Well, that's a relief.

I think I am back. As normal. Me. Although not particularly cause for enormous and extravagant celebration, I do like knowing where I am and what's going on.
I can say now, that the whole flying and leaving home, staying somewhere strange, not being here was, traumatic.
Fun though. Enormous fun and worth every heart stopping minute.
I find, when I refuse to be dictated to by fear and depression, when I push and just go and do what I want to do, I love it, I talk myself through it, I enjoy it and then, when it is over, I am overtaken with a shaking terror.
From start to finish, my head goes through all the what ifs. I tell myself I will never do it again, as though promising that will stop any of the dreadful punishments I feel sure are about to befall me, for having fun, for not sticking with the routine, won't happen ( quick say you're sorry, say you won't do it, go there, enjoy it again and the mean monsters will let you off this time....)
It is true that whilst I see that wonderful things happen to me and for me, all the time, whenever I accept the joy and the glory of it all...it goes so horribly wrong. I get so mad when I do this, I try so hard not to but, you know, sometimes your head is just going to do what your head is going to do.
When I came home from Boston, as well as the jetlag which really IS miserable, I had the most awful feeling of impending doom, like I was sure to have to pay with some heartbreaking misery for the level of joy experienced while I was away.
Mental health issues are a bugger, the great thing is, I am wiser to mine now, I never seem to know right when it is all happening, but more and more I cotton on more quickly.
I know more when something is just the head talking, which makes it easier to deal with and get over.
I am not going to stop doing what feels right, I will keep pushing myself to do what feels scary and I will, you can be sure, continue to enjoy the wonderful things that happen to and for me.
If that isn't throwing down the gauntlet to the mean monsters I don't know what is. I stick two fingers up and ....no, I won't at all, I almost said dare them to bring it on. Idiotic that would be, I think they can read and I am sure they read my blog. Shhhhhhhhhhhh.
I am so superstitious, ridiculously so. I don't believe there is any reason to risk disaster, so why walk under a ladder...you know, just in case it is true that it will bring bad luck?
I think, if I say aloud, or write about things I fear....it's asking for it to happen.
Part of me tells me that this is nonsense and then a little voice will whisper ( ah, but what if?)
Oooooohh, subject change...
The littlest boys bedding came today, lovely soft cowboy comforters and shams, sent from Boston, by lovely Cathy. We are still waiting for the sheets, but seeing the comforters has made me keen to get all interior designer and make their room loook fabulous, I have also ordered Seth some pretty fabulous basketball bedding which should be here in a week. Culd it be, that after 6 months of living here I might actually be ready to make it look nice?
(*I can smell vomit...what in the world? I am trying to ignore it because no-one has been sick for days but I can really smell it and I DON'T WANT TO GO ON A PUKE HUNT! *subject change # 3ish)

OK people, listen up....look here, see the pressure I am under?

More fodder, more fodder! I think I've checked your blog 100 times today now! Write!

See?? I'm here...writing, all kinds of drivel to keep you all happy!
I tell you what. Lets try this again.
You tell me what to write. In the comments, give me ideas, ask me questions, give demands. take the pressure of, give me the fodder. Thankyou, I await your instruction.