Look into my eyes....

If you do you might flinch, I think the devil is behind them today. I am to be avoided. I would avoid myself if I could but I can't, every time I try there I am, getting in my face and making me hate me even more than I already did.
I hate the kids too today, they are not making me laugh or have fluttery moments of fluffy love, they are making me want to leave them and run away with a very rich, blind, deaf man with no hands oh and sterile would be very high on the list too, trust my luck to be whisked away by Mr Perfect only to get pregnant at 45.
I am sitting here watching bloody NBA, because H is at a church meeting that I should also be at but it involves many children between the ages of 8 and 12 and, well no matter how many blessings might be waiting for me in heaven, I couldn't chance it, I am having trouble with my own, forget trying to block out the noise of anyone else's.
I am watching NBA because it is the one thing that usually keeps Seth and Isaac quiet ( barring the odd YEEEEEES!) for an hour and then it is 8pm and I can put them to bed. They are doing well but that other one that shot out of my poor over taxed Va-jay-jay less than five years ago is making up for their good behaviour. He has been very poorly and today is feeling better, I wish he was still drooping all over the sofa with snot up his arms ( Mummy! mummy! My arms are all dry, oh my arms.are.all.dry........snot, dried and tight up his arms, lovely) he seems to feel the need to try and get in all the 48 hours worth of noise, mayhem and mess he skipped.
Even with his cute hair cut and big old eyes I cannot see the sweetness, the puppy eyes are not making me melt, I want to poke him.
H politely refused my offer of a ride to his meeting, I suspect that the very idea of walking, with iPod plugged in , away from this house and my voice and their mess and the atmosphere, which if the knives, for our safety and protection weren't hidden, you could cut, filled him with much joy and I am not expecting him home in a rush when his meeting is done, I can imagine him taking the long way home, through fields and industrial estates. If he can find a mountain, I imagine he will come home via it.
There are 14 kit kats in the kitchen, for packed lunch and I think if I eat all of those I might feel a little more love in my heart for about 3.4 minutes, until I finish them and am disgusted with myself.
I am a little drawn to all those diet shows, "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!" and while everyone else is recoiling in horror at the tables laden with the sinful fat persons table, groaning under the weight of all that revolting and stomach churning greasy and disgusting food, I am thinking "ooooooh, crisps and look BACON.....ahhhhh chocolate biscuits and CURRIES, wonder what we have in the kitchen"
I am watching a show called superskinny vs supersize, where they lock an anorexic person in a flat with a massively obese person, they have to prepare the food they eat every day and MAKE THE OTHER ONE EAT IT! Can you imagine? It is a hoot, skinny little twig people eating enormous pizza for breakfast and taking 3 hours to do it, while weeping...and a fat person being handed a plate with 4 brazil nuts and 8 raisins...and laughing, til they see it is for real and then weeping.
I would SO go on one of those shows if they didn't all insist in having you stand in your under garments and have a camera zooming in, from an angle on the floor.....going around and around and zooming more. To begin with, my under garments are not flattering ( blissfully comfy and cover all though, so points to them for that) and then we have the wobbling bits, the flappy bits, the pitted bits and lets not forget the SCARS...oh the scars, if you were to join my 3 scars together they would measure nearly 6 feet. Yes, taller than me.
I bought some bras in the states, man they know how to support your boobs over there, these are substantial over shoulder boulder holders, I kid you not. They would not be featured in a sexy underwear magazine though.
I would be good on those shows because I would give entertainment value, especially if my period was due. I would dispel all myths of fat people being jolly, in a minute, leaving no doubt.

Oh it is so quiet. Thankyou. They are in bed, I am grateful for autism, routine and medised that dries up snot and induces sleep, quickly and effectively .... I might have a slug myself later.
I like the boys a bit more now. Seth has been delicious, Isaac not bad but that other little sod, my goodness he really pulled out all the stops. In a few minutes he spread popcorn all over the front room, managed to sneak in a yoghurt that I found with a rubber sting ray swimming in it....but not in a pot.
On days like today I could quite easily be a needy type of wife and beg H to promise he will never leave me, or get a job or go for a walk and leave me with these boys because, even though I raised the other 3 on my own for 10 years...I could not do it again. Not with the same results anyway. I can picture these boys turning into neurotic psychopaths if they were raised by me alone , raised by H alone they would be intellectual killjoys who hide when that L.O.V.E word is mentioned. They need us both to cancel out each other, I mean compliment each other.

H is home, which proves that he loves me and I have taken a very long time to write this blog, I did spend 20 minutes with my mum, who was having a panic on the other end, so worried was she about her trials that she could barely speak and because I am a good and thoughtful daughter I side tracked her by telling her all MY problems and made her see that life could be so much more difficult because whatever else is happening in her life, she does not have puddles of yoghurt with sting rays in them or popcorn stuck to her socks, when she said goodbye she was breathing and talking about every day things and even smiling ( you can hear smiles can't you, I read the other day that we should smile as we answer the phone because people can tell, only problem with that is when its a telesales person and they think they've hit the jackpot, all I have to say is that I live in rented accommodation and on benefits and they hang up, marvellous, then that makes me smile and we've gone in a lovely circle.)

I have been finding old friends through the dreaded facebook, that baffles me but how splendid to see people that were so in your life and then sort of drifted out again.
Blimey, look at me, writing this may have cheered me up a little bit, perhaps those kit kats are safe after all.
There are just some days that knock the stuffing out of you, this was one of them, days where we should just stay in bed and read a good book without wringing our hands in guilt. It's hard to find things to be grateful for on days like today, but even in the midst of my darkest moments this evening I was still grateful for rechargeable batteries.