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Actually, I think I'm handling this really.......
....OH... OH!!! It's real, he's gone, really gone and I won't see him when I pop in the house every morning. I'm so sad and it feels as though I won't be able to do this, but I have to.....it's real and we have to deal with it.
I thought, while in the hospital with dad, that if it were H and I were watching him die, it would be so painful that I might go mad...after 6 years. It's impossible to imagine what mum must be feeling after 48 years. I promised over and over again that I would look after her and I wish that meant I could wave a magic wand and somehow help her not feel whatever she must be feeling. All I can do is the practical stuff, try and ease some of that without taking from her the chance to serve him this last time. This is all so hard.
The price, for having had such a great dad, is that is hurts so much to lose him. All the faith in the world, all the surity that this isn't the end, being so sure that he is somewhere so glorious .....none of it actually stops the gut wrenching awfullness of him being gone from us.
At the moment, I seem able to recall the horror of the hospital stay so much easier than the wonderful bits, the funny bits are kind of easy to bring back so that's good...like going with him for a scan on thursday, he was so hot and so uncomfortable and while waiting for his turn to go in, we were in the corridor, just briefly....he suddenly wanted to pee and began to throw off his sheet and kick his legs. I tried quite quietly to recover him and calm him down. In a booming voice he bellowed "WILL YOU ALLOW ME MY FREE AGENCY?" to which I replied
" absolutely, just not here in this corridor, when you have no drawers on"
I keep hearing the noise he made when the pain was so awful it brought him out of that slumber. I can't stop seeing his face when it was screwed up and he wept " oh please, oh PLEASE help me...."
I know that it will go away and then the happy stuff will come back, I will begin to see that face as it lit up when mum showed him she was there, I know all this, it just hasn't been easy today.
I keep feeling suprised that I am so sad and then , of course, I remember why and it all seems so unreal...but it IS real.
Oh how horribly, painfully sad.
I thought, while in the hospital with dad, that if it were H and I were watching him die, it would be so painful that I might go mad...after 6 years. It's impossible to imagine what mum must be feeling after 48 years. I promised over and over again that I would look after her and I wish that meant I could wave a magic wand and somehow help her not feel whatever she must be feeling. All I can do is the practical stuff, try and ease some of that without taking from her the chance to serve him this last time. This is all so hard.
The price, for having had such a great dad, is that is hurts so much to lose him. All the faith in the world, all the surity that this isn't the end, being so sure that he is somewhere so glorious .....none of it actually stops the gut wrenching awfullness of him being gone from us.
At the moment, I seem able to recall the horror of the hospital stay so much easier than the wonderful bits, the funny bits are kind of easy to bring back so that's good...like going with him for a scan on thursday, he was so hot and so uncomfortable and while waiting for his turn to go in, we were in the corridor, just briefly....he suddenly wanted to pee and began to throw off his sheet and kick his legs. I tried quite quietly to recover him and calm him down. In a booming voice he bellowed "WILL YOU ALLOW ME MY FREE AGENCY?" to which I replied
" absolutely, just not here in this corridor, when you have no drawers on"
I keep hearing the noise he made when the pain was so awful it brought him out of that slumber. I can't stop seeing his face when it was screwed up and he wept " oh please, oh PLEASE help me...."
I know that it will go away and then the happy stuff will come back, I will begin to see that face as it lit up when mum showed him she was there, I know all this, it just hasn't been easy today.
I keep feeling suprised that I am so sad and then , of course, I remember why and it all seems so unreal...but it IS real.
Oh how horribly, painfully sad.
posted by The other me | 8:31 pm
9 Comments:
((((BIG HUGS)))) I wish I could give you a real one Helen.
It truly helps to remember the good times. I hope the good memories overwhelm the last two weeks happenings.
I've been lurking for several months now and really enjoy your blog. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, and to thank you for writing so well and honestly about it. You will start remembering the good stuff over the painful quite soon, in my experience, especially with such a great family as you have. Best wishes and condolences to you all...
Oh God, Helen.
I want to be able to wave the magic wand and take away all of your pain. Yours, your mums, your sisters, your sons, your daughter, nieces and nephews.
Helen, I'm weeping. My heart is breaking for your pain. I feel as if I am suffocating, and it's not even my father. My family. I am so very sorry.
Your H's. Everyones.
Oh Lord God, please help them. Be with them. Strengthen and encourage. Keep their spirits strong, as they trust in You.
Amen.
If there were any way I could take the pain away... Oh dear Helen.. you are handling this all just right and with perfect splendor. You are glorious in your love and in your grief.. a real tribute to the wonderful father you have lost. He would be proud.
I really don't know what to say. I know that you are going through the reality phase. It has hit and it isn't going to be easy. It would be a lie to tell you it is. I do know that you are a strong woman and you can get through this. The pain does go away and the wonderful memories take its place. Remember that it is normal to feel any way you feel right now. Everyone handles loss differently. These next few days are going to be exhausting, both mentally and physically, but you will get through it. You have a wonderful family, you have your faith.
Hugs! I will continue to pray for you and your family that the days ahead bring you strength, love and peace. That you can all find comfort knowing that your dad is Home, not suffering and will be forever in your hearts.
Love ya Helen. Praying for you and your family every day!
I just love how you wrote about the price we pay for having such a loving wonderful dad is the pain of losing them. That alone says so much.
I hope those good memories come back to you soon, overwhelming the sorrowful ones.
Oh I am so sorry to read the news. You must be hurting so much. May prayers are with you and your family. You have a strong family and will be able to lean on each other through all the "firsts" without your beloved father.
Deb
Oh Helen, I wish there was something I could so or say to lessen your pain if only just a bit.
Much love to you all!
Helen,
I hope as the pain of his loss eases, you'll be flooded with nothing but the best memories.
Many hugs.
~Lisa~
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