Mummy called the doctor, the doctor said.....

That I am definately losing the plot. Actually she didn't, she's far too kind and professional and tactful, I said it though.

I am weirder than a weird thing, or person. I don't understand myself actually and feel infinite sympathy for those around me having to try and live with me without losing their hair or patience or minds even.
I was so good at bottling stuff up. I could look people in the eye and have rational conversations without them having any idea that inside I was screaming. I functioned and dealt and managed, without a problem. Why then, now, can't I get through a week without having so many emotions and varying moods? It would seem that now I have begun to feel, have let some of the stuff out, I can't stop.
I know some of you read the post I did about H. you left some comments and they were sweet. Thankyou. I deleted the post because it was mean. The things I wrote are my problem and not actually H's ....he is as he has always been. He is solid and loyal and infuriating and my husband. Never before have I had someone so 'here' for me that I have felt safe enough to let rip. Whatever it is that I am going through, I hope it is the beginning of the end. ( anyone else as confused as me yet? seems only fair as you're reading my blog!) Actually, I hope it is the end, forget the beginning of it!!
Medication isn't an option to get me ( and this family ) through this latest phase of recovery, we have to ride it out,I will be having more, rather than less, therapy to help me talk it out.
I suppose I should write more here about the real stuff that is happening, but somehow I just feel that for it to be happening is enough....why would I want to sit and write about the pain, I talk about it with Jan and that is enough. I wish I hadn't written such mean and hurtful things about H, but I did. In one of my down moments, I let out some of the deepest pain that isn't focused on the right place, or the right person. I am muddled and befuddled and am working to get all this put in the right place, feel better and put the bad behind me.
while this s all going on, H is here, being the same and being calm ( for the most part!!) he is letting me sleep when I need, go out when I like and pretty much do what I need to do, when I need to do it. He's a good man.
All I can say is that right now, it's a day by day thing. One day I can feel so bad that I can't imagine or remember feeling good, the next day I can wake up and not imagine ever feeling sad....it's a rollercoaster and I've always hated those.
When I feel the hatred and the misery it is so real that it consumes me, when it's gone I can see how whacky it all is.
I think I'm writing this because there are other people who feel the same. Maybe those people don't have an H, perhaps they go through this without someone patting their back or putting a cool hand on their neck...I'm sorry for those people.
I still think I will be better, I'm just learning that it's a two steps forward 3 to the side with nervous tic thrown in kind of recovery.
I do have much to be grateful for and I am grateful, I mean.....how could I look at this










and not be happy?

I am also incredibly grateful to be living here and have this care and help available to me without worry of costs. That's a huge deal, I've been without health care and it's scarey, no-one should have that fear on top of everything else life throws at us!

I wish they didn't keep telling me how exercise helps, how those natural endorphines will kick in and make me happy. As if the pressure from that bloody treadmill isn't enough. I'd rather have drugs please. How often do I need to say it, hmmmmm nice mellow making tablets and a cup of cocoa - or running to nowhere dripping in sweat? Hard choice. Not.