Ppppttttttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Just blah.

Head is stupid, can't really think straight about anything. One minute I feel I know just what is happening, what I feel, the next I know I have it all wrong, am imagining things.

I do know that I don't feel happy. I know I feel more lonely than I have ever felt.
I can see happy things, appreciate that they are good, understand that all is not bad or sad.....i just can't seem to feel that good, or that happy.
I hate that so much depends on how others are. I hate that I rely on other people to cheer me or show me I am worthwhile. When you get that way it is inevitable that you will be disappointed. I try to make my own joy now, but after so long denying that I am even worth some good times, its hard to begin.

I am surrounded by so many great people, people I know I can enjoy and share good times with but somehow I feel frozen. It's so hard to talk, I can sit here and write but when I open my mouth to have even the least of conversations my mouth won't let the words out, I know that I must seem rude, or stupid. I imagine people will stop even trying soon when they say a cheery hello and I look at them and mumble, or stammer. When I do talk, I forget what I am saying before I even finish. I ask a question and when the answer comes I panic because I forget what I just asked. Bloody hell.....great company! Anyone want a date???

I see Jan tomorrow and I'm even dreading that....she must be sick of listening to me and she gets paid to do it. God bless her though she never makes me feel as if she is losing the will to live as I drone on and answer my own questions, I leave every week just knowing I have all the answers and hells teeth, aren't I amazing because I worked it all out myself. Sodding idiot, maybe tomorrow I will shut my damn mouth and let Jan tell me what to do.

I'm fine, in fact skipping when I leave that lovely peaceful room, all the way home. That whole journey I am just as life should find me.....shame then that it's next door but one, the doctors office.
Ahhhh, home, the place where all is made well. Lovely house, the house of my dreams. It was before we filled it with people hell bent on making my life intolerable.
Two toilets. WHOOHOO, Remember how excited I was about two bathrooms? TWO seats to wipe pee off, why does NO-ONE know how to flush in this house? Why can't they pee IN the toilet? The older they get the more they pee OUTSIDE the toilet.

Socks. Why do they take them off in the front room and just dump them? Little socks, BIG socks, black socks, white socks. Sophie has 3 million pairs of socks but that's not enough because it's so hard to put them in the wash, she wears the boys socks, and my socks, wouldn't dare wear H's socks ( yet) but she doesn't seem to wear shoes, so all these socks are so stomach churning.....grey and bubbled bottoms to her 3 million pairs of socks, which are on the floor of course.

Rubbish. I am the bin emptier, me, just me. H empties the kitchen bin and puts the bag on the balcony outside Jordan's room...where they stay until I heave them down the rickety and horribly steep steps outside. The recycling bin is a nightmare and as I tyoe ( at 2.43am) I haven't sorted it and they will be here at 7am tomorrow. Boxes overflowing in the kitchen, cans and bottles mixed in with it all. I am living on the edge, I'm not doing it today, bugger it all. How devil may care of me. Will anyone care? will anyone be shocked into helping out? Nah...it'll be me that gets buried alive before they come to collect in 2 weeks. Ha, I really am showing them aren't I?

Lollies. Saviour of us all in this heat, fruit lollies, ice cream lollies, bought and stored by me, for all( except me, martyr that I am) Bloody wrappers all over the place and EMPTY BOXES IN THE FREEZER. Empty boxes. Why is it easier to put an empty box back in the freezer, fridge, cupboard, floor when the bin is RIGHT THERE? I've even put a sticker on the bin that says BOXES / Glass/ cans. Ideal, you would think, why then, is it that the only thing EVER put in that particular, recycling bin by anyone other than me, happen to be YOGHURT POTS? Usually with half a yoghurt still in it?

I was going to write about shoes, you know that are never in the shoe cupboard or even together, in a pair in the middle of the floor...how does one shoe get to be in the bathroom and one in the dining room? HOW? I was going to write about shoes but it annoys me so much that I would be awake another 3 hours steaming about it so I'm not writing about that.

Instead I am going to do a bank balance and really relax. Ha!