Coming along for the ride.

So, I went to see my Doctor today and told her what I have been feeling and all about the marathon anxiety attacks etc, I also told her that I have had suicidal thoughts, not in a "I am going to do that" kind of way but in a " I get that and see why people do it because....dear Lord this is a miserable way to live" kind of way.
I won't kill myself, I am so far away from ever contemplating it, truly. In fact the very opposite is true, I worry way too much about every ache and pain and dread being ill because I have so much to look forward to, so much every day that brings so much happiness and pride.
She asked me about the boys and I was able to say with complete honesty that they are the most glorious thing to me, all my children. None of this misery is about them. It is all about me, how marvellously self indulgent I have become.
H is getting the brunt of this phase, as a good husband usually does, he is unchanged and so H, he is the same now as he has been for years. Which irritates the crap out of me.
When the first one left, he made sure that he left me knowing that it was all my fault. How stupid and boring I was, how ugly and useless I had become and how on earth was he supposed to live with THAT?
I know that everything he said and did was to make HIM feel better, to justify his behaviour, his selfishness.

For years, yes, YEARS, he would come and see the boys and he never came without imparting his wisdom.

"You met anyone yet? Well, don't hold your breath, you're alright at first glance and I suppose there will be men that are taken in by you, but you'll never meet one that stays, when he gets to know you, the real you, he'll go because well, not being mean but there isn't a man alive that could stand to be with you for long."

" Hey, you lost weight....don't let it worry you because you always manage to find it, shame really because no matter how much weight you lose....you're ruined on the inside, inside and out, beyond repair, nothing can be done, good on you for trying though."

H, without having a clue, without stepping out of line or even opening his mouth, just getting up in the morning and minding his own business, can remind me of the things the first one said. Poor bugger, doesn't quite hug me hard enough? Hates me, first one was right, is planning how to leave me.
Doesn't light up when I walk into a room? Thinking of how revolting I am.
Isn't completely wow-ed by dinner? Ungrateful shit, does he not know how lucky he IS? What's he thinking, he could get better elsewhere?

I don't tell H any of this because, well Ouch! In fact I don't tell anyone this, except you, sometimes because who wants to hear it? It is, honestly, completely and utterly exhausting. Nothing is ever just as it is, except the boys, they are just who they are and they are perfect, all uncomplicated and innocent, just as they should be and I wouldn't change a single thing about any of them.
H sat with me this afternoon and put his arm 'round me when I told him that I had told the Dr how I hated him....what a good man he is, not a huff or a puff or a sigh of slight, just a squeeze and a back rub. I don't hate him...I think I am endlessly terrified that he will hate me. I feel as though I am waiting for him to let me know the first one was right and that is so unfair on him, he couldn't be more different.
The Dr gave me a questionnaire to fill in, a quiz if you like. I don't do things by half, not me, I got the highest score possible, even got a gasp of admiration from my lovely G.P. who said that she thinks I am incredibly insightful, that I notice more about the people I love than others might and that I am very sensitive to their needs, she said that I actually am one step ahead of what is happening and because of the exceptional circumstance I have found myself in, feel that the universe and it's happenings are down to me, that I ought to be able to step in and stop every bad thing from happening...but I can't.
She gave me medication, I am sad about that but I am sad anyway, so what the hell?
She also said that when I have one of the mammoth anxiety attacks, when I can't breathe my way out of it, when it seems that it is endless, I can take one of my marvellous 'Pams' my ' why yes I can get on a plane because all is fluffy and well and zzzzzzzzzzzzz..oh look I'm there!" tablets and the best part? I don't even have to actually get on a plane! I say, that almost makes me look forward to a big old panic, which means, naturally that I won't get anymore. Life's a sod isn't it?

I was told years ago that I should be on medication for life, that my depression was so severe that even though there would be periods when I felt great, the odds were that in my case, it's always going to slam it's way back at some stage. I puddled along pretty well with slumps and peaks and mediocre moments. I had acupuncture and acupressure and forgot to take the meds and before I knew it a week or two had passed and I thought well, why start taking them again? So I didn't. I have been without any meds for 3 years and I love that, the side effects are awful, I hate how I sweat when I take that medicine, however, I hate how I have been the past few weeks even more, I intend to follow some other avenues in the hope that I can beat this into submission again, I will because I do, it's an illness, I wouldn't hesitate to take medicine for diabetes, high blood pressure, infections etc I have to try not to beat myself up for having to take these again.
I just read the leaflet that comes with the meds, I like that drowsiness is a side effect especially when taken with anti histamines.....I love drowsy, bring that on I say.
Also it rather splendidly effects bladder tone and helps with bed wetting, not that my iron pelvic floor ever has any weak moments of course but it would be nice if my bladder decides it does not need to empty at 3am, or even 5am I would love to wake up because I am not tired anymore, rather than because I need to wee, small things bring such joy.
Increased appetite and weight gain...look here, I am the first one to sing the praises of the people behind the medicines but for the love of cake! Depressed people don't need help to gain weight, I certainly don't, I don't need an increase in my appetite, why can't they make a tablet that helps you feel better and also ...would you look at ME! Thin! Ewwww chocolate, who wants THAT? Not me! How hard could that be? They can stop you wetting the bed and help you sleep, bring sunshine and joy back into your life.....but you'll probably get fatter, sorry grumpy, can't be helped.
So, here we go, weekly doctors appointments, promises to call, even at 3am should things seem even more bleak than they have been, pleas to take care of myself and let's get this show in the road why don't we?
I will be sure to take you all along for the ride, as always.