Aliens within.

I think my most favourite part about having a blog is that it is entirely mine. It's purpose is to be able to somehow take the feelings that are inside and get them out. The thoughts I express are mine and therefore can't be wrong, they just are what they are. In writing them in a blog I feel that if there is a chance, no matter how small that someone may read them, it is as if I have told what is on my heart...a problem shared etc. The very best thing is knowing that I can do this and not feel any guilt about having dumped my sadness onto anyone without their permission and then expecting them to jump and make it all better for me. I know that the very things that make me saddest are unchangeable, but they still make me sad.
I make no apologies for this entry, I'm not trying to change the world, change anything, I am just going to pour out some feelings that threaten to overwhelm me.
I have a sadness in me that is, to me, an uninvited alien, at times, usually when I least expect it, it squirms it's way into my gut and I recognise it....and then begins the battle. I feel that familiar feeling of unrest and I tell it to leave. Sometimes it settles and gives up...for a while. Othertimes it squirms and it twists and it grips.......and I know that this time it will win and somehow I will have to find a quiet place and let it have it's day.
When my boys were abducted and I began to know what had happened I was sad and of course would wish that it wasn't true, wish that it hadn't happened and then realise that it WAS true and I could sink and lose all hope of a good future for my boys, so I accepted the fact and I fought it and we won. Happy ending, we like those.
When I began to suspect that Dan was gay, the thought would sweep my mind so fleetingly that it scarcely had time to make an impact, as he grew older I could see more signs and was able to dismiss them, how absurd, my big, handsome boy with his deep voice and irresistable charm......PAH! Stupid me.
Then my boy, my gentle, kind, loving best friend became a stranger, the anger and the misery was so contrary to the boy I had always known it was impossible to ignore that there was a huge battle going on in this boys heart and mind. Still, with me, he was the epitome of respect, the very essence of compassion and understanding, but it seemed as though he loathed himself.
He moved back to England with his dad and I would have happy conversations with him and he would say how much better he felt...but from others I would hear a different tale, stories of him going out and beating people up, breaking a man's nose for no apparant reason, aggressive and beyond miserable, withdrawn and hopeless. Then I knew. My son was fighting himself, ever my pride and joy he was battling against something that he believed would cause me to hate him.
The details of his coming out probably aren't important apart from to say that his dad ( on my advice) asked him if he was gay and he said yes, then he withdrew even more. He refused my calls and he stopped calling me. It took a few weeks to make contact and eventually I caught him and he was so angry, so defensive and all but yelled that he knew I would hate him and why didn't I just say it and be done with it.
There is nothing that could make me hate my son, not this boy that has held my heart since the very second I saw him. I am so glad that he believes me when I tell him I love him. It took a while but we are as close, perhaps even closer, as before.
I am astounded that I could have made this young man.
The alien won't leave me alone. When I have spent time with Daniel and have breathed in the very presence of him, when I have seen his face and assured myself that he is strong and well and I revel in the pure joy he now has, then it's time for the alien to do it's worst.
My head and my mind knows all the right things, it knows he is my boy, it knows he is the same person, it knows nothing has changed......but my heart doesn't seem to hear anything my head tells it. When my boy has gone my heart cries. I have this hideous moan inside that truly feels that if I gave voice to it , it would break me. I wail inside me that I don't want it to be true, that I would give my all to have it not be that my son is gay.
Know this...DANIEL IS NOT MAKING ME SAD.
He has been true to himself and he has been strong and honest and I will admire him for that until the day I die.
I believe that he was made this way, I believe that God made us all the way we are. I have been taught my whole life that we have trials that are sent to us in order to make us strong and perhaps even to help us help others. I think that I can honestly say that I have faced some monstrous trials and have done my upmost to face them head on and make the very best of whatever situation I have found myself in. This though is something I can DO nothing about, it is just how it is. My son is gay and he is in love with another man. And, maybe shame on me, I hate it. I want it not to be. I want to wake up and discover I dreamt it.
Why my son? Why me? Why us? Why can't I see this boy of mine marry and have little people just like him, squeaky voiced, squiffy eyed little boys who want to give santa a present to make sure that he doesn't get forgotten?
Why should I have to be strong again, fight against prejudice and intolerance? Why can't I just get to be one of those gloriously ignorant people that needn't think about it because it doesn't affect me?
There is not one area in my life that is worry free. I worry about my children ( and with good reason, not just a natural motherly thing for me) I worry about my home, I endlessly worry about money ( or lack of) there isn't anything I can say " oh at least THAT'S ok"
Oh bugger.....not much else to say is there?