Tempting fate.( edited to add something new)

Every time...every SINGLE time I say anything of any positive importance, without fail something happens ( almost immediately) to smack me right back down. I have become beyond superstitious and there are a few things that will never , ever leave my head, never pass my lips or find themselves in the form of written word because I know, absolutely KNOW that whatever I have said or written will happen. My sister and I used to laugh and smack ourselves if we ever uttered such a phrase as " ooh, glad I haven't got baggy knees" or " ewwww look at her wrinkles" because as sure as eggs, give it a week or three and we'd have the very affliction we had gloated about not having or scoffed at someone elses' misfortune at having.
In my life there have been several scenarios that I have wondered aloud about or perhaps uttered that I could never cope with, even been so bold as to state that you will never find me in that situation....I will tell you that in every single case I have had to prove myself and be humbled.
I said that if my children were hurt I would spend my life in pursuit of whoever hurt them and I would make whoever did it pay. I didn't. I used my energy healing my children.

I always said that if my husband were to have an affair I would kick him out and never look back. I didn't, I tried for 2 years to get him back and lost every ounce of self respect in the futile ( and thankfully so) effort.

I said that there was no excuse or reason for a women to have an affair with a married man, shame on her if she knew he was married and not walk away.
I knew, I didn't walk away.
When my first husband left and he made me feel like crap I knew that if I could just speak to my first love, just hear his voice, I would be OK, I didn't want anything more than to just feel something other than rejection and pain. I knew he was married and thought that I would just talk to him and that would be that. Wrong. He talked back, he still loved me, he made me feel lovable and safe and forget that I was useless and ugly. He listened to me when I cried about my boys and their terror, he listened to me when I spoke about my tiny girl and the new things she was doing. He sent money to support my children because their father is useless and selfish and put himself first.
I listened when he cried about not having children of his own, I let him howl when his dad died and he had to be the strength for his family and not let his guard down at home.
None of it was about sex or ego, in fact as we lived hundreds of miles away from each other it really wasn't about sex but he was married and I took from his wife the intimacy that was hers, I encouraged deceit and lies and disharmony in his marriage, I am glad that he didn't leave his wife and I am happy that he was honest enough to tell me that while he was able to make her happy he had no right to assume his desires were more important than her peace of mind and happiness. I Am glad I told him to go and be a good husband to his wife.

I knew that if a man ever hit me I would have no hesitation on walking away...I didn't. I excused bad behaviour and I am weak enough to continue to do so as nothing is ever black and white is it?

I knew I would never deal with a gay child, hoped and prayed I would never have to try and deal with it, thought I would feel such shame that I would never show my face. I didn't, I don't. I am sad, you know that but I feel no shame and I hope my son never does either.

Yesterday, yes only yesterday, I wrote about how much I liked Howard. Today I don't. Not even a bit.
I can't tell you what happened to H when he was a child....because it isn't my story to tell and I don't know the details, only a few shady murmerings from people who know more. I know his mother left when he was 12. I know his dad was less than sympathetic and there were times he was afraid. He has told me that he has been able to forgive his parents for their mistakes because he understood that they are human and not capable of perfection.
I know he is deeply affected by slamming doors, ridiculously affected by it, I don't, however, know why.
I do know that what ever went on in his life has damaged him. I understand that but what I am not willing to condone is anything that will have the very same effect on my children.
This morning, as has happened in the past, he lost his temper. Horrible sight but for me, not frightening. For my children though, it is terrifying and I have to find some way to convey to him that this is the case. I watched 3 little boys stand in a line with eyes as big as saucers outside a door while they saw their dad hit my daughter. I am ashamed to write this, I am ashamed enough to write it though, the very purpose of this blog is to enable me to say what I feel and today I feel such resentment and such rage that I am as still and as quiet as the deepest river.
I have told him that when he rids his face of the pious 'woe is me' look, the hard done by , righteous, holier than thou face had better turn to a repentant humble one if he expects me to soften enough to even begin to discuss with him this situation further.
I made sure that he saw and heard me ask the boys if what they saw him do was good or right and he saw them say no.
His answer was that of a true abuser " you and Sophie shouldn't push me to it" What had we done? She was packing and asked for a holdall....20 minutes before we were due to leave for the station ....I told her that she has to be more organised and not wait til the last minute.....she began to answer back ( though not in any way insolent) and all hell broke loose. I mean hell......there is nothing closer to hell or more pleasing to satan than a family in turmoil, than a wife against her husband or children disillusioned with their father.
Sophie is safe, she is at Dan's house for a week and is under no illusions that I in any way understand or condone what happened here today. She knows that I will deal with it and also knows that when she is in the wrong I will deal with her.
I am so sick and tired of having to be reasonable, mature, understanding, sympathetic, strong and compassionate every second of my life.
I envy others the ability to rage, smash things, curl up in a corner and let the shit pass them by. I have inwardly begged to go insane enough to just be shut in a room and revel in oblivion.

