The best laid plans....

Funny, isn't it that as soon as you decide to do better the world conspires to call you a liar?

I have just finished reading the most incredible book, ' The hiding place' by Corrie Ten Bloom. Oh what an inspirational book that is, one of true goodness, an example of how we all ought to live. I read and with every page I was so sure that I would change my life, I would think and act differently and not take anything, even the smallest of things for granted. I bought a copy of the book to lend to family and friends so that they can feel so uplifted and moved.

In fact, what seems to have happened is that every fool and his sidekick is in my face making sure that any effort I might make is hampered.

How is it possible that this woman and her family, trapped in a concentration camp can be so positive, so Christ like and yet I, in my comfy home, surrounded by every comfort and luxury am bad tempered and grumbling? Pathetic is what I am.

I am so determined to be better and its so EASY when I alone, when everyone is in bed and I sit here in my quiet with my plans and ideas. I can move mountains and uplift weary souls......right up until everyone is awake and being all normal and loud, no-one wants to join me in my peaceful and spiritual awakening, they want cereal and toast and not THAT cereal and TRIANGLE toast not SQUARE toast. They don't want to do homework or go to swimming lessons because they CAN'T SWIM and for heaven's sake who wants to go to swimming lessons when you can't swim and people will have to talk to you and even *touch* you ( shudder)

I am particularly irritated by H of late, even outside of those 3 days a month when he is unable to be reasonable and insists on behaving in such a way as to incur wrath even in me, ME when I am always so level headed and calm. It's a trying time I can tell you.

I am doing my best and reminding myself that Corrie and her sister were even grateful for the fleas in the camp they were imprisoned in and later learned that the fleas were the reason the guards didn't ever enter into their block and so they were able to read scripture and hold prayer meetings when to do so would surely have meant being put to death.

I bought monopoly today because I want to have cosy evenings playing with the boys, is it very miserable of me to feel almost afraid to even take the cellophane off the box because that whispering miserable part of me is sure that after 5 minutes or more it will all turn to chaos as there will be fights over who gets to be the car and who isn't, most definitely EVER going to be a stupid hat?

Was I always such a half empty sort of person? Like the 2 women who open the curtains and one says " Good Morning God" while the other says "Good God, Morning" I hate to admit that I am more like the second woman these days. I hear other people sing songing their way through the day and rather than feel lifted up, I find myself mumbling ' Oh shut up for heaven's sake.'

Actually I am more a split personality because more than ever I am aware of how good things are for me, I take such delight in small things, feeling cold and then finding a toasty hot water bottle as I stretch out my foot in bed, washing my face and having a hot towel fresh from the radiator to dry my face on....I am enveloped with such joy every time. I'm not endlessly miserable, truly I'm not. I think I just forget to show that I'm not of late. It's unfortunate that the joyous moments seem to be when I am alone ( coincidence? Hmmm it's puzzling.)

Strange that I started to write this over a week ago, before the Haiti earthquake. What a terrible, terrible thing. If ever there was a tragedy that has stopped me in my tracks, this would be it.

I whine, I know I do, I always seem able to find something to complain about and then we see this, we see babies on the street with no family, no home, nothing, fear and death and absolute destitution. It is unimaginable to me, living here with an abundance of everything, more food and heat, water and comfort that we can ever need, taking for granted the water, available from taps in our home, hot water, clean water. Clean clothes, comfortable beds, TV, computers. Life seems so unbalanced doesn't it?

Nothing we do can make a difference, on our own...... as a group, a country, a world it is incredible to see what can be done, each person trying to do what they can, give what they can will make a difference. I wanted to badly to do something and not just put some money in an envelope and pat myself on the back. I want my children to see they have an abundance of everything they need and so much of everything they want.

I think we did asked them to write down one thing they needed, that they don't have.

Seth wrote " nothing"

Isaac wrote " enough chairs" ( it is true that when we have company, someone usually has to sit on the floor! I am sure no-one will die from lack of chairs!)

Elijah wrote " a snowboard" Bizarre as we don't even have snow ( And long may we keep saying that!)

I explained that I wanted us all to give up something, for a week and donate the money to a Haiti charity. The boys said that they would give up their once a week take out food and they did, without a grumble ( apart from Isaac who is going through the most revolting 'practising being a teen' phase) I decided that I would not buy any magazines this week, that sounds such a cop out, like that would be a sacrifice! Oh my goodness, I can't tell you how grumpy I felt by wednesday! I love to sit outside the school and wait for the boys, with a magazine and a hot chocolate, glorious silence and a magazine, reading and doing puzzles and I am really a stickler for making sure nothing interferes with that time! I even toyed with the idea of buying them and not telling anyone, it's not as though they would know, I would still donate the money, who loses out? I do, that's who.
It doesn't hurt us to go without those things we take for granted, my drier broke for 2 weeks and then my washing machine.....it didn't hurt me at all to be reminded that these things are luxuries, not a given right, our lives in this country are so simple, so pampered and sometimes it is good for us to remember that.

Seeing the tragedies in Haiti, being forced to witness how hard life is for so many people. It is also incredible to see how much good comes about whenever there is such a terrible occurrence, people are good, we live in a world where we hear such awful news and can begin to feel as though there isn't a drop of goodness out there and then we see how many good people this world has, how people will drop everything to help those in need and every time, good overcomes the bad. Stories of miracle rescues, babies being handed back to previously heartbroken mothers. I love watching the good and remembering that I have things pretty cushy, that as much as I might complain, in truth, this is a good life.

All this AND tickets to go to 'Britain's got talent' again on Tuesday.

I am reminded that my glass is not half full, it runneth over.