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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I often wonder...

....who reads me.....I see that 994 times my profile has been read, who read it?
I admit that I read many blogs and sometimes can't think of anything to comment and so disappear without saying a word, sometimes I leave a comment because we all know we love it, I am pathetically thrilled when I see I have a message, sometimes I see through e.mail that I have a comment and never read it there, I have to actually come to my blog and read who said what and feel a bit special ( in a happy, not educationally needy sort of way, although I grant you that could be up for debate on some days) .

My doctor asked for the link to my blog, heavens, I have had a good strip wash and been almost on my best behaviour in case she popped by ever since, but will I ever know? If you are here Dr M, may I say how grateful I am that I feel so comfortable coming to see you and even though you tell me to go for walks to get my thrills I still think you are a great doctor.

My sister reads my blogs but my mum doesn't, I still can't make myself be rude though, so perhaps I am much more refined than I give myself credit for.

My kids don't read my blog because they don't know where it is or how to find it, I think they know I write one but it's great that they can't read it . I am free to say they drive me insane or make my heart smile.

H doesn't read it, he says he wants me to be able to write and say what I need to say, if I knew he read it then I wouldn't. I'm glad about that although I have been known to read bits out to him, I think he is just amazed that people actually get anything out of sharing feelings. He likes others to know he is hungry although he won't ever actually SAY he is hungry, he just growls a lot and looks stoney faced, feed the beast and the sweet man reappears, simple, just the way we like our men.
I am particularly impressed with H today, he stripped, washed, dried and remade our bed today, that is SUCH a big deal, no-one has ever made a bed for me, not even the first one when I had been out of hospital for a week and had an 8 inch wound across my belly, when I did it myself the wound ripped inside and I ended up with a gaping hole for 5 months. ( or did that happen 2 hours before, when he dropped me 3 miles away at the drs to get the stitches out and went to his secret and adulterous girlfriend's house and forgot I existed- making me walk 3 miles, in rain, with no coat and a massive wound..who knows and who should probably care after all this time except me because somehow, I was too sad at the time to realise that I had every right to care. Bastard.)
Making beds is somehow unspokenly ( is that a word in real life, I know anything is a real word in blogland because what you want to be, is, hoe bloody marvellous is that?) a woman's thing isn't it? Men just don't seem to do it, certainly not ironing pillow cases and making sure they smell deliciously fresh ( and to be fair H did leave the pillows naked but he did the grunting over the fitted sheets thing which is the bane of my life) We are a bit grand in the bed department at the moment as I found sheets and valances ( even the word is grand isn't it, so much grander than 'frills') on sale, they are posh ones and reduced from £32 to £3, all smooth and silkyish and we feel just posher than posh people when we slide into bed. Life is great when your bed makes you feel posh isn't it?

I know a lot of glorious and funny women read my blog and my friends always leave me a comment, thankyou my cyber friends. I love you, you make me laugh and cry and see that I am not the only mother who is terrorised by little people.

I have a divine group of gay men who read me. I love these men, I learn more about my Dan when I read their blogs...... I am more tolerant and so much more understanding of just how strong these men are who have the courage and strength to be just who they are and show such infinite dignity when faced with such opposition, even from those who should be their very strength and support, who continue to love their families even when those very people have let them down when they need it most.
I am so grateful to them for stengthening my resolve to be my son's advocate and support. In reading the blogs of these men I have learned that being gay isn't about sexuality alone. Sexuality is the smallest part of who these men are ( except for Daniel of course, I'm not sure why he says he is gay, I know he doesn't do the sex thing because he is my son, my child.......Shawn and Dan arrange their CD's in alphabetical order in the evenings and watch the whole set of Will and Grace DVD's they own. They share a bedroom only because the flat is so tiny and there is only one bedroom but I know my child doesn't do the sex thing. Every mother knows that about their child, it is an unwritten law. We know this or we would go mad. Just as our parents don't do the sex thing...they very politely did it just enough times to beget the children they have and are very sure not to make any sounds or enjoy it or anything, they just very quietly and with dignity perform the necessary act in order to conceive us. Our children don't do it at all, honestly.)

So, who else reads me?

Would you humour me just this once ( actually, feel free to humour me whenever you like because I really would love to feel important and tell myself that I have a vast army of followers hanging on my every word, because no-one in this house EVER hears a word I say) will you say hello and leave a comment, its as easy as blink and would just make me feel beyond important...unless no-one leaves a comment and then what? Will I feel unloved and unread? Probably not...I'll still come here every night and prattle on about who knows what. If you hit the comments button and then leave a comment I will thank you from my nowhere near humble heart.......

26 Comments:

Blogger Julie Q said...

I am not new to your blog Helen, I always read! :) I just don't always have the time to respond. Or sometimes, I don't know what to say. But, I always read.

1:10 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read you, Helen! You bring me great belly laughs with each entry. I don't normally comment because I didn't think you would care! I realize now, though, that were our roles reversed, I'd want you to comment. I'll do better!

Rachel

3:13 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read your writings. You are awesome. I saw your link on BZ, I never post there though, only read. I have 2 girls 20 & 18 and a nearly 2 yr old son. My husband who I met on the internet is also from England.
I love your outlook on life, and the way you love your family.
You are truley a wonder woman!!

