my body because ...WHOA the gulping and gasping and WHERE THE HELL IS THE DOOR?!!? Oh no, it's right over THERE and to get to it I must walk past ALL THOSE PEOPLE with my streaming eyes and the not breathing, the gasping and sobbing and hiccuping and WHAT WAS I THINKING??
My dear mum, gave me tissue and said " I have rescue remedy, hold on...oh no I can't find it, here take a muscle relaxant ( which made me snort in between not breathing and crying and hiccuping) I threw caution to the wind and I got out of there, with my head down and a stalwart effort not to vomit or just die on anyone as I past.
People are so kind and I started a pied piper kind of exodus, I tried to get to my car quickly and just go somewhere ( where? Who cares!) when I got to my car, there was another one parked right up by the drivers door and so I had to get in by the passenger door, noticing kind people coming right towards me to see if I was my car, steering wheel clasped for support. BREATHE.
In and out. I love breathing, so taken for granted.
I was fine.Once I got out and I was in my car, all safe and well, I spoke with Deb and Julie and I knew that everything I had felt inside was ridiculous.
Naturally, had I stayed inside, I would have heard the points the teacher was trying to get across, had I been able, if I had made my point and asked my question I am convinced that the teacher would have set me straight right away.
The thing is, freaky heads don't work that way.
The absolute easiest thing for me to do is JUST STAY AT HOME! Good heavens if every sunday isn't just a day of insanity. Stay at home and have a lie in, read some scriptures, have a day of rest.
The thing is, I am a stubborn cow, if I think someone is trying to make me do something, I am not about to do it..even if it was something lovely that I was looking forward to.....if I get a whiff of it being expected or forced, forget it. I do what I want to do because I want to do it, not because YOU told me to.
I believe in Christ. I believe in His Father. I don't just think that they exist, I don't just have a warm and fuzzy feeling that they are out there somewhere. In my heart and mind, I KNOW they exist, as sure as I do, they are there, here, everywhere and they want me to succeed.
I absolutely know without any doubt that there is a plan and that we have a part in that plan.
I also believe that everything must have an opposite and if Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ are real, then so is Satan.
I do not believe that he has a forked tail and a pitch fork, I don't think he is red and giving off steam, I do not believe he has a hell filled with fire and brimstone. I am sure that he is apathy, he wants us to fail, he wants us to feel useless and unworthy, he wants us to think that it won't hurt to stay home, that it is BETTER to stay home, he wants us to feel that worldly goods are more important that charity and love.
What a great way to stop me being a regular church going woman! He knows I'm not about to turn into a hell raising, thieving ne'er do well, he knows I know what is true, he knows that no sparkly thing will distract me from the path I have chosen to follow.
He knows that to get to me, he has to be sneaky. Make it tough to walk into the building, make me so afraid that I will make a show of myself AGAIN ( twice in 3 weeks and counting) make it so that next week, well I won't go. The week after? Oh, see, now..what if, I'll stay home again and then the week after THAT? Can't...can't walk through the doors. Before you know it I am popping out to that car boot sale while H and the boys are at church because, well, it's there and I LOVE bargains...who knows after a while maybe I would keep Seth home with me because HE would rather at home with me.
Before you know it, there's a family divided ( because H isn't going to stop going to church) a whole family, sealed in the temple for eternity who can't even do one sunday activity together.
That's who I think the devil is. A low down sneaky git who would rejoice in seeing just one person stop going to church. I think he would count that a major score.
So....I am not going to stop going to church, even if I get there and I sit in the foyer right by the door and stay there for 3 hours breathing smelling salts and guzzling bottles of rescue remedy.
My children are going to see that for me and mine, we go to church on sunday and we show the Lord that this day is His.
Even if that means that my walking in causes a parting of the seas kind of reaction ( uh oh mad lady is here quick SPLIT!! Phew, seems OK she is breathing and not even crying...yet)

And if the devil doesn't like it...he can sit on a tack!

P.S. I think this means that I should probably give up on any ideas I may have been having about flying to Canada or Boston....can you imagine? I am just holding on to the scrap of dignity I am convincing myself I still have, being on National news coverage for freaking out on a plane...that wouldn't help my cause. Dammit.

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Blogger justLacey said...

In my early 20's I started suffering terrible panic attacks. At first I would stay home if I would to avoid having one in public. At some point though ti realized if I wasn't careful, it could take over my life and I began to fight against it. Not saying I never had to leave somewhere because of one, but in the end I pretty much got over them. It took some time and even now I can still have those anxious feelings. When I do I look up panic attacks on the internet and realize that is all it is and it passes. Stay strong.

11:00 am  
Blogger Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

Hugs. Just remember that the good days still outweigh the bad and be easy on yourself.

Love you.

12:09 pm  
Blogger Tired Mom of Six said...

I totally agree with your assessment. The evil one certainly does NOT want you at church. He doesn't want you strong & faithful. Miserable & without hope is what he is looking for.

As for church, keep going. If I were a betting woman, I would bet you 10 to 1 that most every single person in that congregation feels empathy for you and the ones that don't certainly need to take a long look in the mirror to see the log in their own eye.

Love you!

12:52 pm  
Anonymous Gretchen said...

Helen, I feel you more then you realize. I have had the same things sweetie. The thought of 4 take offs and 4 landings in a few months has me terrified. I get anxiety attacks driving 5 minutes away from my house sometimes. Its awful and makes me feel 2 inches tall. Each time we buck the anxiety causing agent we are helping ourselves. Its so scary and awful and I hate that anyone has to go through it.

I agree with Di about what people at church should and hopefully do think of what happened. Remember that church, although awesome with the fellowship, is also a way to be in communion with Him. He isn't embarassed of you. He is proud of you and loves you. We will try go to church and not let Satan keep us from going.

Love you friend.

6:53 pm  

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