A long day.

00.19 march 9th 2006

My dad is dying. He has a cancer so agressive that in 24 hours he has beyond healing. As I type he is peaceful and not in pain, he has had a hard day of fighting terrible pain and saying goodbye. It has been an honour to spend this day with him and every minute, though heartbreaking has been a spiritual and incredible experience.
My prayers have always been that he not be afraid, 3 weeks ago he was still working, he was still driving and doing church work and worrying about dry walling the loft. 2 weeks ago he had a pain, until today he was thinking that he had an infection in his liver. This morning he was told he had cancer but they still didn't know where the primary tumour was, by this afternoon we all knew that he was dying, no fear for him, pain until they cracked that bugger and he is sleeping with his right arm above his head taking deep breaths that are obviously hard work. We cleaned his mouth and cooled him down, he was fast asleep.
Some of the things he said today.....
" It's all over you know"
"what is my darlin?"
"me"
"well, that's alright, isn't it? For now. Are you afraid?"
"no, not afraid but...oh dear...."
"but you're worried about mum."
"mmmm"
"well, you know that we will look after each other don't you?"

"It's my wife you see, I don't want to leave her, I want her with me"
"well, you know that for now, she has to stay here and finish what she is here for"
"OK"

"Do you know that we are all so proud of you? That you have been the very best there could be? "

" I am so weak though, they'll think I am weak"
" we are all so amazed at how strong you are, how strong you have always been, I married Howard because he is so like you. He's a stubborn bugger at times but he is like you, I love him because of that."

" Oh Jean, Oh Helen"
"yes"
" I just want some peace"

"Jean?"
"Yes sweetheart"
"come over here and give me a snog!"

Everyone has seen him, except Jane who is flying in from Utah on friday. For some reason, he was so distressed at the idea of her seeing him and said that he needs for her to remember him as he was. Maybe he will get his wish but that will be sad for her.

How amazing that in a family as large as ours, not one person has a bad memory of this man, every grandson has mentioned the outing on the moors, he took all of these little boys, now grown men, on the moors and ate beans out of the tin. They remember that. every time someone else came into his room and kissed him, he managed to open his eyes and smile. He loves us.
Tomorrow, or later tonight, if the hospital calls I am going to take pictures of his hands. He has the most beautiful hands, strong, square hands that have been the kindest hands to everyone. Despite his body being ravaged by this disease his hands are still beautiful. I sobbed when I looked at them tonight because somehow it is so important that they haven't changed.
It isn't a terrible thing being with him as he goes through this, it is an honour. I know that when he is gone we will feel such emptiness, for now we are all so grateful that prayers have been answered and he hasn't been afraid, he never has had to suffer being an invalid, or worrying, he is surrounded by love and family.

We feel afraid having left him but also feel that tomorrow he will need us more, the hospital will call if he changes and we will be there. May our prayers continue to be answered in that he feels no more pain and when he takes that step towards the next life we are there to see him go.