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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Well, that's a relief.

I think I am back. As normal. Me. Although not particularly cause for enormous and extravagant celebration, I do like knowing where I am and what's going on.
I can say now, that the whole flying and leaving home, staying somewhere strange, not being here was, traumatic.
Fun though. Enormous fun and worth every heart stopping minute.
I find, when I refuse to be dictated to by fear and depression, when I push and just go and do what I want to do, I love it, I talk myself through it, I enjoy it and then, when it is over, I am overtaken with a shaking terror.
From start to finish, my head goes through all the what ifs. I tell myself I will never do it again, as though promising that will stop any of the dreadful punishments I feel sure are about to befall me, for having fun, for not sticking with the routine, won't happen ( quick say you're sorry, say you won't do it, go there, enjoy it again and the mean monsters will let you off this time....)
It is true that whilst I see that wonderful things happen to me and for me, all the time, whenever I accept the joy and the glory of it all...it goes so horribly wrong. I get so mad when I do this, I try so hard not to but, you know, sometimes your head is just going to do what your head is going to do.
When I came home from Boston, as well as the jetlag which really IS miserable, I had the most awful feeling of impending doom, like I was sure to have to pay with some heartbreaking misery for the level of joy experienced while I was away.
Mental health issues are a bugger, the great thing is, I am wiser to mine now, I never seem to know right when it is all happening, but more and more I cotton on more quickly.
I know more when something is just the head talking, which makes it easier to deal with and get over.
I am not going to stop doing what feels right, I will keep pushing myself to do what feels scary and I will, you can be sure, continue to enjoy the wonderful things that happen to and for me.
If that isn't throwing down the gauntlet to the mean monsters I don't know what is. I stick two fingers up and ....no, I won't at all, I almost said dare them to bring it on. Idiotic that would be, I think they can read and I am sure they read my blog. Shhhhhhhhhhhh.
I am so superstitious, ridiculously so. I don't believe there is any reason to risk disaster, so why walk under a ladder...you know, just in case it is true that it will bring bad luck?
I think, if I say aloud, or write about things I fear....it's asking for it to happen.
Part of me tells me that this is nonsense and then a little voice will whisper ( ah, but what if?)
Oooooohh, subject change...
The littlest boys bedding came today, lovely soft cowboy comforters and shams, sent from Boston, by lovely Cathy. We are still waiting for the sheets, but seeing the comforters has made me keen to get all interior designer and make their room loook fabulous, I have also ordered Seth some pretty fabulous basketball bedding which should be here in a week. Culd it be, that after 6 months of living here I might actually be ready to make it look nice?
(*I can smell vomit...what in the world? I am trying to ignore it because no-one has been sick for days but I can really smell it and I DON'T WANT TO GO ON A PUKE HUNT! *subject change # 3ish)

OK people, listen up....look here, see the pressure I am under?

More fodder, more fodder! I think I've checked your blog 100 times today now! Write!

See?? I'm here...writing, all kinds of drivel to keep you all happy!
I tell you what. Lets try this again.
You tell me what to write. In the comments, give me ideas, ask me questions, give demands. take the pressure of, give me the fodder. Thankyou, I await your instruction.

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8 Comments:

Blogger G said...

I am so proud of you to see that voice ISN'T the voice you need to hear and isn't the voice that speaks the truth. You don't have to "pay" back the happiness you have. I just hope you are continually given the HAPPINESS you deserve...

1:58 am  
Blogger LosingSanity said...

Glad you are back to yourself. And I hope that you reach the point where you can receive happiness without the fear or guilt. You deserve to be happy!

6:07 am  
Blogger justLacey said...

Oh crap, now I am afraid to check to see if you wrote,lol. Iwill keep it down to twice a day after Monday ok?

9:58 am  
Blogger Rachel said...

Wow, I'm honored. I got quoted in Helen's blog!

Am glad you're feeling normal again. It's taken me quite a while, too, though not as long since I don't have jetlag. ;)

I would love to know about your first meeting with H. Where was it? What did you think? What did you feel? Did you ever think, "What in the world am I doing?"

12:25 pm  
Anonymous Jackie said...

My friend :)
I love you my friend and am glad to see you happy and am insanely happy to have met you!! I feel the urge to brag to others that I MET HELEN!!!!
You deserve to be happy. You should take it and cherish it..don't even give a second thought to impending doom!

2:16 pm  
Blogger Elise said...

I want to hear about Sophie. And Mel and Jordan :)

5:26 pm  
Blogger Clara....in TN said...

I want to hear more about England....places you have been and places you would like to go....and of course, more about the baby!

6:40 pm  
Blogger Stetch said...

I also love to hear about England. I've always wanted to go there--I must dream about it at least 2-3 times a week (am I odd, or what?).

Glad you are feeling a bit more yourself. :)

2:31 pm  

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