That's better.

It is entirely possible, when you are me, to go from lala fluffy land, where all is lovely and happy and nothing could ever be wrong, to feeling so murderously enraged that I frighten even myself and moments like that, I am an alien.
I almost see what is happening, from a distance and then ...well I carry on anyway.
Today was a grand day. Almost as grand as they come. Daniel called to say that he had deposited the money in my account to pay for the hotel and then some. (I wish I could say that I was totally and gloriously thrilled and of course I am thrilled but I am also a little bit horribly uncomfortable, why is it so hard to just say THANKYOU! and HOORAY! and then just be excited and grateful, instead of THANKYOU and HOORAY and this is so ....so, sort of.....that my CHILD is doing this and it is SO huge in so many ways for me, for H? Who knows, I don't like him right now and if he is the same tomorrow as he was this evening, guess what? Dan and I will be having a few days in London. )
For the most part, I live with H's lack of "WHOOHOO WHAT about THAT then. YEAY!!! WHHHHHOOOT! " you know, bloody aspergers and all, is it impossible for a person with autism, even in its weakest times or types, to just bloody pretend? Is it? IS IT?
This aftrenoon I almost saw a teeny weeny bit of excitement....a half smile when he spoke about having those 2 nights and 3 days in London, that he loves...or likes a lot but ...yeah, what?
Actually that isn't even what I am so angry about that my heart is thumping so hard I am pretending I just ran a marathon and WHOOHOO, fit me!
Fridays are good, late to bed, kids can watch Britains got talent, the bigger 2 take an iPod to bed and watch basketball clips or something, ( and on a side note 2 iPODS, because 2 is better than one and one has a bit more to it than the other and actually, while I am in Boston maybe pick up another one because THIS one has even more features and you can never have too many iPods, apparantly. I have a £29 cell phone, it makes calls and receives them and it has a camera that probably can take pictures but then what? They stay on my phone because I can't send them or anything. I am bored with my phone but it's OK , when one day last week, I said in passing that hey, I kind of fancy a new phone....a look of absolute incredulity passed over H's face, how controlled of me to write H instead of what I wanted to write, anyhoo, he looked and said " New phone? NEW PHONE? Why, what doesn't your phone have that you need?" and he really and TRULY did not get the comparison when I said " probably a few things similar to whatever your 2 iPod touches don't have that another one might" ) And even THAT isn't what has made me so mad that my head is sort of grinding inside and my fists are only unballed because I am typing, although maybe I am using my feet.
No, boys went to bed at 9..this is super late but they were still allowed to use the iPods and when I went up at 9.45 Seth was so fast asleep, I gently took out one ear phone, lifted the dropped iPod and when I tried to get the 2nd ear phone he woke up, quickly and was so MAD! I understood that he was startled and began to explain that it was late..but he wasn't awake enough to hear me and he was yelling and screaming.
Oh boy, too late no way he can have that iPod back, not a chance. I gave up trying to reason with him and went to walk out of the room..... H came blasting in without having a clue what had happened, yelling the odds and left.
As he came back into the front room I began to tell him what had happened and before I had managed to say more than 4 words he said ( you ready for this? Are you sure because I am pretty sure most of my reading people are women and almost wish that I could somehow gather the collective gasp I am sure this next sentance will bring and then use it to power my electrical goods for at least 18 months)

" Shut up, you think I care what happened?"































( OK, so I might delete that one soon, for now it is making me laugh!)





Oh. my. Can you even begin to imagine??
I think I used most swear words at least one and several two or three times, 2 doors got slammed, one of them twice and I could not leave it.
At some point, who remembers when, he said something ( did he? Was I listening, no because I have no idea WHAT he said) and I replied that I had been about to give the iPod back, the wire was twisted and in the .21 of a second it was taking to unravel it, Seth screamed and was so rude I couldn't let him have it back.

"Oh, well why didn't you explain that earlier?"

BECAUSE WHEN I OPENED MY MOUTH I WAS TOLD TO SHUT UP...REMEMBER THAT??
So now he is in bed, where I sent him ( or I said something like, I am going into the dining room because I cannot and will not be in the same room as someone who speaks to me the way you did and next time we wonder why Seth speaks to me the way he does, shall we look at you? Yes, I most certainly will, I'll come back in here when you have gone" added a few satisying expletives and then sat in the dining room, breathing and muttering things like " ........" I probably shouldn't say what I was muttering because whilst enormously satisfying at the time, and as called for as they were when I said them, written down they make me feel a tiny bit of shame. Anyway he does actually have a dad and we all have an anus so why I felt the need to use that word, well who know?
I don't sulk, never been able to. I try to and about 8 minutes later forget and mention something I saw earlier. Annoying. This evening though I am sulking, really well actually, am impressed with myself. He isn't here to see me seethe and sulk of course, but I'm sure he can feel it burning a hole through the bedroom floor and I should bloody well think so indeed.
I like to think he was sheepish as he went to bed but I was facing the other way, as is correct when sulking and making a point, the point being, do not ever, no NEVER, tell your wife to shut up. Especially when she has the most searing case of PMS.





And how is it, that a normally pleasant and well mannered man, with thoughtful manners and quiet disposition, can once a month, as regular as clockwork, turn into such a complete and utter arse? Can't understand it at all.