Nearly there...

I feel as though I am on the last lap of a very long race.
I hadn't thought of it too deeply until this evening when I wrote a status on Face book about the first one and Sophie's birthday. In 3 weeks she will be 21, an adult, an honest to goodness grown up person. Sophie is and always has been excited about her birthday, she talks about it for weeks before hand, she wants all the bells and whistles and she loves every part of her day.
She was 10 weeks when her dad left and we all know he has been a let down from the very beginning where she is concerned. He has never remembered her birthday and I have always had to remind him when it is and tell him what he should send. 3 years ago he just stopped bothering all together, saying he doesn't see why HE should bother when quite clearly the kids don't think about HIM on HIS birthday. He did, however send Dan and Jordan a good sized cheque on their 21st birthdays. Now, no matter how much we talk about how useless he is, has been and probably always will be, Sophie still holds her breath when it comes to him and any occasion where he ought to prove himself. She wants him to show her she is wrong, she longs for him to show her that he cares....and yet every time, he lets her down, spectacularly more often than not. She puts on a brave face and we hear what an arsehole he is, how she doesn't care etc. etc.
I think I ought to remind him and ask him to do something for her, I know that I can fill in a gap and make sure so she has plenty of birthday treats to make her day splendid. She will actually not be here on her birthday, she is going to Tenerife with her friends where I hope she will have a lovely time. She is already asking if she can celebrate her birthday before she goes away, already beginning to fret about whether it will be OK, whether she will see people care.
I truly hate doing anything that would give the first one any thought at all that we need him for anything. We don't. I just want him to do what a good father would do naturally, without being reminded. He isn't a good father, he is selfish and stupid and I accepted that a long, long time ago....but every now and again I will slip back into that sad state of wishing that just once he would prove us all wrong.
I feel and oh what a great feeling it is, that this, Sophie's birthday, is the very last time he will be expected to stump up, show us what he can do. After this momentous occasion and a 21st birthday IS a big deal, he will be surplus to requirements. She has already spoken about when she gets married and how, because he has never had her to give, he will not be the person to give her away.
I just feel that this is the last time he should be expected to make a gesture, then he can disappear and live his life, as he so often told us he needed to. I am so excited about that, he doesn't feature in our thoughts much at all, only at times like this. I'm not worried about Jordan and Mel's wedding because he will just be there, another guest.
I have always felt guilty that Sophie feels so left out because I couldn't do anything to change it. There are many children who live without a father and are barely affected, Sophie isn't one of those children. She has always yearned for a daddy, she would tell me over and over again what a daddy would do, he would eat dinner at our house and he would hold her hand when they went out and he would choose her first.
I can't find words for the contempt I feel for him and men like him and actually, I don't even try because he isn't worth that much thought or energy.
I can't quite believe that this girl of mine is almost 21. What a trip this has been! I think a huge celebration is in order, the fact that she has made it, though epilepsy and crazy CRAZY childhood, her disturbed and furious adolescence, drug addiction and so much rage and sadness and here she is, about to be all grown up. She is quite delightful, totally uncouth, positively unashamed and unbashful. I think we wouldn't change a thing.