I want to be wanted.

How's that for a selfish title? Just wait 'til you read the content it'll show you just how self centered I can be when I put my mind to it!
So, it's been a while since I went to church, nearly 2 years probably and longer than that since I went heart and soul.
I had always been one of the up the front people, you can probably tell from my blog that I am not the type of person to shrink in the background in places where I feel at ease. I detest new places and meeting new people and my very innards cringe when forced to walk up to a stranger and introduce myself but I can easily stand in front of hundreds of people and talk...give me a platform and I'll hog the limelight for as long as you'll have me. I love it, such power in making people laugh and cry and listen and think. I have taught and spoken and shared my inner most thoughts and feelings with many and loved every moment. Difficult then, when the doubts and questions began in my heart and mind , for me to suddenly sit in the background and take it in, pray and ponder and see if I could rectify those feelings I had.
I couldn't go to church and at the same time find the answers. So, I stopped- and discovered that the sky didn't fall in, great disasters didn't befall me ( although they had while I was fighting the good fight) I still feel loved by my Heavenly father and I still love Him. Hmmmm not what I had previously thought would happen if I didn't show my love every sunday by going to church. Interesting.
So, nearly 2 years on and still I feel OK with doing what I do, feeling how I feel. I will admit that there are times when I have missed that surity, that feeling of belonging and security.
I haven't faced a bit of judgement from anyone at church, no-one tells me that I doomed or headed for the eternal emptiness and anyway, I'm pretty sure that no-one else thinks that either. In fact, I have been pretty much left alone to do what I need to do, one or two visits from the bishop who cares ( I think he really does) although he doesn't understand a bit any of the feelings I have, after all, he is probably only 5 or 6 years older than Dan and is married with 4 kids, so how could he possibly understand how it feels to have a mormon heart and a gay son?
In fact I am very close to being at peace with the merging of my mormon heart and my mother of a gay son's heart...the answers have been slow in coming but they are coming and at last I am beginning to feel that in some things we just have to have faith that the Lord knows all, he loves us and if I, a mere mortal, can see my son and do nothing but glory in how perfectly splendid and great he is..how can God, who made him, do anything but love him even more? If homosexuality is a great sin then at some stage God will lovingly take my son into his arms and will explain why Dan was made gay and why his life was thus shaped in a way that put him in an impossible situation. I suspect, however, that He will be so busy catching up with my boy that his sexuality will be little more than a fleeting mention, if mentioned at all.
So then, the past few weeks I have felt a certain disquiet when dropping off my suited and booted gorgeous male people. My husband who smells divine and looks too splendid and my little mini him boys in their dark trousers and white shirts and ties, trot off to learn of God ( my loving, compassionate God, we don't know anything about that God who hates certain groups of humanity....who'd want to worhip that God?!) and somehow, darn it, I have felt a bit on the outside.....shouldn't I be in my floaty skirt going inside too? Why am I still keeping myself apart? shhhhh, it has to be said that the overwhelming reason these days is my complete love of those 3 hours all for me, rushing back here to crawl into my peaceful bed without any thundering great feet jumping about and launching themselves off the couch, no-one knocking at the door saying " hoo hoo MUMMY!" no screaming or yelling, just me, my book and the cool fan's breeze. Hard to let go of that for a 3 hour stint of chasing little boys up church hallways and sitting through ( yikes hope I don't get smitten here ) some truly dull dronings about subjects we have heard all about before. Sorry, I will say that there are many many times I have been rivetted and my heart has been stirred into wondering what more I can learn but truth be told, most people aren't really too good at the entertaining part of public speaking, especially when it involves God, I can't wait for the day when we stand in front of Him and he asks " where was your sense of humour people?!" I'm pretty sure he will point out the aardvark ( and also the penis, I mean to say who can look at a willy and not know God likes a laugh?!) and ask why we didn't see straight away that He has the hugest sense of fun and is heartily disappointed that more of us didn't bring in the laughter into His house.
So, my heart is beginning to return to where it belongs and I can see a time when my family will be at church together and begin to heal it's spiritual self. A husband who prays and supports and sets a glorious example, without ever asking why I don't join him, who takes 3 hyper little heathens with him for 3 hours every sunday because his heart tells him it is the right way to teach them, a husband like that deserves a wife who will sit next to him and hold his hand while dragging the 2 year old, under bench crawler, out with the other one.
So, last week as I sat outside waiting for my holy ones to exit the chapel I had a visit from someone who I admire hugely, a softly spoken, gentle and funny mother of thirteen who still finds the time ( never mind the enthusiasm and energy) to be responsible for the women in our ward, here in our town.
" I miss you" I said to her, because I do, I love being even in the same room as her because she is so peaceful to be with and so wise.
" Helen, I need you" she replied " For the last 2 weeks I have been thinking about you and there is something that needs you to do it."
Oh.......flipperty gibbet and fluff under the bed, ( ha! See Isaac? 2 x'F' Words and you can say them both!) if there were any words in the English language ( or any language come to that I just probably wouldn't understand them if they were in another language apart from french and at a push German, but I digress) that will guarantee a cold rush to my heart and a prickly sweat to my forehead it would have to be those..... " I need you"
If H were to bellow them in the heat of passion I might just be able to answer " I need you too big boy but quit the chat and do your stuff", (although on reflection I should encourage him to talk to me as his post heart attack advice was that he should indulge in any activity as long as he could still speak while doing it) but to hear those words at any other time is pretty much guaranteed to have me running for the hills and not singing a Julie Andrew's special.
Is there anything I need less than someone or something else needing me? A resounding NO is the answer to that one matey.
Want me, like me, miss me, love me, enjoy me, think about me, wonder about me, even talk about me, but please, oh PLEASE don't need me. I am all needed out and sucked dry by need... nothing left here to share except my wit and essence which will be given freely on an ' as I have it to spare' basis. Sorry.
I just want to be wanted.


Just a quick P.S. Maybe I am slow on the uptake, but have you ever clicked on the things you list in your favourites? Fave movies, books etc? You will rather cleverly be taken to other bloggers who have listed the same things....I seem to have a lot in common with 72 year old men with diabetes. Should I be worried?!? Just glad it's not a dating service I suppose.