3:47 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read you, Helen. Of course, I have left comments in the past, here and there. I love your blog and its in my bookmark list. In fact, your blog is the only blog i read regularly. I love the way you look at things, your funny comments and the way you adore your little people. But, above all, I love and respect the way you handle Dan. I think it is great to see a mom truly love her child unconditionally. Too often, you hear of parents turning thier back on their children when they choose a different path than hoped for. Hopefully some of your readers are moms and dads who need to hear your point of view to realize the pain and hurt they have caused thier children by denying them bc of their sexuality!!!!!!

4:00 am  
Blogger Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

ME ME ME ***hands up waving in the air***

Gosh I only truly met you in blogland... I'm so grateful for that opportunity.

Hugs

Julie

4:41 am  
Blogger Jenn said...

not new here - I am but one of your fans!
I will admit to getting that secret thrill when I see that people have commented on my blog, even the less than polite ones, which can be deleted with a single button WHAP! Ah, tis good for the ego to know that your voice is being heard.

6:50 am  
Blogger KJ said...

Hi, Delurking to say hello from the south of England. I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now. I never leave comments on the blogs I read but your post has made me think again.

9:46 am  
Blogger The other me said...

oh but I had something to write at the weekends! Shall I write anyway? You'll be soooooooo bored! Anyway evil one, I keep checking to see if you are writing your blog yet...don't try and tell me you have nothing to write about, I KNOW you do!

1:00 pm  
Blogger MamaTink said...

Count me in Helen!! i LOVE this blog. I find you, your family, and your outlook on life refreshing, and fascinating :)

~Lisa~

1:08 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well since you asked. I read sporatically. I used to go to BZ a few years ago but now I only go very infrequently and I just happened to catch the address to your blog a few (or longer) months ago. You keep me interested with your inconsistencies with what you said there and what you say here.

2:23 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a BZer too and found the link to your blog there. I love to "hear" what you have to say and I usually read everyday :)

Jennifer

2:25 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's me. I don't read often, but I do try to keep caught up.

Deb

2:34 pm  
Blogger The other me said...

Oh anon with the wrong spelling of sporadically...are they inconsistancies or do you think that things have changed over the years? I don't go to BZ too much myself anymore, stopped when I found out someone was 'stalking me' complaining about my being friends with other people and not her, quoting who I had spoken too, written to, exchanged gifts with etc .... she couldn't see that she was a drain on my already depleted sanity, I said goodbye to her and her negative vibes many, many months ago and have hardly given her a thought since. You remind me of her in a spooky and depressing way. Do you keep notes on how I feel about things on a day to day basis? Sad. Find something happy and constructive to do..write a blog maybe?

2:52 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lurker and reader almost everyday. I love the way you write. I met you on BZ, I was mostly a lurker over there also.
Paulina

3:19 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just found your blog via a comment you left on my partner, Jamie's
blog. I really enjoyed this post, and I think I"ll be coming back for more!

By the way, I am from West Virginia, my great-great-grandpa was a native of Dublin, Ireland (his family migrated to the US I think during the potato famine), and I'm glad I found your blog!

Have a good day!

3:44 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

I, too, read here. I love your blog, Helen. As you so eloquently word everything I desire to say.

I also love your love for your children.
Your love for your husband.

I love your view and take on everything.


(((hugs)))
-Jes

5:17 pm  
Blogger -Lo said...

I always read my love......

9:28 pm  
Blogger James Gray said...

I read cause your writing is always off the wall. Making (negative) sarcastic statements about yourself (mostly) and friends/family seems a blogworld writing skill. You are very good at this. I especially liked "Ooooooh it'll cost ya missus." We have mechanics like that here in the U.S., too. Most likely they are everywhere.

BTW, I found your blog from your comments on Steve B's blog. Found his by hitting the random blog button about a month ago. :)

11:07 pm  
Blogger Caryn said...

You are important to me Helen! I love you and your blog!! I have missed you on BZ and I am sorry for the things that have happened to make you want to leave. Please know that you are missed and you ARE important and many, many people love you!! Including me!!

4:09 am  
Blogger Christina said...

I read Helen!!! I read you daily after I get home from work and sometimes check in the mornings before I go to work. I used to post on BZ too and left many months ago... I admire your strength, wit and determination

4:38 am  
Blogger Drea said...

I pop in occassionally, especially if you've been quite in the other 2 places we met online and I start to miss you!!!!! Don't always comment, but I am here. :)

9:05 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Helen I Love you, thank you so much for 5 wonderful nephews & 1 great niece.

3:51 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are here too Helen... enjoying the wonder of your world and the glorious way thast you have of sharing it with us!

3:58 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a huge fan Helen! I am learning from you so much about how I feel about my lesbian in-laws is normal and okay. (BTW--I love them to death, but I am sure they do not have sex.)--at least in my still sheltered mind.

Your posts are well written and insightful!

7:27 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Helen,
I love reading your blog. You have such love for your children. Thanks for writting about them so that we can all enjoy them.
Erin from BZ

5:32 pm  
Blogger Claire said...

Helen,

I found your blog last week from a comment you left on the blog of an LDS friend of a friend of a friend…if that makes any sense whatsoever. Your writing is open, honest, and always entertaining. I even added a link to your blog from mine. I enjoy your British good sense and humour; I lived in London one summer a couple years ago and most of my ancestors are British. Thanks for your most excellent blog!

By the way, what is BZ? I'm thinking this is some British site I just don't know about.

Thanks and keep up the good work.

CLAIRE

7:22 pm  

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