The great I am.

I went to Cardiff yesterday to see Britain's got Talent auditions, we had fun as we did last year but not quite as much fun.
We waited outside the Millennium center with thousands and thousands of other people ( but not for as long because *ahem*, I had PRIORITY tickets thankyouverymuch) and every now and then there would be some hysterical screaming and one of the 'stars' would arrive, An.t and D.ec...HUGE screaming and one lady behind us called someone and could barely breathe for excitement, we were taken inside before Sim*on C*owell ( smart move there, he won't google himself and find himself reading all about what I think of him! ) arrived but when he entered the theatre there was much screaming and hyperventilating ( yes, I did, can't be helped because "SIMOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!) and yesterday, along with the crowd swaying adulation, I couldn't help but look really hard at these people, who are, you know, just people, as far as I know they haven't found a cure for cancer, banished poverty, set up orphanages in Romania etc but we lesser mortals look upon them as something so splendid and worthy, hoping that they might just glance our way, smile at our camera ( thankyou S.tephen M.ulhern for doing just that, although you may well have been smiling at a seagull behind us, who knows, we have a smiley photograph! Last year, of course, we got a picture of you with your arms around Sophie, Mel and Gemma so the casual glance in our general direction might have been a slight anti climax) The other thing that is noticeable is they are small in stature, if you stood any of them next to Dan, Jordan or heaven help us all me, they would look like itsy bisty teeny weeny slightly orange celebriteenies. An ordinary man in the street, that was the same size would perhaps appear puny, if you even happened to glance at them at all that is. BUT....and there is a but, they don't SEEM little, you don't look at them and feel disappointed with them for not being 6' 5" and built like a what's its name brick house. They ooze importance, they feel HUGE they especially Simon, darn it all for feeling this way when really, it would be quite cool to look at him and think "Heh! Is that IT?" the power that oozes from them is something you have to experience to understand. I looked and I whooped, I took pictures (that didn't come out because the lighting was hopeless) and I tried to imagine what it would be like, how it would feel to have that kind of power. I watched the minions running about after these men ( and woman) I saw that they all have different water to drink, they have 'people' fetching and carrying, they have their makeup touched up constantly ( especially Simon, every 10 minutes someone would pop along and powder his face) I wondered if they are even aware that this is happening anymore, I wondered if they appreciate that these people are, for real, people, with feelings and dreams, hopes and hurts.
I thought about those people in Haiti and how so many of them would be grateful for ANY glass of clean water, a soft chair, a kind word, not caring whether the water was still or fizzy, in a glass or mug, from a tap or filtered jug and somehow that became all I could think about. I became obsessed with the balance of riches, I am not saying that these people don't deserve what they have, how wonderful that in this world it is possible for people to rise and achieve so much, I just thought about what an enormous responsibility it would be to have so many riches.
I wonder how I would fare with so much. I was talking to Sophie and asked if she thought what it would be like to have so much money you didn't ever have to actually think about money. I often say how great that would be but actually, I think I might well be terrified if I were ever in that situation. I wondered if these people believe the hype, if they actually believe that they are better than the average man or woman who have to write shopping lists and save for a holiday. We decided that money is great, not worrying about money is the ultimate dream but for me, there is definitely a limit to how much money I would like.
I think of how excited I get when I get a bargain, when I win an Ebay auction, when I grab a great deal at the car boot sale. The pride I felt when I bought my car, for cash, that I had saved, who cared if it was 9 years old? Not me, it smelled so good and I felt so good driving it, I still pat it's dashboard and tell it I like it. How soon would the novelty of money run out if nothing was that great a pleasure anymore?
I love to daydream about the good I could do if I won the lottery, how I would pay off this mortgage for that person, cancel this person's debt so they could start again, but homes and rent them to hard working families who just need a break, for a small rent so they could build a home and feel secure. I dream of all kinds of good I could do....I wonder if I would do it, or if I would become afraid that I would lose that money, if I would become more selfish and driven by holding onto those riches.
There is no doubt that I would love to be able to wave a magic money wand and for example, buy my sister and brother in law a new computer because the only one they have has died, so now they have a business to run and no computer. I want to hand Jordan money to pay for his wedding to Mel, although actually, to see him working for an agency on his days off, to drive him to work at 7.30am and see a beautiful sunrise, watching him walk into an old peoples' home to make dinner for 40 senior citizens when he could be having a lie in on his day off, when he tells me, with such pride and excitement on the drive that he has made a spread sheet and is able to watch the wedding costs go down as he pays them off, one by one.... why would I want to miss out on those moments? How will my son feel when he marries Mel and he looks around at all he has achieved? So much more than if he is handed the day on a plate. ( I am still saving so I can give them a surprise though)
I think the Lord knows where I belong, I don't feel hard done by at all with what I have and where I am. I have my treasures and I love knowing that I can take mine with me when the time comes. I love nice things, I love having money sometimes, I love sharing it, I also like knowing who I am and how important each person is. I hope never to have people running after me and fetching and carrying while I appear oblivious to them. ( although the running after me bit...sweet!! Peel me a grape!)
I think I will be happy with life as it is for me, with small steps and huge moments. It is enough ( And some)