She's a what?!?

On august 21st 2000 I went into hospital for a scan and a non stress test to see if all was well with my 39 week pregnancy with Phoebe Ygnacia ( family name on H's side rather glad we never used it now!!) ...awwwww after an 11 year gap I was having another baby girl, 5 ultra sounds and 5 tellings that my baby was healthy and a little girl, pictures in the scrapbook of her sweet little developing body and even a close up of those little girlie parts to prove to all and sundry, whether interested or not, that she was on her way.
" So, Mrs W. are you ready to have this baby?"
" I most certainly am......we have the biggest wardrobe of pretty clothes, her room is ready, she has a name, nothing left to do but push her out"
" Oh....were you told the sex of your baby?"
" Oh yes.. 5 times"
"what hospital did you have the scans that told you the sex of your baby?"
"well, 3 different hospitals, the last one was right here 6 weeks ago. Has my baby grown a penis since then? Ha ha you look sort of puzzled!"
"hmmmmmm, well..."
" you can tell me you know, I would much rather know now than when the baby is out"
"well, actually, yes she has, your baby is most definitely a boy... look, no doubt about it, here is his scrotum and there's the penis"

Oh how we laughed. NOT. I felt absolutely and completely floored. Not at all because we were having a boy, I love boys, can't ever have too many little boys if you ask me but where is my GIRL? My Phoebe, who I had pictured and dreamed about and dressed in that sweet little cherry outfit in my mind a 100 times and whose gramma in England had spent weeks making divine little cardi's with flower buttons for? ARGH, induction set for the following morning and now what? A baby boy with not a stitch of clothing ( why is it so hard to find neutral colored baby clothes in the U.S? even the onsies had either flowers or sailboats on) and not even an idea of a name.
I went home and somehow bubbled and hiccuped the dilemma to H who thought the whole thing was hysterical. I sat on Phoebe's floor and packed every little pink and frilly thing in bin bag until we were left with 3 outfits that would fit what's his name when he was 18 months and a blue wash cloth.
His name seemed to become my obsession, he HAD to have a name before he was born and right through the induction the next day ( and ouch that hurt, after 11 years it was every bit as painful as Dan's birth) I worried H's ears off about names. The hospital had a baby name book and we read through it the whole time ( except for the last 30 minutes) of my labour.
"what about Jeffrey, with a J"
No answer to that one is there.
When it became obvious that this baby was about to be born with no name I asked again what H thought about Seth.
" Seth? I never heard that name before"
" well, I mentioned it last night but you may have been reeling about the no girl thing..what does it say in the baby book?"
" It says Seth was Adam's third son"
"Hey! He's MY 3rd son too..cool, what does Ammon mean?"
" It means faithful and righteous"
" I love that, do you love that? Seth Ammon, sounds strong and I love it"

So, with that and the sudden and very strong urge to go home we stopped talking about names and I sat on the very edge of the bed practicing cow sounds while H went to find somebody, anybody to help me.
Ow, ouch, please let me go home, I've changed my mind, it didn't hurt 10 minutes ago but now it hurts, really, really hurts ,please get me drugs, an epidural, nice lady please get me an epidural ........GET ME THE MAN WITH THE NEEDLE LADY, I SERIOUSLY AM HATING THIS! NNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
" Sweetie, that noise you're making sounds kind of serious and I know you were just at 4 and we've paged the anesthesiologist ( that is one seriously big mouthful, what the ?!?!? is that name? He's an anaesthetist here which is still a gob full but got to be a bit easier to get right) but just let me check you again"
Long story short, no time for anything to ease this hideous pain and the boy child was about to spring from my loins forthwith.
Can I ask where doctors go when they know their patients are in labour? Do they have some sadistic version of hide and seek that they play? Why is it that these people do so many years of training but still don't know that when a baby's head is sitting right where it hurts most there is no way, with all the will in the world ( and I have yet to meet a woman who has any desire whatsoever to fight that urge to yell 'BASTARD' and push with every ounce of her might) you are going to be able to lie back and hold it in until they have stopped playing 'chicken' and get where they should be?
On a side note, should anybody reading this be working on any kind of childbirth projects, writing a book on aids to successful birthing, may I suggest that it be noted that the yelling of the word BASTARD is by far the most effective and satisfying form of pain relief? In my 5 unmedicated births, that word has quite involuntarily bellowed it's way out of my very soul at exactly the same moment my child has burst out of my womb. Marvellous, especially when directed at the man responsible for that exquisite moment of almost murderous pain as head leaves body. The father.
So, my ancient chinese doctor arrived just in the very nick of time to assist my boy baby into the world.
I think he chose obstetrics as a joke. He was very thorough and very horrible. I enjoyed not one of my pre natal appointments with him and he wasn't one of the lovely pally let me hug you doctors I had watched so excitedly on discovery health. He was professional, that's it. In the panic of the speed with which the baby was coming it was somehow forgotten that I was a person, or even that I was there at all, it would seem, I found myself flat on my back with the bed tipped so that my feet were at least 2 feet higher than my head.
" Oh, excuse me...I don't think I can push this baby out UPHILL!"
I don't think I will bore you with the rest of the details I'll just say that Seth arrived less than 10 minutes after the doctor, the first words I heard when he was born were " hey, nice head. Big one though" ( as if I'd needed telling!)
And so life with the Seth meister began. He is beyond bright, funny, sweet and nerdy and as Dan has been heard to say many, many times since Seth's arrival, " how on earth did we ever think we were happy before Seth was born?"
Happy 5th birthday my Seth Ammon.