Hooray for Blogs.

So, one day on and all is picking up! I am the proverbial bouncing something or other and although certainly cabable of quite spectacular tantrums am almost always fine as ninepence very quickly.
I did talk with H last night and did manage to voice many concerns, always a great healer and never a mistake in my book!
I watched a programme last night about autistic teenagers.....of course with all the hullaballoo about Seth and Isaac I am fascinated by anything that might explain further some of what may be going on in their heads. Most interesting is the idea that actually these little apples haven't fallen far from the tree and H is almost certainly the root of all things aspergers in our home.
Of course I have always known that H is far from mainstream and a huge part of his appeal to me is the eccentricities that perhaps have scared the very beejeebers out of any other woman.....to have a reason for the quirks that make my husband who and what he is was at first a relief but actually as time goes by I find myself becoming more and more cross about it! Probably because maybe it means that things won't change!
How can I describe this man ? I could just cut and paste the adults with aspergers notes....it reads like a personality description of H!
The main deal with aspergers is a strange inability to empathise or even understand emotions and other peoples' feelings. I asked H once if he liked my hair, having been married for 2 years with the same dull old barnet I took some considerable effort to change it and look beautiful for him, his reply was " how do you usually have it?" Hmmmm.
He has an Irrational ( to me) hatred of saying " I love you" he doesn't like saying it himself and really cringes when anyone says it to him.....in our first heady days of being in love I remember telling him that I knew I would be more in love with him as time goes by " Oh great, more smothering to look forward to" He says he likes to SEE people love him and if he can see if they don't need to say it, if he can't see it and they say it he becomes aggitated that they should use such a term so flippantly!
I asked him once if he was excited about a trip we were making and he said " what does that mean?" He truly does not understand emotions....one of the kids last night was talking about the fact that he was told a girl he liked actually liked another boy...he asked "grrrrr what is that feeling called when your eyes are going to cry and you hate it? I think that's happening to me" How scarey to feel emotion but not understand it and be totally baff;ed when you see it in someone else.
H is fanatical about clothes, he likes particualr clothes and for example, wears only Wilson socks, white ones, unless he is dressing up and then dress socks are OK. His socks are folded and put in a definate position in the right drawer. He insists that he has only 2 pairs of jeans and 2 pairs of casual trousers, 2 pairs of shorts, yesterday I bought him some shorts. That was what started my tirade yesterday. He can't say " oh thankyou" and then just not wear them, he panics and he is rude....he tutted and sighed and then he began the " why do you think you can dress me" thing, the ranting about how he HAS shorts, he doesn't NEED shorts ....those buggers were in the bin within seconds and then I was just so weary of having to be one step ahead of not only Seth and Isaac's bizarrities ( it's my blog, I can make up words) but also having to think about H as well, even though he is a grown man just exhausts me and lately I am imagining myself 10 years down the line with this houseful of weird people all with specific obsessions and me........bloody hell mabel isn't it enough to just wither the soul? Of course there is the marvellous possibility that in fact I shall in fact be so fabulously mad by then that we'll be wuite the local attraction.
Picture fat old me in whatever clothes happen to be at hand being dareingly haphazard in my choice of dress to somehow counteract the precision with which my men folk attire themselves, Seth in his trousers that mustn't touch his lower legs, shirt tucked in and socks pulled up, Howard in his rotated 2 pairs of whatever, with his Wilson socks and gaudy shirts, My Isaac in his long trousers, long sleeves ( never mind the weather) and almost certainly a blue shirt unbuttoned over the long sleeved shirt .
I wonder what we will be doing? Eating, often I shouldn't be suprised, Seth with his plethora of different plates with his one item of food on each, H with his white rice ( cooked the phillipino way thankyou) and meat, My Isaac with his plate of just whatever is given to him God bless the boy...I shan't have to worry about the dishes though because H does them, always, because he gets sick with worry if he doesn't, using fairy liquid washing up liquid of course. Dessert will be at 8pm because that's when dessert should be eaten and if it's 5 TO 8 then it's too early and all is not well and I suspect the sky will fall in.
I think, maybe that people wonder why I am still here...I wonder it myself more often than I should but if I actually get to the point of imagining NOT being here, well, I am beyond empty....as frustrating and as infuriating as it is at times, this is my world, these are my people and for every maddening moment there are a couple of happy ones. I am so easily pleased and can forget a whole week of crap with just one moment of joy. Just one glimpse of the little boy who holds his breath if I hand him the 'wrong' shirt, who will run and scream and hide in terror at the mention of having his hair washed, sleeping with his book , read in bed every night, an old copy of Hans Christian Anderson's fairy tales. Just one minute of watching him breathe and dream of not being afraid will make the whole days frustrations disappear in an instant.
My blog is doing it's job, it is allowing me to rant and rave and whine and then laugh while the world continues to be secure and safe for these people that are my family. Hooray for blogs.