Somebody grab my knees!

What kind of title is that ? You may well ask!
Well, being me is sometimes tough. Actually, being me is usually tough.
I'm not entirely sure why or when or how all the big stuff became my responsibility. Maybe I took it all on thinking I was somehow superwoman, maybe it's been dumped on me, who knows and actually what does it matter?

I think my life is extaordinary, by that I mean not normal and full of things that others don't go through...(or keep to themselves and not let on they are going through) there is so much going on in any one day that on it's own might be a struggle but added to the other stuff is just too overwhelming.
We have no money, our outgoings are way over the incomings and we don't have anything much to show for it..not flash car on H.P. No big mortgage just big rent paying someone else's mortgage. We are the car boot sale, reclaimation yard, other peoples' junkers of the world. With the exception of the electrical items everything we own has belonged to someone else and is now ours because the original owners threw it out. H knows nothing about the state of our finances unless I tell him, if I tell him what's he going to do? Nothing, so why tell him? I am dealing with more demand letters and final demand letters than I care to admit and they are all for stuff we can't live without, like water! All my shopping is done on a buy one get one free basis, but it cheap and make it stretch....great exercise for anyone to get into but bloody well soul destroying when it is the only way you can feed your family and it's year after year.
My Isaac has problems, you know it because I tell you , I know it because for heavens sake I live it...do I need telling? No, do I need people to endlessly point out that he doesn't talk or look at people? NO! Why tell me? what do I say? " Oh my, imagine that, he wouldn't play with the kids? He wouldn't talk to your friend and show her how clever he is? Thankyou for telling me that, I shall look out for it and see if I see for myself that he is terrified and his head won't let his mouth work when he's not at home" ( how sweet is that description, from the silent boy himself!!) HE'S NOT STUPID, DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM WHEN HE'S THERE AS IF HE IS A FREAK!! Thankyou.
Sophie is driving me crazy, nothing new there but taking the time to try and understand WHY she being lazy, rude, blah blah....I can see she is actually terrified of too many things, big mouth which runs off with itself without having any connection whatsoever to a brain that is in any kind of gear. She gets herself into more trouble with that bloody mouth than anyone I have ever come across, she has no idea when to shut it even when my face is right in hers TELLING her it's time to shut it. Is there a Miss Big gob of the year award out there? She'd win that one alright.
Elijah , awww bless my baby. You know little boys, they are just divine aren't they? Always getting into all kinds of scrapes and bother without meaning to. Mess and chaos and grinning and noise......Elijah is a bit different, he wakes up in the morning and I SWEAR the kids has wicked in his eyes, no accidental chaos for this boy, he plans it, I actuall think he dreams about it in the night and when he wakes up and catapults himself out of the cot he comes barging along the hallway with that sparkle in his eyes and a "Heyo mummy" and we brace ourselves for the day. If there is something to be flushed, unravelled, spread, tipped, emptied, climbed, opened, shut, slammed, broken, drawn on...Elijah is de man!!
but just how cute is he?

I think my point here is that I feel that there are days where I am buckling under the pressure of it all. I am tired. If I had someone here with me holding my knees to help take the strain and stop me buckling under it all I daresay I would be fine ( Actually, I am probably fine anyway but let me have my whine) I have someone here who cleans and tidies and tells me we should find a way to reduce the laundry ( find me a way mate and we'll be rich!) Does he have a clue about supporting me? Nope. Does he ever tell me that I'm a bit fabulous? Nope. Does he sulk and make me play guessing games about what could possibly be the problem? Yes and if my knees weren't so fragile and prone to collapsing under the weight of worrying I would bend one of them, line it up with his arse and straighten it as fast as I can and kick him so hard he could spend a good hour or two wondering what MY problem is.
I love love Blogs ( oooh, look at that I wrote love twice which means I really love them , didn't mean to write it twice so it must be a sign!) This is so good for me to be able to whitter on and whine and seeing it on paper somehow makes me laugh..living it doesn't make me laugh except in the somewhat hysterical "Oh God help me" kind of way! I wonder if it's worth borrowing some of the rent money and just going out tomorrow, taking my boys somewhere fun and loud and just pretending there's not a care in the world? It would be fun but would it pay for the inevitable added fear of what we can go without to replace the money? I shall decide that in the morning, if H has a face like a robber's dog again I'll cut my losses and just go for it, leave him here to sulk and clean the kitchen. ( hmmmmm strange, I have definately been religious with my anti depressants, yet H is still a miserable shit, darn it I wonder if they need increasing? )
The maddening thing is, I am completely unable to bear a grudge, absolutely physically unable to give as good as I get...if he wakes up cheery tomorrow I will forget he has been such a complete pig today and will be nice ..... should have kicked him while I had the chance damn it. ( actually that would be something to watch I imagine, one day I might just do it..let him sulk for a few hours and then when he has his back turned just give him a boot up the arse and walk out without a word. What heavenly release that would be!)
Too absurd this marriage thing, hard work too.....marriage and motherhood, if we wrote down the pros and cons before we did either we would all just have cats and be done with it and the human race would die out. Women are simple creatures and are too easily bought off with a smile or a cleaned kitchen, I'm beginning to think I ought to be upping my price a bit and expect diamonds and 3 car garages.