Daily, I am astounded by this person that 'gets on and does' that talks reasonably and sensibly, that shops and cooks and drives, deals with bills and overdraughts, plans holidays, attends appointments with doctors, speech therapists, teachers, benefits agencies, letting agencies, banks, juggles scarecely enough money so that it just about covers what we need. This person who smiles and laughs and jokes and answers " fine thankyou" to any questions about my well being.
I wrote to H this morning, he is going to church and professes to be trying to be a better man (.....hmmmmm failed badly this morning) and as yet is totally reluctant to even admit that he is wrong.....he is fond of church doctrine lately and so I found something fitting and sent it to him, he listens to other people ..wonder if he will read and take heed of this



When you married me you KNEW I had children, you CHOSE to raise them and LOVE them. You CHOSE to be an example to them, you CHOSE to set an example, to deal with the trials....which I will remind you at least I warned you about, you knew every problem Sophie had, you CHOSE to accept them and help.

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. "Children are an heritage of the Lord" (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.
We warn that individuals who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.


Said it better than I could.
So, today I suppose I am admitting that by singing his praises I tempted fate, brought the demons out to try and see if they could have me eat my words......the answer to that is yes, it seems.
You know I'm not up in arms about him physically hurting Sophie, because actually, he never has, but today she said " Mum, I always think that if anyone tried to kidnap me, or hurt me, I would be able to fight them off, when he goes for me, everything in me just crumples, I feel pathetic and I can't stop him" and that is what I am so angry about, that is what everyone should mind about, one person having the power to intimidate another to the point of helplessness. Whether he thinks he is reprimanding a child or not, he ( and no-body else either) has the right to make another person feel belittled or afraid, what can he think anyone will learn except hatred and contempt?
I asked him this afternoon ( stone face or not) if at anytime when he was growing up and witnessing the things his dad did, if he ever felt fear, if at any one time when he saw his dad hit anyone, if he ever looked on or listened in and thought " poor dad, he must be at the end of his rope" or if he ever thought " ah, he's doing just the right thing, she deserved that" I then told him that I would put money on him feeling great fear and feeling not an ounce of respect for his dad. I then asked him if he wanted his sons to feel any of the emotions he felt way back then. He hasn't answered me of course, but there was a break in the stone face.

Well, Hallelujah.....it took all day and what a tense and miseerable day it has been but we got there. This evening I saw more emotion from H than I have ever seen ( did he cry? I think, almost, he did) He said that he had taken all day to think and admitted that for much of the day he has felt as much anger at me as I have felt for him, he then said that the more he thought, the more disappointed he felt that he has ,not ever realised before, that there may have been a time when he promised Sophie that although he wouldn't be her biological father that he would at some stage be able to be her dad and said " what if I did, what if I promised I would be what she needed and now I have behaved like this?" I have never heard him say that he thought he should be anything to her ( and I must say that he hadn't read my e.mail at this point) and that he has felt that I have pushed him to one side and stopped him being her dad.
Maybe I have done this, I know that I am so sensitive to her being let down by anyone in a father's role that I step in and stop it happening ( or try to) before she is hurt by anyone else.
She was 10 weeks when her father left, tiny baby girl. He has been a let down and a disappontment to her ever since. When she was 11 months she woke up during a visit from Gary ( my first love/ affair) I brought her down thinking that as such a baby she wouldn't understand what was happening. She took one look, held out her arms and said " ats my daddy" and although I only saw him perhaps once or twice a year and she saw him the same amount of times she insisted that he was daddy.
He loved it , she loved it and it thrilled me that she had someone she loved who loved her. When she was 3 I knew that I couldn't allow it to go on anymore and that's when we said goodbye. She was 15 when she asked me why he had just left her. She said when she was 3 " hmmm that's 2 daddies that didn't want me" when I explained that he couldn't come and see her anymore. I thought I had explained as simply as I could that it wasn't her he was leaving...but all those years she held onto the idea that she was so unloveable that not only one daddy but two had walked away. the damage we can do to our children whilst thinking of ourselves is terrifying.
I was able to explain to H tonight that she has been so defiant and such hard work because she is terrified of another dad leaving, if he goes, if he hates her, she wants to be sure that she can tell herself why....the reason she continues to get over the fights they have is because she has a grudging respect for the fact that he Is still here, that he HASN'T walked out when she hasn't been a sweet baby or an appealing toddler...she has been for the most part a revolting adolescent and he is still here.
I am in love with all my children, everyone of them has something that is unique to them and makes me adore them. Something about Sophie and the very fact that we have had such a fight for everything we have makes me fiercely protective of her. It has taken me so long to feel such love for her , after all the years of feeling worn out and battled out over her, that I am so new to this gentle feeling toward her that I am afraid when anything happens that maybe threatens it.
I love my husband, I love my daughter, I am infuriated by both of them and exhausted by being stuck in the middle. My girl is right on the edge of finding her own life, I want to enjoy this time with her, I am no longer threatened by her temper, I don't feel anything but slightly amused by her teen tantrums....when I feel pressured to constantly reprimand her or nag her by H, all it does is make me resent him.

She is his one and only chance to be a dad to a daughter and he is at risk of blowing it, she isn't blameless but she is the child...no matter that she is in a woman's body, emotionally, she is a little girl and she needs someone to be her daddy so she can grow up and be a woman. H seemed to understand that tonight and so I hope that he can take on the challenge before it is too late. If he does this he will have a daughter for life and I will gain more respect for him that I will be capable of expressing.
On that note I am leaving you for a week. It's family holiday time and we are off to build sandcastles, eat chips on the beach and make memories. I'm immensely relieved that I am able to leave on a higher note than this morning.